Cosa fare quando il coniuge vi dice cose offensive?
È davvero difficile mantenere la calma quando il vostro coniuge vi dice cose offensive, sia nella foga del momento che involontariamente.
Le parole offensive sono come spade: ti trafiggono il cuore e ti lasciano senza parole.
Sì, le relazioni possono essere davvero difficili a volte, ma sia i momenti felici che quelli meno felici ne fanno parte inevitabilmente.
You will argue, cry and say something you don’t really mean to each other and you cannot influence any of these things.
Tuttavia, ciò che potete fare è scegliere come reagire quando il vostro coniuge vi dice cose offensive.
If this doesn’t happen that often (but usually during an argument), then chances are your spouse accidentally said something regrettable and inappropriate.
Ma se si verifica regolarmente, potrebbe essere l'inizio di un'infezione. relazione abusivaquindi è bene prestare attenzione a questo aspetto.
Perhaps they said something bad about your friends or family, your flaws, habits or appearance and now you can’t stop thinking about it.
The reason why you can’t stop thinking about it is because you feel hurt, offended and disappointed in your partner.
You want to let it go and forget about everything that happened but it’s easier said than done, right? Also, holding grudges is not a healthy option.
Quindi, avete fondamentalmente due possibilità:
a) Si può far finta che non sia successo nulla (ma in questo modo si accumulano sentimenti negativi).
b) È possibile eseguire le seguenti operazioni:
NON reagire
Oh, I know that you want to say so many things to them, force them to apologize to you and point out all those harsh words they said to you. But trust me, it’s not worth it.
Non importa quanto sia difficile rimanere raccolti e non dire qualche cattiveria anche a loro, cercate di non attaccare a vostra volta. Perché? Perché non risolverà il problema, ma lo peggiorerà soltanto.
When your spouse says hurtful things to you, you need to show them that you’re not like them.
There’s no point in saying something bad to your partner when you know that you will end up apologizing for it sooner or later.
The best bet is to leave things as they are for the time being and wait for them to apologize for hurting you. And if they don’t, then it’s time to re-evaluate your marriage.
Calma e rivalutazione della situazione
It’s truly amazing how one person can distress you so much but you need to know that fighting back is not an option.
What you need to do is calm down, take a deep breath and know that you’re not alone.
Don’t immediately think that your partner doesn’t love you, that they hate you or that vogliono il divorzio.
80% del tempo, questi cose dolorose sono cose dette nella foga del momento e non sono direttamente collegate alla qualità del vostro matrimonio. Tenetelo a mente.
Ci sono tanti motivi per cui il vostro partner potrebbe ferirvi involontariamente con le parole.
Questi motivi non sono necessariamente legati a voi, ma potrebbero far parte dell'accumulo di stress dovuto al lavoro, alle faccende domestiche o ad altri obblighi e problemi.
Dovete pensare al contesto in cui il vostro coniuge ha detto tutte quelle cose brutte e a come si è comportato ultimamente.
Ponetevi le seguenti domande:
• Was my spouse recently in some stressful situations?
• Are they sleep-deprived?
• Are they acting differently from before?
• Are they treating their friends and family in the same way?
Le risposte a queste domande vi aiuteranno a capire se le vostre discussioni e le loro parole offensive sono solo una forma di sfogo per il vostro coniuge.
Accettare e convalidare le proprie emozioni
Don’t strike back and don’t overreact but also don’t act like it’s not a big deal. I know it is and you know it is too.
Non c'è problema se quelle parole dure hanno avuto un impatto sul vostro autostima e ti ha fatto sentire meno degno.
I mean, that’s what words do. They hurt us and it burns like hell. Because of that, we often succumb to the temptation of suppressing our feelings but this will not make them go away.
Al contrario, prolungherà il dolore che state provando in questo momento.
Quindi, l'unica cosa logica e la cosa migliore da fare è ACCETTATE la situazione e VALIDATE i vostri sentimenti. Abbracciate ciò che provate invece di cercare di cancellarlo.
We all know very well that one cannot do that, no matter how hard we try so don’t pretend that you’re made of stainless steel when you yourself know that this is a lie.
You’re a human being and you’re allowed to feel things; to feel hurt, sad, happy and whatnot. That’s the beauty of being one.
Your emotions are not things you should be afraid of (especially if you’re a guy because guys are told that validating or expressing their feelings is not a masculine thing to do).
