Guardate l'esterno o l'interno?

What draws you to another person can say a lot about your own morals and values. In order to garner a better sense of self and understand what makes us tick, we can take a closer look at the connections we’ve made and dissect why we’ve made them. Why do we enjoy the company of some more than others? We can also take a look at what attracts us to another person when we first meet them. Do we look primarily at the interior—are we drawn to their mind, their heart, their life perspective—or the exterior? Would we rather associate with someone who is fisicamente attraente, ricco o famoso?

La prossima volta che sarete impegnati in una conversazione significativa con una persona a cui tenete, o che magari state incontrando per la prima volta, pensate a ciò che vi piace di questa persona. Che cosa rende significativo questo legame?

This may be particularly important to ponder during that initial conversation. This could be a potential partnership or friendship, a new colleague or cohort. When engaging in first-time conversations we often make judgments more quickly than we like to admit. We like the way this person dresses or we don’t. We like the way they talk, or we don’t. We like their sense of style, how they interact with others or the environment around them, etc.

After you’ve returned to a quiet space later in the day, note mentally what you noticed and why. Maybe you actually had no idea what this new acquaintance was wearing or how they talked. Maybe you felt a positive intangible vibe between the two of you or something seemed odd and you just can’t put your finger on it. Did you find their words genuine or did their body language seem insincere?

Perché è importante? Il modo in cui giudichiamo gli altri, soprattutto quando i giudizi sono più oggettivi che soggettivi, dice molto su chi cerchiamo di essere. It’s more difficult to examine how we feel about a family member or friend we’ve known our whole life than it is someone brand new. So, figuring out what passed through our mind during an early initial meeting or two will offer insight into how our subconscious is operating and why we present the way we do.

Notate soprattutto tratti fisici, mentali, emotivi o comportamentali? Vorreste che questa persona notasse gli stessi tratti in voi? Dedica più tempo ad ascoltare attivamente gli altri o a esprimere la sua opinione? Vi piace dedicare più tempo al vostro aspetto quando incontrate qualcuno di nuovo? Perché o perché no?

If you’ve ever been in an abusive attachment, you probably understand how important it is to look beyond the physical and take note of the person’s heart. Some, unfortunately, learn this the hard way. But once you make the mistake of trusting someone who didn’t deserve it, you are forever more careful to consider what’s hidden beneath the surface.

Le intenzioni di un altro sembrano genuine? Hanno una certa profondità? Sono davvero interessati a conoscervi o sono più interessati ad avervi? Per evitare di rientrare in una situazione dannosa, dobbiamo fare in modo di non farci prendere dalla superficialità.

Considerate anche se siete genuini con questa persona o se state cercando di proiettare un falso senso di sé. Siete interessati a ciò che ha da dire o state cercando di farvi conoscere? Per evitare di rientrare in una situazione tossica, è importante anche capire a che punto siamo.

Of course, someone can legitimately have it all—the looks, the personality, and a good heart. Just make sure you understand the difference between having everything and pretending to have everything. And always remember to stick to your morals and what’s important to you.

No one is perfect. It’s important to see through a false projection of perfection, and to not hold someone to unachievable standards at the same time. After all, we would want others to accettare le nostre imperfezioni without having to pretend they don’t exist. The most meaningful connections are those that are the most real from the very start.