Still I miss him, still he wanders around at the back of my mind like an uninvited guest and I can’t help myself. It’s fine when I’m awake.
It’s easier during the day but when the night comes, when I’m left to the mercy of my own thoughts before I go to sleep, he pops in and there is no way I can chase him away.
There is no way to shut my mind down and find that small part of peace without him that I’m craving so badly.
So many times I’ve seen a complete stranger on the street and the color of his shirt reminded me of the color of his eyes. The scent of an innocent stranger throws me back to the days when we were happy. All of that gets me thinking. All of that gets me craving the past.
I’m occupying my days just to forget him. I’m doing all things possible just to not remember his face, his smell, his walk or his talk. I’m doing everything just to not miss him because I know I shouldn’t.
I know I shouldn’t but somehow I can’t not.
And it doesn’t make any sense really. I should hate him. I should hate the very thought of him, his presence, his everything. And yet, he is always there, at the back of my mind, waiting for me to put my walls down and let him into my thoughts.
No one really gets it. No one knows how I feel. I just can’t let anyone know. After everything he’s done to me, I have no right to miss him, only a crazy person would do that and yet I do. So I keep my mouth shut and I hurt alone.
I have to keep it to myself. I have to stay quiet and go through this pain of not having him all to myself anymore.
I know it’s hard now to let go of him. I know that nothing ever goes away overnight but I don’t get just one thing.
The rational part of me keeps yelling to forget about him. It keeps reminding me what horrible things he did to me. It keeps telling me that he never changed, even after so many chances given and that this time it wouldn’t be any different.
But the emotional part of me, the ‘insane’ part, keeps bringing him back. It keeps showing flashes of his smiling face. It keeps provoking empathy and craves him back, although it shouldn’t.
The truth is, I only remember all the good things.
I remember how he made me laugh so hard that my stomach would hurt. I remember how he made a complete fool of himself just to bring a tiny smile to my face.
I remember all the crazy things we did together, how happy we were without a care in the world, without a worry in the world.
We thought love was that simple. There were problems and we chose to ignore them. We pretended nothing was happening until they kept coming back and then one time it was too much.
All the things we kept brushing under the rug, we kept hiding, came back and hit us in our faces. There was no bouncing back from that.
One day I had him, and the next, he was a complete stranger. He was gone.
And I can’t force myself to forget him. I can’t stop missing him. And I know I should.
Underneath it all, I know that he doesn’t deserve to be missed. I know that I’m a complete idiot for being stuck in those happy memories we had together. I know that I’m the only one.
While I roll around in my bed at night trying to kick him out of my thoughts, I know that he sleeps perfectly still. I know that he doesn’t miss me and that he doesn’t think about me.
Then, I’m angry at myself. I’m angry because I’m stuck on him and he let me go a long time ago.
He was the one who called it quits on us. He was the one who didn’t want to fight anymore. I wanted us to work but he didn’t care enough to try.
I kept giving him the time and space to turn things around but he didn’t see it that way. I guess I was just something casual he ran into along the way and I thought we would last much longer. I was wrong.
But you know what I’ve learned?
I’d rather miss him the way I remember him. I’d rather miss the good sides of him.
So, I know it’s for the best because I know that I would be miserable if we had stayed together.
So I’d rather miss him than be with him.