Marriage problems are one thing but thinking to yourself: ‘My wife hates me,’ is on a whole other level. Have you ever stopped to think about what led you here?
After so many years of marriage, things don’t just fall apart on their own. Happy marriages turn sour for a multitude of reasons and I’m about to break it down for you step by step.
Your wife wants a man who’ll stick by her side no matter what. She wants a man who won’t mess with her self-esteem and keep calling her bro. There’s a certain line you just don’t cross.
I’m going to assume that you haven’t tried marriage counseling yet? If that’s the case, you need to hear this even more than you think.
I went through my own predicament with my ex-husband, which is why I can lay it down for you from experience.
If you want to make your wife feel loved again and go back to being one of those blissfully happy married couples, stick around. You’re gonna wanna hear this.
10 Ways You Lost Your Wife’s Love
1. You don’t spend enough time with her
And no, lounging around in the same room while each of you scrolls through social media and listens to podcasts doesn’t count.
I’m talking about quality time together. I’m talking about taking her out dancing until the early hours of the morning.
When was the last time you took the time to make her feel special? When was the last time you initiated a joint activity? Relationship problems stem from one or both partners not putting in the effort.
Do you know how they always say the little things mean the most? Well, they ain’t lying! It takes so little to make her happy.
Once you stop trying altogether, she starts becoming resentful and frustrated. And if you refuse to go to couples therapy when she suggests it, what is she supposed to think?
In her mind, you just don’t care anymore. And bit by bit, she grows weary of that—hence the newfound budding hatred.
2. You leave all the decision-making to her
And do you know how that makes her feel? Like she has to wear the pants in the relationship. And let me tell you, that can become draining.
She married a grown man, not an immature boy, right?
So when you refuse to participate in any important decisions, it makes her feel like she has to carry all the burden herself. She always has to be in charge, which leaves very little room for spontaneity and fun.
I know you may think to yourself: But I love her, that’s why I leave all the decisions up to her. I know she’ll make the right call.
But that’s just an excuse that lets you off the hook and burdens her more than she deserves.
Your wife is a woman first and foremost. She’s not your mother and it’s not her job to take care of you. Start acting like a man or your marriage will go down the drain.
At some point, people just become too tired of constantly having to be at the top of their game. Your wife deserves to let her hair down and for you to take care of things for a change.
3. You don’t stay true to your word
After a while, you got so used to the idea of having her there through thick and thin, that you started taking it for granted.
So what if you don’t keep your promises every now and again? So what if you disappoint her from time to time. She’s supposed to be okay with it because it’s her job, right?
I don’t think so! The moment you start thinking like that is the moment it all starts going to hell.
You have to treat her the way you did the first time you met her. You have to put in the effort to stay true to your word, even when you don’t feel like it.
Unless you do, you’re going to make her feel like she’s just not worthy of your time.
And I know that’s not what you want! If you promise to take her out, then do it. If you promise to pick her up on the rainiest of days, get off your behind and do it!
She needs to know she can count on you always! If she can’t, how do you expect her to stay?
4. You lack direction in life
You used to be full of hopes and dreams. There were so many boxes you couldn’t wait to check but somehow, none of it ended up happening.
You got married, settled down and day by day, you stopped following your dreams. You no longer have direction in life, and this makes your wife feel like she has to carry you.
Clearly, this isn’t a pleasant feeling for either of you but making your wife feel like it’s her job to fulfill you isn’t fair.
Start taking charge of your life. Start doing something other than complaining and lounging around. You’re never going to reach your goals just sitting on your behind.
Your lack of passion makes your wife resent you more and more each day. She can’t be the only one taking care of your little family. Chip in and start doing your part.
Find your calling and start being proactive. Your wife needs to know that you can be a good role model for your kids one day. And now, it doesn’t seem like that’s the case at all.
5. You stopped trying to win her over
Every human being yearns to feel loved and pursued. No matter what she tells you, trust me, she wants you to show her you care.
She wants to hear those three words as often as possible and she needs to be wooed from time to time.
Don’t forget that marriage takes work every day of the week. You can’t just stop trying the moment you say, ”I do.” That’s when your journey starts and you should never take your foot off the pedal.
