Questi miti relazionali sono il motivo per cui vi aspettate l'impossibile

Se avete guardato troppe commedie romantiche, le vostre aspettative in fatto di relazioni potrebbero essere surreale. But I’m just a romantic person – you’ll say in your defense. I’m not saying you should stop enjoying your favorite movie genre, but be aware – La vita non è fatta di cioccolatini e fiori.

Un paio di volte ero così disperato perché my boyfriend’s personality or looks didn’t match my desired qualities checklist. Some of them were too short, some were not interested in my tirades about astrology, others were not holding my hands the way I liked…

A dire la verità la mia lista era lunga, nessuno era così perfetto.

Credetemi, il Le aspettative elevate vi renderanno così frustrati da diventare tossici. Not that you’ll want to, of course, it’s just the way it goes. So make sure you don’t forget you’re dating a human, not a movie character. 

1. “He’s a man so HE must make a first move”

We’re not living in the Middle Ages gurl! It doesn’t matter who makes the first move as long you find things in common e continuare a chattare o a mandare messaggi. Pari diritti, ricordate? Avete il diritto di fare la prima mossa in quanto donne moderne e agguerrite!

A couple of times I made the first move and I’m glad I did, otherwise I would miss out on some great guys.

2. “That could never happen to me”

Mai dire mai, la vita è piena di sorprese, e siate pronti ad affrontare diversi ostacoli sul vostro cammino. Se credete you’d never let him see you crying even when you feel so broken inside, it can happen. That’s normal, that’s life.

I said I could never be with someone who doesn’t like dogs and guess what happened?

3. “I will make him jealous so he’ll crave for me”

Oh, don’t play the nasty games! He might be traumatized by pathological jealousy in the previous relationship so much that he’ll avoid showing even the slightest clue of the jealousy. Besides, he might see through your intentions and that’ll just push him away.

Credetemi, l'ho imparato a mie spese.

4. “Chemistry must be very strong otherwise it’s not a real thing”

It’s just a good starting point, but your relationship can’t be based simply on chemistry. If you don’t share the same views and can’t openly talk to each other, girl, you’re not in a proper relationship. It might be just a hook-up.

I mistook chemistry for love several times and it didn’t work out well. 

5. “He must take care of me”

Prendersi cura di te? You’re not a pet, woman! You can take care and provide for yourself, this is the 21st century. You need a partner, someone to share your life with. Don’t rely on his income!

I prefer to be independent and self-sufficient. That way, if we ever break up, at least I’m safe from being financially broken.

6. “He must be tall, handsome, and successful”

Oh, quindi cerchi Mr. Perfect? Sei sicura che la sua altezza, il suo aspetto e il suo successo possano renderti felice? Potrebbe avere un aspetto splendido e una carriera impressionante, ma allo stesso tempo essere un completo idiota all'interno.

I’ve dated Mr. Perfect and believe me, under the surface he wasn’t that perfect at all.

7. “It’s just one of his flaws, no one is perfect”

Fate attenzione se notate i segni della patologia nel suo comportamento. Questo vale anche per le dipendenze. I difetti sono una cosa, i problemi seri sono completamente diversi. So try not to be too “open-minded” and tolerant.

Una volta cercavo di giustificare il fatto che avesse bevuto troppo quella sera, ipotizzando che avesse avuto una brutta giornata al lavoro. Mi ci è voluto un po' per capire che aveva un problema di alcolismo.

8. “I will change him”

He’s a grown man and no, you can’t change him. You can talk about some of his actions and make him realize how they affect you, so he will or won’t adjust them. If you can’t live with his habits or awkward traits, move on, he’s not for you. 

Ricordo quando pensavo di riuscire a far smettere il mio ragazzo di mangiare cibo spazzatura, oh ragazzi, ero ingenua. Aspettava che mi addormentassi e si preparava un panino succulento.

Don’t waste your time. You’ll thank me later.

9. “I will not let him change me”

Of course not, and you shouldn’t. Rimanete fedeli a chi eravate prima di conoscerlo. However, small adjustments are necessary, you’ll expect the same from him.

I stopped partying every weekend because I wanted to spend time with my man. Surely, I didn’t give up on time with my besties, it was just not as often as before. 

10. “Half a loaf is better than none”

Don’t settle for mediocre options just to avoid being single. Stare con qualcuno fino alla prossima occasione migliore non è bello. (or mature). You can hurt someone who might be genuinely interested in you, and you won’t feel good either.

Every time I tried to go on a date with someone I didn’t really like, I would end up in anguish.

