6 consigli su come uscire con qualcuno con problemi di abbandono
Molto probabilmente qualcuno a cui volete bene è stato ferito in passato. Una persona che amate e che volete aiutare ha un segno profondo del passato e lo porta costantemente con sé, anche nel presente, e voi volete aiutarla.
You wonder how I know you want to help? If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article now, would you?
Now that we have that covered, let’s talk about the things you need to know in order to understand the state of mind of the person you’re trying to help.
Abandonment issues are not something that’s observed as an illness, but they most definitely are huge problems we too often neglect. We don’t really take them seriously until we enter a relationship with somebody and all the issues start projecting in that relationship.
What many people fail to understand is the fact that abandonment issues aren’t only associated with parental abandonment.
They can also be consequences of parental neglect, the death of someone really close to that person, the pain of loneliness after a best friend has moved away, and most frequently, they’re consequences of being rejected by someone he or she loved.
Queste sono le cicatrici che ci portiamo dietro per molto tempo, senza essere consapevoli di avere dei problemi.
We keep rushing through life without taking a minute to see if we’re actually feeling fine and doing what we should be doing.
All'inizio, quando entriamo in una relazione, tendiamo a guardare tutto attraverso occhiali rosa.
Non riusciamo a notare nient'altro che le cose carine che una persona fa per noi, ma quando le farfalle che continuano a volare nel nostro stomaco finiscono per svanire, la realtà ci travolge.
Dopo aver tolto i nostri occhiali rosa, i segnali di problemi di abbandono e di ansia da relazione might be displayed clearly, and only then we’re able to notice the behavior of the person that has a fear of abandonment.
Una persona con problemi di abbandono molto probabilmente proietterà le sue paure attraverso una gelosia estrema o un comportamento appiccicoso in una relazione sentimentale.
(S)he will have the tendency to pretend they don’t care about somebody when they, in reality, do.
Also, it’s common for people with abandonment issues to reject their partners before their partner rejects them.
Because of the fear of being abandoned, they choose to abandon first and “save” themselves from another painful, life event.
Un altro modo per individuare la persona con problemi di abbandono è osservare la persona che cerca disperatamente di farsi molti amici per non rimanere mai sola.
Anche l'estrema insicurezza e la costante sottovalutazione saranno caratteristiche forti della persona che ha paura di essere lasciata.
The ultimate sign of one’s abandonment issues are anxiety and depression, and how many people do you know who are struggling with depression and anxiety?
Tutte le caratteristiche della persona che ha problemi di abbandono sono il risultato di cure fisiche o emotive inadeguate.
A un certo punto, le persone che lottano con la paura dell'abbandono sono state lasciate sole nei momenti in cui avevano davvero bisogno di qualcuno che tenesse loro la mano mentre attraversavano le tempeste che la vita inviava loro.
Don’t be mistaken—sometimes a person with abandonment issues won’t put his feelings on display.
Potrebbe essere la persona più rumorosa nella stanza, il più grande maniaco delle feste o anche la persona che ride più forte nella vostra cerchia di amici. È necessario guardare oltre la maschera per vedere la persona reale.
Sai, potresti semplicemente andartene. Potresti risparmiarti e andartene.
Risparmiatevi tutti gli sforzi e il lavoro che è necessario fare quando si entra in una relazione con qualcuno che ha problemi di abbandono.
Potreste chiudere la storia prima che inizi e andare a vivere la vostra vita. Nessuno te lo rinfaccerà o ti giudicherà.
L'ultima cosa di cui ha bisogno una persona con problemi di abbandono è che lo lasciate proprio quando si è abituato ad avervi intorno.
But if you’re not a quitter, you really care for the person that has abandonment issues, and you want to make things work between the two of you, you need to know how what it takes to get you two comfortable around each other.
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Il primo passo per aiutare una persona con problemi di abbandono è in realtà riconoscere il problema. Se volete frequentare una persona che ha paura di essere lasciata, dovete fare in modo che si apra con voi. Deve raccontarvi cosa è successo davvero nella sua vita, in modo che possiate vedere le radici originarie di queste paure.
Il secondo passo in helping somebody with abandonment issues is making that somebody comfortable to talk openly with you. Once the person has shared the story of what happened in his life that made him like that, you’ll be able to talk about it whenever the problem between the two of you pops out.
If he gets too clingy or if the jealousy starts swimming to the surface, you’ll have all the freedom to mention what happened in his past and remind him not to project it on your relationship.
Il terzo passo is helping the person with abandonment issues to develop more positive reactions and realistic expectations for his life. If you’re dating somebody with abandonment issues, you must know by now that they tend to see many things negatively and pessimistically. He also tends to set unrealistic expectations in his life, and this is all because he once expected something and it didn’t really go as he planned.
He expected somebody to be there for him. He expected the people closest to him to care, and they didn’t.
Therefore, he got lost. And you’re the only one that cares enough to help him get his life back on track.
Il quarto passo is helping the person with the fear of abandonment to develop the ability to minimize the way fear controls his emotional response to the current relationship. You’ll have to remind him that you’re not the one he needs to be afraid of. You’re not the one that left him, and you’re not the one that’s going to leave.
Il quinto passo per aiutare la persona con problemi di abbandono è metterla a suo agio nel comunicare con successo i suoi bisogni in una relazione intima. Infatti, entrambi dovrete dire all'altro ciò di cui avete bisogno e nel modo giusto.
This is different from the second step because in the second step, you’re making each other comfortable to talk about your past in the first place, and now you’re getting comfortable to share each other’s needs. For example, he’ll tell you when he is feeling threatened by that guy and that he needs you to stop hanging so much with him, and you’ll be able to tell him that you need him to stop being so clingy in order to gain back your ‘me’ time.
E il sesto passo in helping your partner overcome his abandonment fears in order for you to have a healthy and functional relationship is building your partner’s confidence. When you date somebody, you get full insights into his insecurities and as you could’ve guessed, a person with abandonment issues has a lot of those.
Vedi anche: 5 incredibili consigli su come uscire con un uomo emotivamente danneggiato
If your partner has fears of being abandoned, it means his confidence is on a really low level. He won’t be able to build it up alone—he is going to need your help.
Siete voi a dovergli dimostrare che non ha nulla da temere.
You’re the one that needs to constantly remind him what an amazing and caring person he is and how he needs to trust himself a little bit more.
Once you help him overcome this and build his self-confidence, it’s going to be like you’re dating a reborn version of your partner.
There will be no more projecting his fears. There will be no more fights because he is jealous. You’ll be finally able to breathe in that relationship.
It won’t be easy. It’s going to require a lot of work. It’s going to be emotional, it’s going to be painful, and many times you’ll think about giving up.
In questi casi, invece di arrendervi, cercate di ricordare il motivo per cui avete deciso di aiutare.
When this happens, think about where you want to be and how far have you come. And don’t give up. Because it’s going to pay off in the end.
Thanks to you, thanks to your care and your devotion, you’re going to get both of you and your relationship to a healthy level where you’ll be able to live your life to the fullest.
You’ll get to the level where nothing will be holding back nor your love or your life. And if this final goal isn’t worth your effort, I don’t know what is.