Well, be it masculine or not, it’s NECESSARY.
Scrivere i propri pensieri e sentimenti
Questo è uno dei metodi più utili e lo uso ogni volta che mi trovo in difficoltà o in difficoltà. Scrivere i propri pensieri e sentimenti aiuta a capire meglio come ci si sente.
Quando succede qualcosa di brutto, alcuni chiamano il loro migliore amico e gli raccontano l'accaduto, altri scelgono di andare a fare una passeggiata e altri ancora di scrivere come si sentono.
All of these methods are equally helpful and it’s just a matter of preference which one you’ll choose as a coping method.
Se lo chiedete a me, scrivere le cose è il metodo più pratico e può darvi la migliore visione della situazione generale.
Non ci sono regole. Iniziate a scrivere quello che vi viene in mente per primo.
Ad esempio: “I feel hurt because my spouse said something really insulting to me today. I know that they probably don’t mean it but it still hurts and I don’t know what to say or do.”
Scrivere i vostri pensieri vi aiuterà a fare il passo successivo, cioè a parlare con il vostro coniuge. In pratica, quello che scrivete su un foglio è quello che potete dire al coniuge faccia a faccia.
Parlatene con il vostro coniuge
Cosa fare quando vostro marito dice cose offensive o quando vostra moglie dice cose offensive? PARLARE con loro.
Once you calm down and accept what happened, it’s time to talk to your spouse about it.
La regola più importante da seguire quando si tratta di comunicare con il coniuge è la seguente: Non urlate e non aggrediteli.
Anche se urlare è probabilmente la prima cosa che vi viene in mente quando pensate di comunicare con qualcuno che ferirti, you shouldn’t do it.
Dovreste invece parlare con loro apertamente e onestamente, senza accusarli.
Sapevate che le diverse strutture delle frasi possono trasmettere significati diversi?
Per esempio, se dite al vostro coniuge qualcosa come: “You called me stupid the other day. You’re so mean,” they will feel attacked because you’re blaming them for it.
Per questo motivo, potrebbero dire cose più offensive mentre cercano di difendersi.
Now, let’s rephrase that sentence into the following: “I feel really hurt and disappointed because of the things you said to me the other day.” Notate la differenza?
Questo tipo di frase non li attaccherà direttamente, ma dirà loro esattamente come la pensate sull'intera faccenda e questo è il messaggio che volete inviare loro.
You want them to know how their words made you feel. You want them to feel the weight of all the things they said to you. That’s the only way to motivate them to apologize to you.
When a person is feeling attacked, there’s not a chance they will apologize for their behavior.
Ma quando si dà loro un po' di spazio per capire cosa hanno fatto e il danno della loro scelta di parole, si scuseranno e ci penseranno due volte prima di ripetere lo stesso errore in futuro.
Vedi anche: Come ci si sente quando qualcuno che si ama ci ferisce profondamente?
Observe the situation from your spouse’s point of view
This is one of the most difficult things you’ll need to do but it’s necessary for two reasons:
a) Vi aiuterà a capire come si sono sentiti durante la discussione.
b) Vi aiuterà a perdonarli
Se osservate la situazione dal loro punto di vista, capirete la loro rabbia o quello che stavano passando durante la discussione. Potete fare un paragone con le vostre esperienze di follia totale.
You probably said something you didn’t mean before just because you weren’t in control of your vocabulary at that moment. Once you know that, it’s easier for you to understand them and forgive them.
Don’t let their words affect you negatively
Whatever your spouse said to you, you shouldn’t take their words seriously.
You shouldn’t think that they are your enemy because they aren’t. They are still your best friend, confidant and partner in crime.
The things they said during an argument shouldn’t change what they mean to you. Also, you shouldn’t let those words make you feel less worthy or influence your self-esteem in one way or another.
I know it’s hard to think positively in this situation but you have to at least try to. Their words shouldn’t make you insecure because you yourself know that whatever they said to you is not true. And they know it too.
Prendetevi tutto il tempo che vi serve per guarire
When your spouse says hurtful things to you, it feels like your world is literally falling apart. All you can think of is how they made you feel miserable and hurt your feelings. And that’s totally okay.
You shouldn’t suppress what you feel ma prendetevi tutto il tempo necessario per guarire!
