It’s been exactly a year and 10 months since we last talked. That was also the last time when I could think of you without feeling a knot in my stomach.
I’m in a new relationship, a better one. He reminds me of you. He constantly reminds me that he is everything you weren’t. He is passionate, patient, and full of understanding. He cares for me. He shows interest in my family and enjoys time spent with my friends. He doesn’t try to keep me away from his friends; he doesn’t enjoy making fun of important parts of my personality.
I can’t forget how being around you for the last couple of months of our relationship was like walking on eggshells. And when I was trying hard to please you, it was never enough. I was never enough because I was supposed to be prettier, smarter, less emotional or simply better—but according to your standards.
I don’t think that you’re a bad person, but you weren’t the right person for me. I wasn’t the right person for you either. Problem is that I put all of my effort into becoming one. We were toxic for each other; I know it now. And although I truly hope that I will forgive you one day, it’s clear to me that that tempestuous time behind us was the best thing that could have happened to us. The good and the bad – all of it was a great lesson.
Perhaps the price was high, but because of you, I learned so much about myself and my invisible part. All of my tears made sense. I realized that I have the power to overcome, leave, and move on. It took a while, but it happened.
Maybe that story about the soulmate is true after all. Maybe he’s really the one who brings you to your own attention, so you can change your life; he breaks your heart open so new light can get in. That means that you’ll have to fight your worst enemy – yourself, that part of you that holds you back, but you’ll survive. Not just that, you’ll open your eyes and become stronger and more peaceful than ever.
I think I’ve completely erased you from my life now. You’re blocked, removed. I don’t hate you because where there is hate, there is also passion. What I feel is called indifference. I’m not interested in how your workday was or what you do in your free time. I’ve stopped wondering if I’ll ever run into you as I pass by ‘our’ places, and all of your favorite things became just things.
You wonder about the purpose of this letter then? Although I’m indifferent to you, I’m not indifferent to what you did to me. I still feel the consequences of that tempestuous time, the bitter taste of the toxic bond we had. And although the poison is no longer running through my veins, the unpleasant side effects sometimes occur—insecurity and mistrust; the fear of rejection, the fear that he will replace me with a better one.
But, you know what helps in such situations? The fact that my new boyfriend is also my friend. In fact, I believe that friendship is the link we lacked. Friends don’t condemn; they’re not selfish. They want the best for each other. You wanted the best for yourself, and you made it clear to me that I wasn’t that. You fooled me. You made me believe that there still was a chance for a fairytale as long as I was doing what you wanted me to do.
Were we ever in love? Good question; I wonder the same. I believe that we were at some point, in our somewhat distorted way, we really were. But that wasn’t true love. True love knows that it’s necessary to make sacrifices sometimes. True love cares about the other one.
Good things come to those who wait. I’m glad I was patient enough to wait and welcome new, pure, and real love. It all happened when I decided to follow my own intuition for the first time, pursuing my own dreams because your dreams were never similar to mine.
The day when we broke up, I went on this really long walk, through fields, up to huge hills, until I got to the top of this mountain and looked out over the world. The second I reached the peak, the song Let go began to boom. I cried my eyes out but realized how big this world is, how much there is to do, and how there are so many good people to meet.
That day was the beginning of my journey of realization which made me see how this breakup was another bump in the road of life. Let go is a key to what’s within. That is the most important lesson of this journey, and this letter is my final, much-needed closure. So, wherever you are and whoever you are with, I hope that you are happy, that you are good, but I hope we will never meet again.
