Al mio papà tossico che avrebbe dovuto essere presente

Sto guardando questo titolo e non riesco a collegare la parola "tossico" con la parola "padre".

No matter how much I try, I can’t believe that a father can be toxic to his child. But the longer I think about it, the more I start having flashbacks of my childhood.

E in un batter d'occhio, sento la rabbia che mi invade tutto il corpo. Sento che inizio a tremare e che le lacrime iniziano a scorrere lungo i miei controlli.

The reality hits me with an unbelievable truth—I have a padre tossico!

And while I think about it, I see myself trying to run away from that thought. But you can’t run away from reality, right?

You can’t run away from something that hurt you so much that even if you are an adult, you still feel the consequences.

Ti rendi conto di cosa mi hai fatto, papà?

Don’t you feel sorry for neglecting me?

Don’t you feel sorry for not giving me the love I craved when I was a little girl?

Dad, don’t you see that because of you, I am emotionally unavailable for everyone who tries to love me?

Don’t you see that you ruined me for every man who comes into my life?

Per colpa tua, non mi sono mai sentita abbastanza bella. Mi dicevi sempre che gli altri bambini erano dolci e carini, mentre io stavo accanto a te con il mio vestito rosa a tutù che avevo messo solo per piacerti.

E speravo che tu mi guardassi e mi dicessi che anch'io ero bella e che eri orgoglioso di avere una figlia così.

Grazie a te, non mi sono mai sentito Ero degno. Mi dicevi sempre che gli altri ragazzi erano più bravi di me e che avrei dovuto fare di più per raggiungerli.

You never said you were proud of me for a good grade, but you surely knew how to punish me when I got a bad one, though—like I wasn’t punished enough for not getting your love.

Because of you, I couldn’t come home and know I could count on my dad when I got my heart broken for the first time. Non hai mai voluto sapere nulla di ciò che accadeva nella mia vita. Non mi hai mai chiesto come stavo e se avevo problemi.

Non sei mai stato una spalla su cui piangere, papà. E per questo non ti perdonerò mai.

Because of you, I will never walk down the aisle with my dad. I will probably walk alone or with my husband if I ever find one—since after you showed me what men are like, I simply can’t trust any man anymore.

Sento che non troverò mai un uomo che mi ami e mi protegga. Sento semplicemente che tutti loro mi tradiranno come hai fatto tu.

Because of you, my children won’t have nice memories with their grandpa. Maybe they will never meet you since you probably won’t make any effort to get to know them better.

And I won’t even try to tell them about you since you are not so important to me anymore.

You were never there when I needed you, and now that I am an adult, I don’t want you in my life anymore. So, don’t try to seek me when you realize what you have done.

That little girl who was crazy about you doesn’t exist anymore. She died the day you didn’t choose her.

È morta il giorno in cui hai preferito l'alcol e le altre donne a lei. E qualunque cosa tu faccia, non la riporterai mai indietro.

Al suo posto c'è un'altra donna who knows what she wants in her life. And one of her wishes surely isn’t a lousy father.

Sapete perché?

Because she deserves a lot more than that. Because she suffered, and now she wants a calm life without worrying about why her father doesn’t love her enough.

She doesn’t want to think that she made some mistake and that because of that her father couldn’t love her.

She can’t question herself every day about why she wasn’t enough for a man who was supposed to love and protect her. She simply can’t do that anymore. She is tired, tired to the bone.

E per lei è arrivato il momento di andare avanti. È ora che lasci andare un padre tossico che non c'è mai stato per lei.

Because she can’t continue like this anymore.

I know that you will maybe feel sorry for not being with me when I needed you. Maybe, one day, you will be proud of the woman I became, but you will never get an opportunity to tell me that face in face. I don’t want to see you.

I don’t want to have any contact with you. One toxic man was enough for my entire life, and I just want to get rid of the toxicity you brought into my life.

Quindi, papà, se stai leggendo questa lettera, sappi che ti perdono. Probabilmente avevi dei motivi per cui non c'eri mai per me.

I couldn’t understand them then, and I can’t understand them now. But to be honest, I don’t give a damn about it anymore.

This time, I am finally moving on with a clean heart, knowing that your behavior wasn’t my fault. I am moving on surrounded by people who would give their lives for me.

Vado avanti perché la vita va avanti e devo viverla come merito. Ma sappiate che, una volta, c'era una bambina che contava su di voi.

Una volta l'hai tradita non essendole stato vicino.

Una volta le hai spezzato il cuore. E spero solo che tu riesca a conviverci.