“Please understand me, I need time to commit. I don’t think I’m ready yet.”
Those were the words I had to listen to every single time I tried to talk seriously about our relationship.
After a while, I had even lost count of how many times you had told me that same sentence.
I must tell you that I still think about what might have happened if I had stayed. If I had waited for you to ‘be ready’ for a relationship.
Maybe things would be different. Maybe today we would be living together, spending our days loving each other unconditionally.
Or maybe I would still be chasing you and trying to find a way to get to your heart, breaking those walls you’d built up.
All that time I spent waiting resulted in endless daydreams about you and me.
I could clearly see the moment when you would come up to me, telling me that you loved me and that you would love me for the rest of time.
I dreamed about us, walking hand in hand through the streets of our little town, while we talked about all the things that we had been through and we would be making plans for the future.
That is what I wanted to see, that is the life I wanted to live with you. Instead, all I got was months filled with expectations, constant breakdowns and you… always you.
With your unwillingness, you listened to what I had to say. With you trying to tell me that it was OK to see other people but if a man texted me, you would throw a tantrum.
There was nothing that I could have told you that would have changed your mind at that time and I was so willing to love you.
I actually loved you so much but you never felt the same way, telling me that you needed more time to figure your life out.
How long does a man need for that? And why is so much heartbreak included in that?
If you are asking yourself now why I left when I did, let me just tell you that I got sick and tired of you talking about the butts of the women you encountered.
I got sick of you telling me about the women you texted and telling me that it meant nothing because you didn’t want anything serious with them.
My heart was broken from day to day, every time a little more, every time hurting me more.
The pain in my chest reminded me every single day of how wrong everything we had actually was and that I had to find a way to stick around until you were ready for a real relationship.
Gladly, I am not like you. I am not someone who will make lame excuses and try to convince you that everything I did had a reason you couldn’t understand.
I think you do understand why I had to walk away from you.
You saw me breaking into pieces and breaking apart every single day and you still didn’t do anything to make it even a bit easier for me.
When I finally realized my own worth, when I finally got to the point where I decided that what I deserved was way more than what you were giving me, I chose myself.
The reason why it took me so long was your empty promises that I kept on believing because I wanted you to hug me and tell me that you were never going to leave.
The manipulation I endured was way worse than you could ever imagine and I don’t want you to do that to any other girl ever.
I just hope that you got the time you needed and that the next woman in your life won’t be broken apart like I was.
I wish all the best for you, as long as you’re far, far away from me.
And if you were wondering (but I guess you’re not) I am doing all right. Sometimes I remember you but I think that with this letter I will get the closure I so desperately need.
And you? I hope you understand that I will never come back to you. I see those texts, I see those phone calls, but I choose to ignore them.
I try to avoid all the places that I know you’ll be simply because I don’t want to go back to that part of my life ever again.
The next time you’re alone, drunk and horny, just remember that you lost me forever. So that maybe one day you’ll stop calling and texting, saying that you want me back.
I never even had you, so I don’t have anywhere to go back to.