Perché amo ancora il mio ex e come posso andare avanti?

If you’ve ever asked yourself “Why do I still love my ex?” you probably also wondered how long it will take to finally superarli.

Love and grief, like many emotions, aren’t predictable. Experiencing something good that turns bad is always painful.

In the end, it doesn’t matter why you broke up and who said what – you ended up hurt and you found it difficult to move on in your life.

You separated but your emotions stayed the same because they can’t just disappear overnight. If the breakup was unexpected, and particularly if it was painful, this is even more true.

Even if you thought you hated that person right after the breakup, later on (and possibly after a few glasses of wine) you probably realized “Oh no, I’m still in love with my ex”. “Wait, perché lo amo così tanto?”

Allora, perché ami ancora il tuo ex?

Uno dei motivi è sicuramente l'attaccamento.

Attachment is the deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another. It’s the first thing we seek as children and we keep searching for it throughout our life.

When we genuinely love someone we invest so much time and so many feelings in them that we almost feel like part of us stays with them – and part of us does.

Dopo un crepacuore, many people feel like they’re missing a part of themselves. When we’re in a relationship we tend to think as a couple and always care about the needs of our significant other.

Diventa un modello di pensiero regolare e molte persone hanno difficoltà a tornare a preoccuparsi solo di se stesse.

Often, people who get used to being in a long-term relationship will jump into a new relationship because they can’t stand being alone.

They think that a new boyfriend or a new girlfriend will solve their problems. Do I even need to say that’s rarely the case?

A relazione sana richiede che una persona si preoccupi dell'altra e ne condivida la felicità e la tristezza.

Once that’s gone we’re left feeling confused, lost, and betrayed – even if we weren’t really betrayed.

Every separation is trauma. Every loss of love is tragic. That’s just how human beings are. We’re dependent on love, connection, and being accepted by other people.

No wonder we’re obsessed with concepts like soulmates and a love that lasts forever. Deep down every one of us wants to be fully accepted and loved unconditionally.

L'unico problema è che non ci sentiremo mai completamente qualsiasi cosa until we accept ourselves first. It might sound cliché, but it’s true.

Pensate a quali sentimenti ha risvegliato in voi l'assenza di un'altra persona?

Do you feel like you’re not good enough, do you feel ashamed or abandoned – are you angry or sad?

Ask yourself why you feel all those feelings. In almost every case of stubborn emotions that won’t go away, there’s an underlying issue we have with ourselves.

The thing is – when you’re at peace with yourself you can be sad e love your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend; you can admit to yourself “I still love my ex” and yet move on with your life.

It’s possible to give yourself enough time to grieve and then look back at everything with acceptance and love in your heart and start living your life without them.

It’s not abnormal to keep loving your ex after the relationship ends.

Dopo tutto, avete condiviso con loro le parti più intime di voi stessi. Anche se alla fine le cose sono andate male, quello che è successo tra voi due a un certo punto è ancora reale.

Ogni relazione, romantica o meno, sana o malsana, è un'esperienza di apprendimento e se riflettete sulle vostre relazioni passate potreste notare che schemi simili continuano a ripetersi nel corso della vostra vita.

Tutto quello che è successo tra voi due era destinato ad accadere e questo include la rottura.

Breakups are hard because it’s not only about the separation – it’s about having your dreams and hopes shattered.

All the things you imagine you would do with your partner turned out to be an unreachable dream and that’s extremely unmotivating.

Not to mention all society’s expectations that we subconsciously accept and that make us repeatedly feel disappointed because we, our partner, or our current relationship, don’t look a certain way.

Vita reale isn’t una commedia romantica.

It’s messy, unpredictable, and sometimes scary and painful (especially when it comes to le fasi di una rottura). Things don’t always go the way we want them to but that doesn’t mean we should give up.

It’s possible to achieve what we want – it’s just that we first need to know the difference between what we davvero e ciò che vogliamo e di cui abbiamo bisogno e ciò che pensare abbiamo bisogno e vogliamo.

