Il fatto che io vada avanti non significherà mai che ti ho perdonato

Quando mi hai lasciato per la prima volta, stranamente, non avevo alcuna speranza di essere di nuovo tua e di provare a ricostruire il nostro rapporto.

Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you – it’s just that you hurt me so badly that I never thought of giving you another chance, despite the fact that I ti amava ancora.

Invece di spremermi le meningi su come riconquistarti, ho impiegato tutte le mie energie nel tentativo di superare il trauma che mi avevi causato e di superare il fatto che l'uomo a cui avevo dato tutto il mio cuore era pronto a farlo a pezzi senza battere ciglio.

Mi sono concentrato sulla ricerca di un modo per smettere di amarti.

A dire il vero, nel profondo, pensavo che non ce l'avrei mai fatta.

Pensavo che non mi sarei mai liberato di questo folle miscuglio di amore, odio, nostalgia e repulsione che provavo ogni volta che mi passava per la testa.

E francamente era praticamente sempre così.

Ero convinta che non avrei mai potuto trovare la forza in me stessa per perdonarti per avermi schiacciato.

Ero certa che non avrei mai potuto dimenticare tutto quello che mi avevi fatto e tutto il dolore che mi avevi causato.

Tuttavia, dopo un po' di tempo, lentamente, mi sono accorta di essere andata avanti, senza nemmeno esserne consapevole.

Ho notato che ero soffrire e guarire allo stesso tempoUn enorme progresso.

Col tempo, passo dopo passo, hai smesso di esistere dentro di me. Contrariamente a tutte le mie aspettative, sei diventato parte del mio doloroso passato.

So, I guess I was wrong. I don’t know if I thought I loved you more than I actually did or if I considered myself emotionally weaker than I actually was, but the fact is that, somehow, I managed to stop loving you.

However, I was definitely right about one thing: I never forgave you and I don’t plan on doing so.

I did move on, but that doesn’t mean I forgot the hell you put me through.

Luckily for me, I’m no longer consumed by resentment and hate.

However, just because I don’t spend every second of my every day wishing for you to drop dead, doesn’t mean I forgave you.

Me getting over you doesn’t mean that I suddenly got amnesia and all the issues and trauma you caused got magically erased.

That’s not to say that I managed to wipe out all the days I spent crying for you, all the sleepless nights I struggled to breathe, and all the moments I wanted to die.

Il fatto che io ha smesso di amare you doesn’t delete the fact that you changed the essence of my being for good.

It doesn’t annul the fact that you damaged me beyond repair and I can never be the same girl I was before you stormed through my life.

It doesn’t mean I would ever want you back or that I’m okay with all the evil you brought me.

It doesn’t make your misdeeds acceptable nor you any less of a douchebag.

Me moving on doesn’t imply that I want all the best for you or I don’t wish karma gives you what you deserve.

It doesn’t mean that you have my blessing to find your happily ever after and it certainly doesn’t mean I wish you a long, prosperous existence.

You see, me choosing to carry on with my life doesn’t give you amnesty for all of your sins and it doesn’t change the fact that you did me wrong.

It just signifies that I was wise enough to realize that me remaining in one place, while you’re out there living your life as if nothing’s happened, would be the worst thing I could ever do.

So, no, I don’t want you to have a clear conscience.

I don’t want you to think that you’re entitled to a peaceful life, just because I found a way to put mine back together.

Call me a bad person, but I hope that you’ll spend the rest of your days haunted by each one of my tears.

That you’ll never stop regretting everything you made me go through. That you’ll experience all the devastating pain you made me feel.

Questo potrebbe farmi sembrare proprio come te, o anche peggio, ma I hope that you’ll never be able to forgive yourself per avermi trattato in quel modo e avermi perso per sempre.

I hope that guilt and remorse will follow you wherever you go, as long as you breathe, because it’s the only way justice can be served.