When I was with him, I never had to care. I never had to wonder about what he liked and what he didn’t. I knew his style, I knew him to the bone.
It was all relaxed. He would pick me up and we would go to the places we both loved. I knew how he liked my hair and what perfume to wear. It was all so simple.
Now, you’re picking me up. I’m waiting by the door, nervous, looking at my dress, wondering if I should have gone with the blue and not the red one. I’ve been ready for the last half hour.
I would normally light a cigarette while I’m waiting but I don’t know if you’re a smoker or not. I don’t know if the smoke will bother you.
So instead I’m sitting on the sofa with my feet nervously tapping on the floor and my eyes glancing at the time.
I’m fed up, I can’t sit any longer. I get up and I stare at the mirror dubiously, gazing at my untamed curly hair. You’ll be here in 10 minutes.
What if you don’t like curly hair? What if you’re a straight hair type of a guy?! Maybe I should have gone with the straight look.
Fuck it! There is not enough time to change it now.
Then it hits me… but wait! Why am I worrying what he likes and what he doesn’t like. I’m the way I am and I’m not planning on changing for anyone.
But that sudden moment of realization and acceptance of self-worth doesn’t last long.
I almost immediately started examining my body, inch by inch, to keep on looking for the things you might not like.
The doorbell rings! You’re here.
I silently whisper to myself: “Okay, I almost positively know what this is going to be like.” I’m going to nervously play with my food while trying to untame the wild thoughts running around my head about whether you find me attractive or not.
With him, I never had to worry. I knew he liked my body, I knew he wouldn’t judge me for eating a greasy burger and making a mess of myself.
Then the check will come, we’ll fight over who’ll pay for it. I won’t let you and in the end, you’ll insist and I’ll cave.
Then you’ll leave me wondering if you got offended because I let you pay. Anyway, there is no way of knowing for sure.
We’ll date for a while. You’ll say stupid things just to make me laugh. You’ll make a fool out of yourself when I’m sad, to lift me up.
You’ll send me texts that you miss me and when I go to sleep I won’t be able to close my eyes because my heart races with just one thought of you.
You’ll give me the feeling of true love starting to grow from nothing. You’ll make me happy and I’ll think to myself: “God, it’s happening again!”
We’ll be official. You’ll be proud to call me your girlfriend. We will have date night, we will watch movies cuddled up on your sofa till morning.
We’ll go out and eat in restaurants, we’ll go on a vacation together.
Then one night, after we’ve both had a bit more to drink, I’ll have the need to open up to you. I’ll tell you all about my childhood, my traumas, my heartbreaks.
I’ll talk with my eyes swollen with tears. And you’ll listen. And you’ll say you understand.
We’ll sleep together. I’ll be scared and nervous and you’ll do everything to make me comfortable. You’ll be gentle and it will be different.
I made love before but not with you. I knew his pleasures and his habits, I don’t know yours.
Then we’ll become best friends. I will have so many happy memories with you that after some time, things won’t remind me of him anymore.
Slowly, he will fade out of my memory and the only person left there will be you.
I’ll tell you everything that is on my mind. You’ll tell me everything as well and we’ll both love it. My life won’t be just mine anymore.
If I don’t know what’s happening with you, it will feel like a part of me is missing. I’ll seriously be a part of you and you’ll be a part of me.
Your love will start to feel like home.
Then I’ll wake up from the fast trip to what the future might look like with the second ring of the doorbell.
I’ll go down, I’ll say hi and all of those things will happen. Every moment I’ve imagined will happen.
You’ll slowly become my person. And I’m slowly going to realize that I found true love again.
I’m going to see how foolish I was to worry I would never find love again.
Because you showed up. You healed my broken heart.
You picked up the crushed pieces and you were patient enough to put them back together.