“But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the things we didn’t do, things we didn’t say that could have saved someone we care about—specially when we can see the dark storm that’s headed their way.”
Honestly, I love you. I fell for you so hard and for long I felt like there is no way back. I loved this feeling I had when I was with you and I stayed for so long trapped somewhere in the air not knowing what we are.
I let us go through our lives like this, unlabeled, because then, I was led by my feelings. I didn’t care how you called me. I only cared how you made me feel. I was in seventh heaven when I was with you. And that was enough. Note I said it was. Because now things have changed.
I can no longer stay blind to the things I deserve. Now that all those wild emotions have calmed and the storm in me is a bit stiller, I’m able to see things clearly. I’m able to see how my actions were clouded by my feelings, how I settled for just the crumbs of love you gave me. I’m able to see how I went all in with my heart while you choose not to go half as much as I did.
And it’s time for me to forget what I feel and remember what I deserve. So what if I love you so unconditionally? So what if I can’t picture my life without you? So what if I forget to breathe when it crosses my mind that I might lose you? All the love I give you, I’ll save it for myself. The life I pictured with you, I’ll make it happen for me either way. I’ll remind myself to breathe and I’ll remind myself I’m worth so much more than you made me believe.
Love is worth fighting for. I’m worth fighting for. that we could have is worth fighting for. What we have is a God-given gift and plenty would kill for this. But you take it for granted so easily. You behave like we’re going to have each other for the rest of our lives. But we won’t if we continue to treat each other the way we do now. This isn’t healthy and this isn’t real. This isn’t what love should look like.
I gave you my everything and I got nothing in return. No real commitment, no promise for the future, no certainty. I only got all those possibilities and a lot of maybe’s that could happen but also could not. I have no idea how to present you to my family and my friends, but I know how I’d like to do it. It’s just that I don’t have the right to do that since we’re somewhere in between: not together, but yet so much more than we’ve been to other people.
And I really don’t want to let you go. I want to love you, but I’m done settling for less. I’m done allowing myself to be trapped in this ‘relationship’ that I’m not even allowed to call a relationship. And my heart is breaking, but all I get from people is, “What? It’s not like you’re in an actual relationship.” Well, try telling that to my heart. Try explaining all those times we looked each other’s eyes and saw the ocean’s depth; all those times we held each other’s hands; all those times we waited for mornings together. But even this didn’t make you claim me.
I just want a normal and a healthy relationship. I want a future and I want to know that I have all the right to look forward to something. I want to know I’m the only one. I want to not be afraid of falling in love. I want to know that you’ll stand in front of all those girls hitting on you and say how you’re taken and how your heart belongs to me.
I won’t put my life on hold for your almost love anymore. I won’t wait for you to choose me forever. I won’t allow myself to feel like I’m missing something and how that’s the reason why you’re so indecisive and why you’re still choosing to keep us in this label-less relationship. It’s ugly, you know. And it hurts so freaking much.
We’ve come to a crossroads of our lives. We either take the next path together as a labeled couple or we part here. Just don’t forget that our biggest regrets are not for the things we did but for the things we didn’t do, things we didn’t say that could have saved someone we care about.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. I used to believe that our time has yet to come. But now I’ve made my peace and now I see that I allowed it to trap me in the label-less relationship waiting for something bigger to happen. But that something never came. And I’m done waiting and putting my life on hold for something that might happen.
I no longer want to be trapped in this limbo. It’s gonna be right or I’m moving on. Years from now, I won’t look back with regret because I’ll know I did everything for us. But I won’t regret missing out on life and my chance for love because I was stuck in a label-less relationship either.