Take her on romantic date nights! Buy her flowers for absolutely no reason. Leave her a little love note in her jacket. Make her feel special.
It takes so little to put a genuine smile on her face. Your lack of trying is starting to affect her badly, which is why you started feeling like your wife hates you.
If you want relationship advice, here it is: Love your wife the way you loved her in your honeymoon phase and never ever stop showing her you care.
6. You ask for a lot and give little in return
Marriage is all about reciprocity, just ask marriage counselors. If you expect something from your wife, you need to be able to provide the same for her and vice versa.
It’s about giving and taking but never one more than the other.
Do you understand what I mean? My gut tells me that you’ve been taking a lot more than you’re ready to give. Does that sound familiar? Have you been taking advantage of your wife’s kindness lately?
Have you been expecting her to move mountains for you but when she asks you to do the dishes, you can’t be bothered? I’m sure I don’t have to keep going. You get the gist.
So if you’re wondering why she started hating you, this may have been one of the reasons. You don’t give as much as you’re ready to take.
Your wife deserves all the care, attention and time she gives you. Don’t ever think otherwise. Do nice things without expecting anything in return. Give her 80% when she can’t give more than 20%.
That’s what marriage is. Balancing each other out without ever expecting to get something back.
7. You’re too flirtatious with other women
A woman needs her man to have eyes for her and only her. No, you can’t be all over other girls’ behinds and expect to get away with it. Why? Because it’s disrespectful to the woman you married.
Think about it this way. How would it make you feel if your wife kept throwing herself all over that hot bartender? How would you feel seeing her lustfully eying a random stranger?
Not too good, right? Well, that’s exactly how she feels when you stare at every hot girl when you’re out for coffee.
To you, it might be just innocent staring. But to her, it’s a sign that she’s not worthy of your attention.
How can you expect her to be okay with that? How can you expect to disrespect her in public like that and not make her feel like crap?
Focus your attention on your wife and stop making her feel invisible. Otherwise, she’s going to make herself scarce!
8. You expect her to be a stay-at-home wife
This might possibly be one of the worst things a man can expect of a woman. Let me educate you really quickly.
First, she’s a woman with needs, interests and hobbies. Her sole purpose on this earth isn’t to provide you with love, food and care. She’s going to be a good wife but she’s also going to do things that make her happy.
She’s going to go out with her best friends and have a wild night on the town. She’s going to take up a hobby she loves and dedicate a chunk of time to maintaining her mental health.
She’s going to do whatever the hell she wants, without letting anyone tell her she can’t. That includes you.
So think really hard about the way you treat her. Do you let her have her freedom or do you think we’re still in the discriminatory 1950s?
9. You don’t treat her family with respect
Your wife’s family (her mom, dad, siblings, etc.) is sacred. They are her rock and you should always keep that in mind.
I understand that in-laws can be tricky but that shouldn’t mean you stop trying. If you love your wife, you should make sure to extend that love to her family and closest friends too.
Be the bigger man and call them up first. Invite them over for lunch and make an effort to create a deeper relationship with them.
You don’t have to see them every single day but making an effort every now and again shouldn’t be too hard.
The best way to show her you love her is by ensuring a loving relationship with her loved ones. You don’t have to be as thick as thieves; just close enough so that you can sit down for a meal and have a pleasant time.
I can tell you from experience that having your spouse and your family on the outs is extremely difficult so if there’s a possibility of a better relationship with them, seize it.
10. You prioritize your friends over her
Don’t get me wrong; maintaining a close relationship with your friends is an admirable thing! Especially as you get older. It becomes so difficult to remain close to the people you cherish.
However, while it’s nice that you still put your friends first after all this time, don’t you think your wife deserves the same?
She’s your partner through life. She’s the one who listens to your worries and problems. She’s the one holding your hand as you’re struggling.
She’s the one waking up next to you each morning. So it should go without saying that she deserves to be at the very top of your list.
This doesn’t mean you should stop caring about your friends in no way, shape or form. All I’m trying to say is to make some room for your wife! She deserves your time more than anyone.
After all, you’re a grown-up. You should be able to have your priorities straight. She deserves that much.
10 Steps To Regaining Her Love
Don’t worry, there’s hope for you yet. Being here means that you’re ready to put in the effort and show your wife there’s a reason she chose you. So here’s how you’ll do it.