11. “If this doesn’t work, I’ll find a new boyfriend”

People are not shoes. So it’s not like “These won’t fit so I’ll get myself a new ones.” C'è un motivo per cui hai scelto di uscire con lui. He might have a unique personality or a very good sense of humor, he’s nice to your friends, ecc.

I was delusional when I thought I’d easily replace him with the next man behind the corner. Another man was just… very different.

12. “He treats me badly but helps me with the money”

Questo significa che sei diventata un po' dipendente da lui e che chiuderai un occhio. Innanzitutto, cercate di vedere il quadro generale, Staccatevi da tutti i suoi favori e verificate se si sta comportando in modo malsano. 

Is he prone to abusive behavior? If your answer is yes, I have only one piece of advice: run girl, and don’t look back.

13. “I hate rugby”

Avete il diritto di odiare il rugby, ma provate anche a immaginare come vi sentireste se lui sputasse: “Natal chart is just a bunch of nonsense”. You would feel insulted, wouldn’t you? So my dear, Assicuratevi di mostrare comprensione per il suo grande amore per il rugby. 

I watched the game with my SO a few times, and I kind of liked it. Try it, maybe you’ll change your mind too. At least, be supportive of his interests. You expect the same from him, right?

14. “The past stays in the past”

Not necessarily. If you have some unresolved issues with your ex-boyfriend or still have feelings for him, that will influence your present relationship. You may look for substitution and it usually doesn’t work well.

Cercate di lasciarvi alle spalle il passato e di concentrarvi sul presente con lui.. The man I’m currently seeing is different from anyone I’ve dated before, and I really enjoy getting to know him. I don’t compare him to my exes. 

Don’t allow shadows of the past to blur your view, use your “present eyes” to look at him. Trust me it’s the best thing to do.

15. “I’ll be a spoiled princess and he will do what I want”

Alcuni uomini lo faranno, forse. Altri scapperanno via da te. Chi vuole uscire con una bambina viziata? Lo faresti?

So be an adult and don’t play childish games. Learn to communicate your needs and try to explain your views well. It always surprises me how a simple open talk can be so effective.

16. “Things will get better if we have a baby”

No, no, no! Cercare di sistemare la vostra relazione rimanendo incinta di lui è una pessima idea. Not to say it’s a bit selfish.

Quel bambino merita di nascere in una famiglia sana e non di essere uno strumento che vi aiuti a riparare i difetti della vostra relazione.

Essendo cresciuto in un ambiente caloroso e solidale, Consiglio sempre ai miei amici di fare molta attenzione a chi scelgono per creare una famiglia. Don’t rush, wait for the right person!

17. “We never argue, our relationship is perfect”

La mancanza di disaccordo non è normale e di solito nasconde problemi più profondi che potrebbero non essere evidenti. Forse uno dei due ha semplicemente paura dei conflitti e tende ad evitarli. It doesn’t mean you two are the perfect match, you’re maybe just acting like everything is fine.

My sister got married way too fast, after dating John for only two months. They were that kind of “we don’t argue” couple and it ended up with a very ugly divorce.

I can’t imagine myself in a relationship without the occasional fights. I looove that makeup allure.

18. “Men and women can’t be friends! There’s always a hidden agenda”

Again I’ll remind you we live in the 21st century and questa convinzione è semplicemente superata, per non dire altro.

I had male friends in school and college, and I have work buddies. If he thinks they secretly desire me, he just might be a toxic person. That’s what Mark, my ex, used to think. See why he’s my ex?

19. “He needs to devote all his time to me”

Get real, you’re not the Siamese twins. His zone of interest goes way beyond you. He has friends, hobbies, and a family. Se il mio ragazzo preferisce passare tutto il suo tempo libero con me, mi preoccuperei.

Le persone che non hanno amici o che hanno un cattivo rapporto con la famiglia non sono un buon materiale da frequentare.

20. “He has to be there for me every time I need him”

Immagino che lo immaginiate come se fischiaste e lui corresse. Vuoi un uomo o un cane? Questo tipo di aspettativa è un grande repellente per gli uomini.

Si può amare veramente qualcuno che non ha dignità e rispetto di sé?

I’ll appreciate it if he’s there to wipe away my tears when my dog dies, but if he’s busy, it’s fine. I have friends too. It’s the same the other way around – we can’t be there for each other 24/7, and that’s fine.

Did you recognize yourself in any of these relationship myths? If you did, it’s time to reconsider your views and ground yourself. Healthy relationships are based on respect, support, and open talk. If you want your relationship to succeed, no manipulative games, pretty please!