Do you ever feel like there’s not a person in the world that loves you? The ‘true’ you with all your goods and your bads, all your ups and your downs?
Do you ever feel scared that if you show your true self and if you uncover your vulnerable side, people would judge you negatively? That people would not get you? Do you feel like you have to go through all the mess in your head alone? You don’t? Of course, you don’t. You have me.
I patched three people—your best friend, your lover and your life advisor—in one: me. There isn’t a single thing you can’t say to me. There is no fear in you for which I might judge or pity you.
You know you can always rely on me and no matter which train you get on, I’ll be always there waiting for you at the final station. Even when you’re not sure if you’re breathing or not, you’re absolutely positive that I love you. You always know that there is at least this one person in the world that’s there for you.
Maybe, that’s the reason it’s so easy for you to leave me. Maybe that’s the reason why you leave without even thinking twice, and you always come back super confident, knowing you’ll always have me, knowing that no matter which train you hop on, I’m your certain destination.
But I don’t want to feel like your side stop, I don’t want to be a person you hold onto for a while and then when you don’t need her anymore, you let her go. I want to be your home. I need to be your first choice for once.
How can this be God’s plan for me, I don’t understand?! Nothing I ever do is ever good enough and I try, I really do. I keep giving the best of me to people, but no matter what I do, I’m never the one.
-What the hell is wrong with you?!
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me. I’m too much. Too much is what’s wrong with me. That’s the problem, isn’t it? Too much is a problem and you can’t do anything about it.
I feel too much, I see too much, I wish for too much, and I give myself too much. You can’t change it—you can’t fix me because I am not broken. I am not being a drama queen, I’m just being me. It’s who I am as a person. Everything you feel, I feel twice. Everything that tears you down, tears me as well, but just doubled. Maybe this is the reason I have a hard time leaving people.
See, I’m not leaving because I understand you. I don’t support your actions and I’d never follow your path. I’m not justifying you treating me like the fifth wheel, but in some odd way, I get it.
I get you’re scared and there are so many things to try out and that you’re afraid of flight because it’d kill you to know that if your wings got broken, you’d have nobody to save you. That’s why you’re not letting me go either.
At least, you’re not letting go of me entirely. Each time we ‘end’, I keep thinking we came to the final chapter of our page and this is it. Sometimes I don’t know whether to be sad or relieved. But then you rush back, constantly adding a comma to the places where there should have been a full stop a long time ago. And I keep letting you.
But, I can let you emotionally use me to a certain point. Once I get fed up, I’ll be the one to say goodbye. What you fail to realize is that we’re different. You have me because I care. You get to come back whenever you want only because I let you. You have me because I understand you.
The time will come when I’ll finally put myself first. The time will come when I’ll inhale all my courage and say we’re done. Once I say goodbye, it’ll be forever. Because my goodbyes are always forever.