1. Stop bringing her down
Life is full of roadblocks and inconveniences. No matter how well it’s going for you, there will always be something to complain about.
This includes both life in general and married life. One day, you’ll be having a bad day and you’ll let your stress and anxiety get the better of you and react really poorly.
But the thing is, you always have a choice in how you let things affect you.
You can either take a deep breath, realize how insignificant this little thing is in the great scheme of things and just shrug it off. Or you can choose to react the way your instincts dictate and affect your wife’s mood as well.
Nothing can be perfect all the time. Things won’t always be exactly the way you want them to be every single day of the week.
But life is about finding ways to see a glimmer of hope in a negative situation. It’s about finding little joys amidst a turbulent situation.
Your wife deserves a man who won’t constantly bring her down. She needs a man who will lift her spirits and show her there’s always something to look forward to.
A man who won’t knock her down if things don’t always go to plan.
Can you be that man?
2. Be there to pick her up when she falls
A modern woman is all about self-confidence and power. She knows how to get what she wants and she doesn’t need a man to help her get there.
But the thing is, just because she doesn’t need a man, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want one! See the difference?
The key is to show her how proud you are of her perseverance and ability to make things happen for herself. But at the same time, you need to let her know that it’s okay to lean on you as well.
This doesn’t mean you think she can’t do it. This simply provides her with a safety blanket for when things become too challenging.
Be the wind beneath her wings and push her forward when she wants to give up. Give her a word of encouragement when she’s at the end of her strength.
Just because she’s a badass boss does not mean she doesn’t want a man by her side. Let her know you’ve got her back through good days and bad but don’t ever get in the way of pursuing her dreams.
3. Work on the bad habits that annoy her
We all have bad habits and it’s impossible to expect anyone to just snap out of it and change for another person. But what you can do is try.
If there are currently a few things your wife resents, try to change them if they’re affecting your marriage so deeply.
This could refer to your laziness, your lack of consideration or taking her for granted. Take your pick and actively work on bettering your ways.
It’s not that difficult to be the kind of man your wife believed she was marrying. Simply be the guy she fell in love with all those years ago.
You cannot keep doing (or not doing) things that you know aren’t right and wonder why your wife hates you.
She hates you because of your lack of will to be better. She hates you because you can’t be bothered to take out the trash while she has a million things on her plate.
Stop complaining and stop finding excuses for being a bad husband. Your wife wants an equal partner who won’t make her life more challenging than it already is.
I don’t think she’s asking for much, do you?
4. Be a masculine man (but don’t reduce her role in the process)
There’s been a lot of talk about female empowerment, equality and independence in the last few years. And rightfully so.
For so long, women were reduced to a lower position than men and silently faced plenty of adversity and lots of injustice due to their gender.
It’s about time we took matters into our own hands and did something about it. There’s a long way to go but things are finally starting to look up.
Having said this, hopefully you understand that I am in no way encouraging you to act as the ever-so-capable man who only needs a woman to care for him and take care of the house.
What I’m referring to is bringing out that masculine energy that makes her feel like a desirable woman. Be a man in a way where you show her how incredibly lucky you feel to be with her.
Take things into the bedroom and show her everything you want to do to her. For once, let her give up control and just please her the way she deserves it.
A woman needs to feel sexy and wanted. Just don’t cross a line in the process and you’re good to go.
5. Find unique ways to surprise her
What’s a better way to show her you’re still the man she fell for than surprising her with the things she loves most?
Show her you know her better than she thinks and try to read her mind. No, I don’t mean actually read it, just try to think of something that’ll instantly put a smile on her face. Especially on a bad day!
This could be as simple as getting her a box of chocolates that she adores, buying her the most beautiful bouquet of her favorite red roses or arranging a weekend away at her favorite resort!
This is the way to a woman’s heart. Little surprises mean so much! Allow her to see that there’s still hope for your marriage—and then some.
She just needs to spend quality time with you to bring back the spark you lost somewhere along the way. Take initiative and be that man.
Don’t give up on her. Chase her, pursue her and love her every single day of the week. Be relentless and I promise you she’ll ease up on you in no time.
6. Go to marriage counseling if your wife asks you to
If your wife is adamant that you go to couples therapy, that means that she still wants to fight for you; don’t you see that?
