For ages, I was convinced that I’d spend the rest of my life hating your guts after everything you’d done to me. I was sure that I would despise you for as long as I breathed and that one of these days, this overconsuming resentment I felt would eat me alive.
I thought that I would spend the whole of eternity overwhelmed by the bitter taste of your betrayal. That I would never go back to being the woman I used to be before you stabbed me in the back and broke my heart, after everything we’d been through together.
For ages, I was convinced that I could never get the strength to forgive you for cheating on me. And to be honest, I didn’t want to do so either. Nevertheless, here I am doing just that—forgiving you.
Yes, you’ve heard it right—you have my honest forgiveness. No, it is not a trick and I am not lying to you—I really am forgiving you from the bottom of my soul and with my whole heart.
After all this time, I’ve stopped cursing the day you were born and the day I let you into my life, I’ve stopped wishing you the worst and I’ve stopped hoping that everything you did to me would haunt you for as long as you live.
To be honest, I don’t know if you care. I don’t know if you’ve finally taken responsibility for everything you did or if you’ve come to terms with the damage you caused.
Nevertheless, I don’t care either. I don’t give a shit if my forgiveness means anything to you.
And you know why? Because I don’t forgive you because of you—I’m doing it for my sake.
This doesn’t mean that your actions are magically erased and it doesn’t change the fact that you are a cheater. This just means that I’m accepting the apology I never got in order to free myself.
I am doing it because it is the only way for me to let go of all the pain you made me go through. For me to let go of the past, to let go of you and to finally move on.
This is just me giving up on the idea of any kind of revenge. Me being aware that karma’s a bitch and that life will find its way to repay you for everything sooner or later.
This is just me choosing not to allow the negativity and the bitterness you caused to become a part of who I am now. Me choosing not to allow the pain you caused to define me as a person.
Nevertheless, me forgiving you certainly doesn’t mean that I want you back. It doesn’t mean that we can be friends or that I want to have anything to do with you.
On the contrary, all I want is to forget that you were ever a part of my life. To forget that I ever loved you and that I thought you were the one for me.
I just want to forget how stupid I was for not seeing that you were making a fool out of me right under my nose. That I believed that you were loyal and faithful while you were actually sneaking around behind my back all along.
I want to forget about the moments when I even thought about forgiving you just because I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you by my side and because I couldn’t stand missing you the way I did. About the courage and the strength it took to cut you out of my life and to send you to hell.
I just want to forget the enormous pain I felt when I found out the truth and the pain I kept feeling afterward. I want to forget how I blamed myself, wondering why I wasn’t enough for you so you had to chase other women.
I want to forget all the nights I cried myself to sleep, all the times I wanted to die and all the times I felt broken beyond repair.
All I want is to forget you.