For example, if someone has broken up with you, doesn’t that mean that che person clearly isn’t what you need?

Yes, we can always choose to indulge in fantasies we create about our partners but eventually, we should realize the truth, even if it hurts – if they don’t love us that means they’re not what we need and the heartache that we feel might be just the pain of feeling not good enough for someone else.

Abbiamo bisogno di amore reciproco. Abbiamo bisogno di un migliore amico e di un amante che ci ami incondizionatamente. Prima di tutto questo, però, abbiamo bisogno di amare noi stessi.

A volte finiamo per avere il cuore spezzato solo per imparare a costruire un rapporto sano con noi stessi e con gli altri.

Tutto il tempo e l'impegno che dedichiamo agli altri dovremmo dedicarlo anche a noi stessi. L'amore per se stessi è ciò che ci guarisce dal dolore.

Don’t continue the cycle, break it. Don’t end up in another relationship and repeat the same mistakes when you can heal yourself first and be ready for the person who’s really meant for you.

Don’t be afraid to be sad, to grieve, and reflect. All these things help to teach you a lesson. On your journey to amore per se stessi e la guarigione, è necessario adottare alcune misure supplementari per facilitare le cose:

Come dimenticare un ex che si ama ancora

Applicare il regola del divieto di contatto

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

Lo scopo del regola del divieto di contatto è quello di aiutarvi a guarire da una rottura e a vedere le cose con maggiore obiettività. Le rotture sono un problema e le persone sono sensibili.

Every little thing can trigger our feelings: one word or text message is enough to make us spiral down to our lowest point – not to mention what one look or the sound of their voice, their smell, or their touch could do.

If you’re frequently thinking about your ex, you’re not ready for any kind of contact.

We go back and revisit all the best moments we had with them while forgetting all the bad ones (because that’s what our brains do).

Cutting off contact is hard, but it’s the most efficient way to really heal. Remove them from your social media and smettete di mandargli messaggi.

And let’s not fool ourselves – keeping an ex as a friend is too often just a sign that one of you is hoping for things to go back the way they were.

I’m not saying that friendship isn’t possible, but it’s not possible right after a breakup and it’s not possible to be as intense as you would like it to be.

You need to protect yourself with healthy boundaries, especially if you’re in a situation where you can’t avoid seeing your partner – for example, because of children if they’re your ex-wife or ex-husband.

Pensate ai vostri sentimenti, a ciò che vi fa stare bene e a ciò che vi fa stare male, a ciò che alimenta il vostro desiderio e a ciò che vi fa stare bene da soli.

Be a friend to yourself first. Live your life. Do things that make you happy, even if it’s just a small and insignificant thing. Try doing new things.

Ritrovare se stessi. Esplorate i vostri interessi da soli. Investite in voi stessi. Fate dei progetti per voi stessi e iniziate a realizzarli.

Uscite con i vostri amici e lasciate che vi distraggano dal vostro ex. Iniziate a parlare con altre persone.

Just put all your effort into self-improvement and self-care activities and make sure it’s something you truly like.

Smettete di idealizzare il vostro ex

“Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” – Haruki Murakami

This is probably the number one reason why we can’t get over our exes. We idealize them!

Ask yourself: “Do I love my ex or do I like my idea of him/her?”

We go back and revisit all the best moments we had with them while forgetting all the bad ones (because that’s what our brains do).

In sostanza, immaginiamo cose che non sono vere nella realtà. I ricordi non sono affidabili.

It’s easier for us to think about what’s already been than to deal with what’s happening now.

Getting back with your ex won’t solve anything and you’ll probably end up even more disappointed and create a problem and a half.

They’re not what you remember: they are the same person you broke up with – and you broke up with a reason.

They’re not the one who got away. If they’re gone, that’s because they weren’t the one.

