Having a partner that’s not meeting your needs and always letting you down can be frustrating.
It’s completely normal to be confused and not know in which direction to go. Being honest with yourself and your partner is always a good start. If you’re not sure what to do, don’t worry!
Therapist Jeff Guenther has once again come up with a perfect solution and posted a video with 12 questions you can ask yourself for self-reflection that will surely help you and give you some clarity! So sit down, prepare yourself to be honest, and let’s start!
1. “Has anyone ever been able to meet this need?”
Jeff started strong with this question! It can be hard to ask yourself this and give an honest, objective answer, but it will really help you clear things up.
Self-reflection is really important and powerful and it can reveal whether the problem lies within you or your partner. Of course, the easiest thing to do is blame someone else, but we have to be real with ourselves.
2. “Have you clearly told them multiple times what the need is and how they can meet it?”
You probably heard this a million times but I’m going to say it anyway – good communication is the key to successful relationships!
No one is a mind reader, so you can’t expect your partner to know what you want if you don’t make it clear. I remember when I got upset because my boyfriend wasn’t helping me enough with household chores but I never said it bothered me!
After I had an open conversation about it, things have been much better because now he knows how much his help means to me.
3. “Does your partner acknowledge that they aren’t meeting your need and do they want to meet your need?”
If you openly discuss your needs with your partner and they are fully aware of them but still don’t do anything to meet them, the problem might be in them. Ignoring your needs while knowing exactly what you want just means they don’t respect you enough.
It’s important to know if they even want to meet your needs at all or if that’s simply something they can’t or won’t do.
Either way, being honest with each other can quickly tell you all you need to know to make an important decision regarding your relationship.
4. “Do you have weekly check-ins regarding the unmet need?”
I started implementing weekly check-ins with my boyfriend and our relationship has never been stronger! It’s an extremely useful and simple way of making sure you’re on the same page all the time.
The only requirement is to create a safe space where you can clearly express your opinions and be honest with each other without getting mad or hurting each other feelings. This will lead to you both feeling heard and valued.
5. “Do they have an unmet need that you can work on meeting so there’s an equal exchange of energies?”
This is another example of a question you need to answer while being real with yourself. If you expect everything from them but don’t give anything in return, then that’s not really fair.
You have to be able to reciprocate the same energy you receive. They deserve to have their expectations met the same way you do. Building a happy and healthy relationship is a two-person job!
6. “What steps have they taken to meet your need?”
If you haven’t seen any change in their behavior since your conversation, that might be an issue. However, sometimes we can’t see small improvements someone is making because we expect and look forward to the final result we requested in the first place.
In that case, it can be good to ask them about their progress. Seeing the steps they’ve taken to meet your needs can reassure you they haven’t forgotten about you and are actively striving to make you happy.
7. “Even if it’s slow all in all, are they making forward progress towards meeting that need?”
While some things can be changed overnight, others require more time. It all depends on the nature of our expectations and needs.
This is why patience is vital in building your relationship and growing together. I remember wanting my partner to be less jealous and more confident in himself.
Sometimes I was frustrated he didn’t manage to change this immediately after our conversation. But I realized I was too harsh and he was actually putting in effort to change that even though building confidence is not so easy and requires time.
8. “Have you given them positive reinforcement as they’ve made forward progress?”
We often forget we need to appreciate everything our partners are doing for us. The same goes for meeting our needs. I think the whole narrative of “doing the bare minimum” became a bit toxic because people now think they shouldn’t appreciate the small gestures.
Positive reinforcement can be motivational and encourage them to put in even more effort. Being thankful is important and shows our partner we notice their hard work and value it. At the end of the day, they’re doing it to make us happy and satisfied so we should acknowledge it.
9. “Is it a dealbreaker if they never meet that need?”
Some expectations or needs are no-brainer and a must in a relationship. Ask yourself if you would be unhappy if nothing changed and they remained the same person they are now.
You need to have an honest conversation with yourself and decide if being in that relationship is really worth it in case they never meet that need. This can be a painful and hard decision to make but it’s important you put your well-being first.
10. “Can you get that need met outside of your relationship?”
I always loved reading books and wanted to discuss them and have deep conversations about certain topics with my partner but he’s more of a movie guy. I realized I also wouldn’t like him to pressure me into loving sports all of a sudden and talking about football with him.
I joined a book club and fulfilled this need without nagging him and causing unnecessary drama. Sometimes friends or some hobbies are all you need to get satisfaction your partner can’t provide.
You can take my example and do the same if your specific need can be met outside of a romantic relationship.
11. “Are you satisfied with all the other needs that they meet for you?”
Take a moment to think about other needs your partner is meeting for you. We often focus so much on the negatives and what we’re missing that we overlook the positive things we love about them and should appreciate more.
Maybe your partner doesn’t have what it takes to be spontaneous and plan some unexpected trip but he’s really reliable and you can always trust him with important things and that’s also important to you. We can’t let one tiny thing ruin a whole view of our relationship.
12. “Have you developed anger and resentment that needs to be processed with them regarding the unmet need?”
This can be tricky. If you’ve been nagging them about something for a long time and they still haven’t changed anything, you’ve probably built up resentment.
Swiping thoughts and emotions under a carpet can turn into a huge problem. Make sure not to ignore your frustrations and let them know how you feel. If they don’t validate your feelings and just ignore what you said, it might be time to say goodbye once and for all.
Having standards is as important as making sure you’re not too needy or unrealistic. So before making any big decisions, sit alone with your thoughts, ask yourself these questions, and then decide on your next move.