I’ve learned a lot this last year. I won’t be making the same mistakes anymore. I let you into my life. I was so naive and foolish and I didn’t understand that you never intended to love me.

I’m not saying that I regret everything that has happened because it’s not true. I don’t regret some moments with you because there were times when I felt loved, although it was just for a second, and there were times that left nice and warm feelings inside me.

But, today, when I look back, there are a lot more bad memories than good ones and for that I forgive myself.

I’m not forgiving you because you aren’t nearly as guilty as I am. I was the one who let you in my life and I was the one who bought all of your bullshit stories. That’s why I’m forgiving myself and not you.

When we broke up, I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest but I felt like another one was put on. It was the pain of my broken heart. I was so unhappy in our relationship that I forgot that I still loved you. Despite all that you have done to me and the way you treated me, I couldn’t help but to still love you.

While I was driving back home, I was driving in complete silence. No sound was heard but my own heartbeats in the middle of the night. There was this mixed feeling of sadness and happiness growing inside me. The silence in the car was broken by a sudden cry from my mouth. It felt so good to unleash whatever it was that was building up inside me.

I was trying to look at the road while choking in tears. That was when I realized that I would have loved you my whole life. I would have been with you despite the things you’ve done to me.

I don’t know whether it was love or fear I was feeling. Because, how could I have known what love is when I failed with you who swore to love me forever?

Days and months passed and I still couldn’t nurture myself back to health. I couldn’t go out in the daylight. I couldn’t let other people see me falling apart. I couldn’t let them know you broke me.

My walls have become my best friends. I spend days in my room staring at them, hoping to get an answer—like they are going to talk to me and explain to me why and how all of this has happened.

All that time, I had the answer right in front of me and then I finally realized it. I would have never given up on you if you didn’t give up on me. I would have spent the rest of my life hurting and thinking love is supposed to be like that because you taught me that.

You never knew how to love me and for that you always blamed me. And I was stupid enough to believe you.

This year I’ve decided to finally let you go for good.

I realized it wasn’t my fault you didn’t know how to love me. You failed on every level of love. I say that and what do I know about love other than that sorry ass of a try you gave me?  It wasn’t my fault that you thought talking to you when I was feeling sad was stupid. It wasn’t my fault that calling you to tell you I love you was suffocating you. It wasn’t my fault for wanting to commit to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

It was your fault. I’m only responsible for giving you the chance to love me, which you wasted.

I realized it wasn’t my fault you never knew my worth. You were always putting me down and making me feel not good enough for you. You always made me care for you so much more and you didn’t give a damn whether I was dead or alive. It’s not my fault that you didn’t see the real me and the potential I finally realized I’ve had all this time.

You were my perfect lesson for the future. I won’t close myself off, but I promise myself that I will be more careful with my heart.

It was my fault that I was hurting because I broke my own heart by trying to prove myself I deserve to be loved back. I wanted this so badly that I ignored everything else around me and it cost me my pain and my tears in the end.

I invested so much in you and I didn’t want to be wrong about you. I had known this the whole time. It’s just that my heart took some time to catch up with my mind.

This year, I’m giving myself another chance. I think I deserve it.

This year I’m going to let you go for good. I think I deserve that as well.

This year I hope to meet someone I will love as much as I loved you. This year I hope he will love me the way I deserve.

This year I know that you letting me go was your loss and not mine.

This year I’m going to start all over again.