Love is a mysterious thing. At one moment, it consumes every fiber of your being, and it’s like nothing in the world exists but the other person. All you want is to just drown yourself in the ocean of his love.
At other times, it’s harder. You feel like you are so hard to love, but you don’t know why. You feel something is not right with you, but you can’t quite put a finger on what it is.
You feel like a stranger in your own body, and you just want to scream from the top of your lungs, but you don’t. You don’t want to risk losing him.
Those are the moments that are the crossroads of your relationship. Those are the moments that will decide whether you two have what it takes to weather the storms that are nearing your relationship. NOW is when you give it your all and don’t give up on each other.
There will be times when you will be difficult to be loved. There will also be times when he will be the same. Those are the moments that define your relationship. What will you do when it stops being easy? What will he do?
What will happen when the sun stops shining on your relationship, and there are dark clouds on the horizon? When the things that were once something that were so easy become the things that makes it so hard to stay?
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I am a hard person to love. I’ve been thinking about what it is that happens in a person that complicates something that should be so easy. Why is it so simple and natural to love me when I am at my best, when it’s all sunshine and rainbows?
And why is it so hard to accept that along with my good side, the one you love so much, comes a dark one? A side that is not as pleasant, but it’s there. And if you ignore it, or ignore me when it consumes me, isn’t it like ignoring a part of me? A part of something that makes me who I am?
And I’ve realized that it’s not fair. It’s not fair to ask me to be the smiley, happy girlfriend when I’m around you and not allow me to be a mess when I feel like one. Aren’t you the one who is supposed to be there for me in the good times and bad?
Aren’t you the person I should feel most comfortable around?
It sucks that it’s not the case. It sucks that I have to be ashamed and hide a side of me that isn’t what you want. It sucks that I always find excuses for you and your shitty treatment of me. That’s probably why I’m writing this in the first place.
Writing to help myself realize that it’s okay to let my dark cloud hang above me when it comes. Because I know it will go away. I just need to endure it for a little while, and then I’ll be better. But not good enough for you, I guess.
That’s okay though. I have learned to live with myself and accept that it’s not always going to be smooth sailing. It’s not always going to be easy the way you would like it to be. I’m not always going to be easy to be around, but that’s all right.
Now I know how to embrace it, which should make it easier for me to find someone who can, too.
I just want to tell you one last thing.
I’m not even mad at you anymore. I’m just disappointed that you were unable to accept all of me, baggage and all, the way I did you. I never asked you to change. I never asked you to not be sad around me. And I never felt the need to.
That’s what love is. And I will settle for nothing less.
You can send your selfish ass far away from me. I have finally learned to embrace me in full. Good parts AND bad.
And guess what? I’m happier than I’ve ever been.