Ora, cosa significa guarire? Ogni persona ha un proprio concetto di guarigione. Per alcuni è utile fare una passeggiata, parlarne con un amico o trovare un nuovo hobby e concentrarsi sull'espressione.
Per iniziare il processo di guarigione, è necessario uscire dalla propria testa e il modo più semplice per farlo è esprimersi. Potete urlare, cantare, disegnare, scrivere o fare qualsiasi cosa vi faccia stare bene.
The focus is on getting those negative feelings out of your system and you’ll do that by expressing yourself both emotionally and physically. Going for a run or meditating are also great alternatives.
Whatever you choose to do, don’t force yourself to forget everything but instead focus on the healing process.
Rivalutate la vostra relazione
Un altro passo importante è la rivalutazione della vostra relazione. Dovete porvi la seguente domanda: Il mio coniuge mi dice costantemente cose offensive da tempo o è successo solo una volta o poche volte?
If you can’t even remember when your spouse started saying harsh words to you, chances are it’s been happening for a long time now. If that is the case with you, we might be talking about abuso emotivo.
Sminuire continuamente i propri sentimenti con parole dure è una forma di abuso verbale che può diminuire la fiducia in se stessi e, a lungo andare, danneggiare emotivamente.
If you’re still in love with them, you might be having difficulty realizing that this is the case.
It’s true that couples in a relazione a lungo termine (especially married couples) face lots of problems but they shouldn’t be constant. If they are, then this could be a potential dealbreaker.
Vi siete mai posti la seguente domanda: Perché mi sono sposato? Se sì, allora sapete che qualcosa non va nella vostra relazione.
Parlate con i vostri amici e familiari
Your friends and family should be your biggest support (especially in difficult times) so don’t hesitate to contact them and tell them how you’re feeling.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Take a deep breath and say: Mia moglie/marito dice cose offensive quando litighiamo. Mi sento ferito e impotente.
Forse i vostri genitori o alcuni amici hanno vissuto la stessa esperienza e possono darvi qualche consiglio utile in merito.
Se, per qualche motivo, non potete parlare con i vostri amici o familiari, parlate con il vostro collaboratore o un estraneo a caso, se necessario.
I’ve realized that sometimes the greatest advice comes from people you barely know.
Cercare un aiuto professionale
If all else fails (and even if it doesn’t fail), you can always seek professional help.
Ci sono molti consulenti matrimonialiGli esperti di appuntamenti e gli esperti di relazioni sono pronti a darvi molti consigli utili per le relazioni e il matrimonio.
It doesn’t matter whether this is happening to you for the first time or has been for some time now, it is never too late to seek advice from professionals.
9 citazioni su quando il coniuge dice cose offensive
1. “’Sorry’ we all say ‘Sorry’ for the wrong things we say and do. But do we always think about the people we love dearly who we say hurtful things to? I don’t think so because if we had think about it sorry wouldn’t have become such a popular word today. Sometimes we say so much and act immature as adult. We didn’t take the time to realize how much hurt and pain we put that individual in we never took the time to think of the reaction, the feelings and the consequence that we might have to face if what we do turns out to be a matter of life and death.!!!” ― Napz Cherub Pellazo
2. “Parole sciocche cause trills because they’re ludicrous and funny. Parole felici dipingere sorrisi infiniti e inghiottire i problemi. Parole riflessive sono così perché fanno sembrare la giornata soleggiata. Ma parole offensive are such that pierce the heart and weigh the soul.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich
3. “When the person you love can’t see your love for them beneath the painful things you say when they reject you, remember this: Love is blind.” ― Shannon L. Alder
4. “When someone tells you that you have done something that has hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” ― Karon Waddell
5. “Honesty hurts and depending on the situation you should really think twice about your words. They can be hurtful and have a bad influence. Once they leave your mouth they can cause allot of soul damage and heartache.” ― Lily Amis
6. “Yes, a person can accept your apology and forgive you for what you’ve said, but they will never forget how you made them feel at that very moment. Words can stick in a person’s mind, heart, and spirit long after the words have been spoken. Don’t be in denial; words have GREAT power. Be wise when you speak!” ― Stephanie Lahart
7. “Dogs bite sometimes, people bite at all times, with their hurtful words.” ― Mehmet Murat İldan
8. “’Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.’ This is a lie. What we say matters. The unkind things we communicate can soil the best of relationships; even with the deepest of regrets… what lingers is a stain of hurt that may fade but will never truly go away. The wounding words we say are like feathers released in a harsh wind, once said; we will never get them back.” ― Jason Versey
9. “It hurts when you go through something that kills you inside but you have to act like it doesn’t affect you at all.” — Unknown
55 citazioni che vi aiuteranno a perdonare il vostro coniuge