She clearly wants to work through your issues and make necessary adjustments to save your marriage. All you need to do is meet her halfway.
Hold her hand as you walk into that office and actually listen to what your therapist has to say. Listen, happy marriages don’t just happen and stay that way without effort on both parts.
You need to water your relationship daily in order for it to thrive.
Thinking: ‘My wife hates me,’ then just shrugging it off isn’t going to help anyone. But do you know what will? Effort, commitment and persistence.
Yes, you’ve hit a bump in the road but you can overcome it. Simply open your mind enough to see how easy it can be to make a positive change.
7. Show an abundance of emotional strength
Understand that your wife doesn’t have to stay with you if she’s not happy. We’re no longer living in times where getting a divorce is shameful. It’s no longer a taboo to move on from a marriage.
Today, a woman will do whatever she pleases without conforming to anyone’s needs so be mindful of that as you go on.
Women are deeply attracted to men with high self-esteem, a deeply-rooted sense of determination and a will to succeed, which all fall under emotional strength.
Being able to differentiate between things that deserve your attention and those that don’t is hot. Being self-confident but never too cocky is extremely desirable.
Showing ambition and pursuing your dreams regardless of the obstacles you face is beyond admirable.
Your wife needs a man who can check these boxes. A man who doesn’t get discouraged at the first sight of trouble.
Don’t explode with anger and insecurities when things don’t go your way. Be an emotionally strong man she can always depend on.
8. Suggest hobbies that you can do as a couple
You think your wife hates you, right? Do you know the easiest way to get her to love you again? Do things together! But not things that you want to do but rather something that you can enjoy as a couple.
Think about your wife’s preferences. What does she enjoy most? When you get to the bottom of that, let it inspire you to develop new, mutual goals!
If life’s circumstances have affected you in a way that means you have grown apart over time, this could be your way to reconnect.
Find new things you want to achieve together and make sure it’s something that will result in both of you feeling happy, excited and positive.
This will allow you to gain more insight into your wife’s psyche and see what it is that truly makes her heart beat.
If you genuinely care enough to salvage your marriage, you won’t take this lightly. This could be the turning point for your marriage. All you need to do is show her that you’re committed to being the man she fell for.
9. Do what she asks you to without complaining
I’m going to take a wild guess here and assume that your wife takes care of most of the household chores. Am I right?
Has it ever occurred to you that showing up for her (without her having to beg you) grants you marriage points? (Shocking, I know.)
Clear the table after you’re done with your meal. Wash the dishes before she gets to tell you to do it. Take out the trash. Pick up your clothes from the dry cleaner’s.
All of these things make her life substantially easier and you literally don’t have to do anything but just lend her a hand. Don’t complain when she asks you to do any of these things. Better yet—beat her to it!
I cannot begin to explain how much it means when a man does these little things. It really means a lot to your marriage.
As you know, a marital union doesn’t end just like that. It takes a while for things to fall apart and your inability to see this in time could result in divorce.
Don’t let it get this far and take care of your wife and your marriage and be an equal partner to her.
10. Show her love on her good days as well as the bad ones
She won’t always be so easy to love. There will be days when all she’ll want to do is curl up in bed and be by herself.
Don’t let her feel alone during her times of need. Recognize when she’s not feeling like herself and be there for her. Tell her what she needs to hear, offer to do her chores or make her a hot meal.
Be the good husband she needs you to be. Tell her that you love her when she’s being difficult to love. Be kind to her when she’s being unkind to herself.
Realize that when she’s lashing out at you, it could be a reflection of her own issues that she’s not sharing. And tell her it’s okay. We all struggle but we all deserve to be loved regardless!
The secret to a good marriage is being there for your partner even when they’re pushing you away. Loving them even when they don’t love themselves.
A marriage is about balancing each other out and being there just like you promised the day you said, ”I do.”
Put an end to thoughts like: ‘My wife hates me,’ and start acting in a way that will allow her to see you’re still the man of her dreams.
If you really care as much as you think you do, you won’t take this lightly.
Pursue her, love her and have eyes only for her. At the end of the day, all she really wants is to know that you still care.
“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day. You and me… every day.” – Nicholas Sparks