I’m not always on my best behavior. I’m not Ms. Perfect. I fuck things up and I do that all the time. I don’t always say the right thing. Sometimes, it takes me a while until I realize I did something wrong.
I’m not always in the good mood and sometimes I can say something hurtful because I feel that way. I’m not mature all the time and sometimes I act not according to my age.
I have these moments, but I’m not ashamed of them. They make me who I am. They make me human, prone to do stupid things and learn from them.
Sometimes, I turn into the person I don’t want to be.
I become a hypocrite. I think that I’m the only one who has all the answers. I think I’m smarter than everybody else. I sometimes even think less of people and don’t appreciate their hard work. Sometimes, I’m that much of a bitch.
But I hate that part of myself. I hate that dark personality that comes barging in when I least expect it. I can almost feel it coming, taking away the strong and hardworking independent woman that I am.
I can become a jerk just because some little thing is not quite the way I want it to. I can discard compromise just because I feel we should do things my way. I need you to understand that. I need you to forgive me for that.
Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that I like the compassionate and strong version of me better. Sometimes, I forget what it feels like to help another human being. I forget the warmth around my heart when I do something nice. I like being that person. But I’m not that person all the time.
Sometimes I’m that selfish that I forget that I’m not the most important one. There are billions of people around me and people who are close to me are the ones who suffer because of my behavior. I’m that selfish because I wander off in my thoughts. They are running wild inside my brain and I can’t stop them. And then, I sometimes do or say something stupid that hurts a person by my side.
I’m not this person. But sometimes, these things happen and those around me get confused because I’m not usually like that. I want you to know that. I want you to be prepared to see me at my worst.
I want to wake up every morning feeling relaxed, feeling me. But that doesn’t happen every time. Sometimes I wake up and within the seconds of opening my eyes, I realize that the happy me is still asleep and God knows when she’s waking up.
This version of me, this person that opened her eyes doesn’t feel good. She’s fucked up.
I can try to fake happiness on the mornings like this, but my body language, my eyes will betray me. I can’t hide who I am. I can’t lie about myself.
You’ll probably think that you did something wrong. Maybe you even did, but it’s not just you. The problem is me. It all starts with me and the state of mind in which I am. Maybe that something you did wouldn’t even matter if I woke up as the usual myself, happy one.
Don’t try to cheer me up. Don’t try to make up for something. Just let me be. Give me a moment of solitude. A moment of getting all my thoughts in line. Give me a chance to snap out of the mood I’m in.
Please, respect that. Respect my privacy, my need to be alone. Because if you take that away from me, I won’t have the chance to tame that beast that is squatting inside of me. I won’t have anything to fight with because it will consume me. Please, respect that.
I need you to know this because I want you to know everything about me. I don’t want us to have secrets and unpleasant surprises. I want you to know the worst things about me and I want you to love me anyway. Love me for the person I am.
I need you to understand that sometimes I do terrible things. Sometimes I’m selfish. I’m not always that loving, compassionate and confident girl you fell in love with. I have a dark side I’m not proud of and I want you to know what it is.
I’m not proud of what I become, I don’t expect you to like it, But I want you to love me anyway. Love me for who I am.
Maria Parker is also the author of Her Way book “On Getting Over A Narcissist”