Romance and daydreaming are not a bad thing, but if they make you hurt yourself – then yes, I suggest you skip them altogether.

There’s no perfect person for you and your ex definitely wasn’t perfect either. You don’t want your ex back.

There are people with whom you can achieve your full potential but that still doesn’t mean they’re perfect, it means their imperfection doesn’t affect you badly.

Instead of idealizing your ex, use your imagination to plan out the next big thing in your life that’s going to make you happy.

Remember you’re powerful

“You’re always one decision away from a totally different life.” – Unknown

Può essere difficile acquisire fiducia in se stessi dopo una rottura, ma è proprio su questo che bisogna lavorare.

Devi innamorarti di nuovo di te stessa. Lasciati guarire in pace, ma impegnati nelle cose che ami fare.

Now it’s the best time to push through self-limiting beliefs.

Go back to that mindset of a child when you thought you could do anything – because that’s true and you still can. What separates you from that is your fear of failure.

Don’t be afraid of failure. Everyone who has made progress and become successful in any aspect of life first had to fail.

I fallimenti, alla fine, diventano sempre la prova del nostro successo e del nostro duro lavoro.

Remember the potential you carry in yourself – you can do the things you dream of and you don’t need anyone but yourself.

Don’t confuse your past experiences and your memories with facts. What happened to you in the past doesn’t define you. You have permission to change and outgrow things.

Avete il permesso di vivere la vostra vita alle vostre condizioni.

Don’t forget that you’re powerful being on your own. Ditch the self-doubt and start experiencing life as a one time opportunity.

You’re powerful enough to face your fears – and that includes the fear of loneliness, the fear of not being enough, and every other fear that comes with a breakup.

Accettare il proprio passato

“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards.” – Søren Kierkegaard

Lasciarsi andare.

Il primo passo è consentire le emozioni negative ed essere gentili con se stessi.

Step two is to accept the fact that other people don’t owe you anything, they’re responsible for their actions and how you react to things is your responsibility.

Smettete di pensare ai "se". Ciò che è accaduto nel passato rimane lì. L'unica cosa su cui potete influire è il presente. Quindi, datevi un pizzicotto e chiedetevi: cosa posso fare ora per migliorare la mia vita?

Prendetevi cura delle vostre esigenze

“Be you, love you. All ways, always.” – Alexandra Elle

Iniziate a pensare attivamente al vostro benessere. Impegnatevi nella cura di voi stessi.

Don’t just read about and listen to what other people are doing but try to find the things you personally like.

Take care of your body. It’s not just a superficial thing – it’s the way we connect with the present moment.

That’s how we ground ourselves and rest our overactive minds. Other than that it’s the practice of self-love.

Imparate a dire di no, a proteggere la vostra energia. Scegliete con chi passare il vostro tempo.

Organizzatevi. Concedetevi un viaggio in un posto dove avete sempre voluto andare.

Spend time with your friends and tell them how much they mean to you. Don’t be afraid of being vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings.

If you’re feeling like things are not getting better, seek the help of mental health professionals. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact – it can transform your life and make you feel whole again.

Don’t think it’s wrong to still love your ex

“I don’t count life as life without love.” – Leo Tolstoy

Don’t close off your heart because you’ve been hurt. If you still love your ex that means you’re capable of loving someone without interest and that’s a beautiful thing.

Don’t ever think that feeling is wrong, because it’s not – no matter what anyone says.

Don’t stop believing in love and think you’re never going to find anyone who will understand you.

You never know what life has in store for you. There’s always a silver lining in every situation, you just need to look in the right direction.

Dealing with a breakup is tough but it’s possible to overcome it.

I can assure you that one day you’ll look back at this part of your life and be grateful that things happened the way that did because they taught you so many things about life and yourself.

Thinking “I still love my ex” shouldn’t be something that holds you back or makes you feel self-conscious.

You can grow from it and change that thought to “I love myself enough to understand that thing that happened to me helped me grow and be the person I am today”.