I get that we are done. I get that there’s no coming back. I get that we are a part of the past and that we don’t fit into each other’s lives anymore.

The only thing that I don’t get is why I still feel the same love for you as when you were still by my side.

I don’t know what to do with all this love that remained inside of me? What to do with all those messed up feelings? What to do with all this pain inside my chest? 

Just because we are over it doesn’t mean my feelings disappeared overnight. You are still inside of my heart. You are still a part of my soul.

I find myself longing for you. Longing for all those moments I will never get back. Longing for all that could have been but never will. Longing for the love we shared and lost.

Memories get me to this state where happiness and sadness intertwine.

Happiness because I got the chance to live those moments with you. Sadness because I am missing you. I am missing something that will never be.

Nostalgia hits me the most when I am all alone with my thoughts.

Whenever my thoughts wander, they find their way to you. It hits me when I have to do things all by myself, things that I would usually do with you. It hits me when I am having a bad day and I have no one to share it with. It hits me when I am having a good day and you are the first person I want to tell all about it.

I still have those moments where I stare at my phone hoping that your name will suddenly appear. I twitch at every beep it makes, hoping that this one might be from you.

I can’t help but wonder if you are thinking about me just as much as I am of you? 

I loved making memories with you. It just never crossed my mind they would hurt this much.

Now I am stuck with them. Stuck with this love that remained. The love I still feel for you even though I know you don’t feel the same way about me. At least not anymore.

Tell me, where did all that love you felt for me once go?’  I need to know so I can tell mine to take the same road away from me.

This breakup aftermath is killing me and I don’t know what to do with this love I still feel for you. I can’t tell my heart to stop loving you with all it’s broken pieces.  I don’t know how to get over you but I know I have to find a way. 

I think the best thing I can do for myself is to stop looking at you with my heart and start looking with my eyes. 

I was blinded by love for so long that I kept justifying your every move. Where others see catastrophes I saw hope that things will get better. But you know what? They should have been better a long time ago. I am sick of excuses.

I am emotionally tired, I am drained because I feel this much for you even though I know you are not worthy of my love. You are not worthy of all that I’ve given you. You are not worthy of us. 

But in all this mess in my head, I see one thing clear – the only road I am left with now is forward.

I have to keep on walking towards my future no matter how much it takes. Every day I’m at least half a step further away from you. Till that blissful day on which I will wake up free of these thoughts about you free of this love that’s making my life a living hell. the final destination where there’s no more you.

The only way I’ll ever get there is by giving myself all the things I gave you.

I will give myself the same amount of understanding.

I will go easy on myself. I won’t push myself too hard. I know that there will be days when I will move mountains. Then there will be those when I will be happy if I even make it out of bed. It doesn’t matter, it’s still moving forward.

I will give myself the same amount of respect.

The same respect you tossed away so easily. The same respect and validation you never gave back to me.  I will value myself more.  I will discover my own worth. I will celebrate my small victories as if they were big ones.

I will have more faith in myself. 

I was your greatest supporter. I believed you can achieve anything you set your mind to. I am so sorry now that I didn’t have the same faith in myself. I used to believe in you. I will never underestimate myself. I will rise and fall and then rise again. And I will keep on rising as many times as I have to.

I survived you and I will survive this breakup hence I am strong enough to make it through anything.

I deserve all the love I gave you and never got back. Everything we had came from my end I know that now. You were never really all in. I was always and still am the one who loves more. 

But I learned my lesson one-sided love is a dead-end street and I am not going to go there anymore. 

Now, I want the love that doesn’t stop, the love that moves and keeps going toward me. This love I still have for you will fade away with time. It will find it’s way away from me. It will disappear as I realize that I deserve way more than you.