1. “Forgiveness is a sign that the person who has wronged you means more to you than the wrong they have dealt.” — Ben Greenhalgh
2. “To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.” — Unknown
3. “You’ll never know how strong your heart is until you learn to forgive who broke it.” — Unknown
4. “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” — Catherine Ponder
5. “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” — Wayne Dyer
6. “Without forgiveness life is governed by… an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” — Roberto Assagioli
7. “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” — Paul Boese
8. “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” — Robert Muller
9. “Forgiveness is a powerful tool to reconnect with the offender and your true, inner self.” — Unknown
10. “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” — Alexander Pope
11. “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.” — Joseph F. Newton
12. “Before we can forgive one another, we have to understand one another.” — Emma Goldman
13. “Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry and an even stronger person to forgive them.” — Unknown
14. “It’s not easy to forgive and let go but remind yourself that harboring the resentment will only aggravate your pain.” — Unknown
15. “Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice.” — Fawn Weaver
16. “Il perdono is like faith. You have to keep reviving it.” — Mason Cooley
17. “The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person.” — Louise Hay
18. “Forgiveness is a powerful weapon. Equip yourself with it and free your soul from fear.” — Unknown
19. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” — Lewis B. Smedes
20. “A matrimonio felice is the union of two good forgivers.” — Ruth Bell Graham
21. “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” — Anne Lamott
22. “The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.” — Unknown
23. “Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?” — Leo Buscaglia
24. “Learning to forgive will help you remove a major roadblock to your success.” — Unknown
25. “Forgiveness isn’t approving what happened. It’s choosing to rise above it.” — Robin Sharma
26. “Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals.” — Thomas S. Monson
27. “Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life.” — George MacDonald
28. “As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind.” — Isabelle Holland
29. “Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.” — Marlene Dietrich
30. “Forgiveness is just another name for freedom.” — Byron Katie
Vedi anche: Come salvare un matrimonio: 10 metodi collaudati che funzionano sempre
31. “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” — Nelson Mandela
32. “Forgiveness stands for giving up something for yourself, not for the offender.” — Unknown
33. “Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.” — Unknown
34. “Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them.” — Marvin J. Ashton
35. “Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” — Peter Ustinov
36. “Forgiveness is liberating and empowering.” — Unknown
37. “Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom.” —Hannah Arendt
38. “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” — Mahatma Gandhi
39. “There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.” — Bryant H. McGill
40. “Never bring up mistakes of the past.” — Unknown
41. “It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” — Tyler Perry
42. “Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet on the heel of the one who crushed it.” — George Roemisch
43. “We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” — Joseph Campbell
44. “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” — Marianne Williamson
45. “Sometimes you will just have to learn to agree to disagree. Every fight or argument doesn’t need to end with ‘You’re right’ or ‘You’re wrong.’” — Unknown
46. “Forgive, forget. Bear with the faults of others as you would have them bear with yours.” — Phillips Brooks
47. “I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself.” — T. D. Jakes
48. “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.
49. “Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” — Jonathan Lockwood Huie
50. “Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.” — Cherie Carter-Scott
51. “Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energy moving forward together towards an answer.” — Denis Waitley
52. “The remedy for life’s broken pieces is not classes, workshops or books. Don’t try to heal the broken pieces. Just forgive.” — Iyanla Vanzant
53. “When we… go back into the past and rake up all the troubles we’ve had, we end up reeling and staggering through life. Stability and peace of mind come by living in the moment.” — Pam W. Vredevelt
54. “All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.” — Dalai Lama
55. “To understand somebody else as a human being, I think, is about as close to real forgiveness as one can get.” — David Small
Pensieri finali
Quando il vostro coniuge dice cose offensive, ricordate di non reagire. Calmatevi, rivalutate la situazione, parlatene con il vostro coniuge e prendetevi del tempo per guarire.
Considerate anche la possibilità di cercare un aiuto professionale, soprattutto se pensate che il vostro matrimonio abbia qualche problema di fondo che deve essere affrontato. Buona fortuna!
Vedi anche: Come riparare un matrimonio in crisi: Un piano di salvataggio in 15 fasi
