You know the feeling of unease in your stomach and the form of fear that consumes you but you choose to ignore it? Well, that is what feeds your narcissist and keeps him alive. That is what gives him the strength to keep using and abusing you.
Most empaths and deeply sensitive people feel those emotions of unease and fear—it’s their intuition telling them to get the fuck out.
But because of their extremely sensitive personality type, they choose to ignore their intuition and they get sucked into a narcissist’s web.
They keep thinking they can change their narcissist. They keep thinking if they try hard enough, if they try to understand them, they will find a solution and pull them back from the dark side.
Unfortunately, things don’t work that way. Once you get stuck in a narcissistic relationship, it’s almost impossible to get out. You get addicted to your narcissist. You feel the constant fear because he is the one who causes it.
You are scared of leaving because he makes sure you feel incompetent to leave. He makes sure you feel less worthy. He makes sure you think you are an unlovable one. He makes sure you think that the problem is you.
But when you find the courage to walk away from him, when you realize there’s no other way and that you don’t even care what is going to happen to you if you leave, he will do anything in his power to get you back.
He will put on that mask he was wearing the first time you met him. He will take care of you. He will convince you he has your back no matter what. He will even apologize for all the horrible things he has done to you. He will pretend he cares because he doesn’t want to lose you.
Sadly, he doesn’t want to lose you for the sake of you. He doesn’t want to lose you because he will lose his perfect little victim. He will lose the elixir that keeps him alive—you.
When you left him, you thought that the nightmare was over. But, no, it continued. First, there is a battle that you lead inside your mind and heart. There is the picking up of your broken pieces and trying to put them back together.
There is assuring yourself that you are worthy and that you deserve better. There is trying to bring your confidence and self-respect back. He took all of that from you. He left you empty and broken and you know that your fight for survival has just begun.
Not only that you have to deal with yourself and heal yourself, but you also have to deal with him. He will prey on you and catch you when you put your guard down. He will attack when you are at your most vulnerable. He will try to appeal to you sentimentally at your weakest moment.
You will never see him coming. He will toy with your emotions and try to reconcile with you. He will try to lure you back.
That is called hoovering.
Hoovering is a technique that emotional psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists use to suck the life out of you and to suck you back into the relationship you barely got out of by displaying desirable behavior.
So, here are some of the most common cons that narcissists say to women they want to hoover back into a relationship:
1. “I really want us to be friends”
This happens in case of infidelity, if you catch them cheating on you, or they admit it by themselves. Don’t worry, they will leave and make up thousands of reasons why the thing between the two of you didn’t work out.
They will assure you that you weren’t for each other and that you couldn’t give them the love he needed. You probably won’t feel guilty because this was their tactic all along.
After some time passes, they will come back and say that they can’t live without you, that they’ve made a huge mistake, but they’ll pause because of the things they said before about not loving you. However, they will assure you they can’t live without you and that they want to have you in their life, at least as friends.
What really happens is that they are scared of someone else coming into your life and winning over your heart which makes them look like losers, and that’s not supposed to happen.
So, they hook you with the line, “Let’s stay friends,” which is never true. You will end up being friends with benefits and in that way, he will be constantly involved in your life and you won’t be able to move on.
Or there is another scenario where they will tell everyone that they stayed friends with you because they felt sorry for you, although you go around saying he is an abusive idiot.
But, it’s not their fault, absolutely not. They are the ones who make out they are taking the high road. That is how they want to present themselves.
2. “I want to do couples therapy”
After you’ve had enough and you are on the verge of leaving him, after all the silent treatments you gave him, he will perform yet another trick from his endless sneaky collection.
He will pretend to be all sad and broken and he will admit that he needs help, that he will go to counseling.
Of course, this is just a charade to manipulate you—a carefully constructed mind game to mess with you. No, he doesn’t want to make things work, he doesn’t want to become a better person because he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with himself in the first place.
He only does this to buy some more time. He will even go to therapy with you and he will make himself look good there.
He will somehow turn you into the person to blame. He will make himself the one who was willing to stay with you despite all the problems you were causing him.
3. “I ran into her the last time we broke up”
He will make excuses when you catch him cheating on you. He will try to convince you that he met a girl when you broke up and now she won’t leave him alone.
He will tell you he tried everything and she still won’t give up. Or, he will blame you once again and say that he was with that person because you weren’t investing in him, so he felt alone and hurt.
This is only an excuse for when you catch him in infidelity. He will appear as a helpless human being who just needed someone to love him because you didn’t.
He will use these opportunities to gaslight you, to make you believe in things that are not real and to destroy your self-esteem. He wants you to doubt yourself.
His aim is to make you feel you aren’t trying enough and that you are undesirable, and that’s why he is cheating on you. He will make you believe it’s not his fault. You will question yourself. You will be bothered by the fact that she was with him and you are not. That probably means that there is something wrong with you.
You will actually believe that this narcissist is not actually like that and that you are missing out on your one true chance of happiness. This is a tactic he will use over and over. He will brainwash you as many times as it suits him.
4. “I’m an idiot for hurting you”
All kinds of narcissists love this mind game. He will turn up on your doorstep with flowers in his hands, begging you for forgiveness. He will admit he was the worst to you and that you deserve so much better.
He will assure you he will never ever let himself treat you anything less than you deserve. He will even cry if necessary.
Then you, as his compassionate partner, fall for his bullshit and no one blames you for that. He is a perfect actor. No one can fake emotions like narcissists. They lie so well that maybe they buy their own lies for a moment.
You just forget everything he has ever done to you and give him another chance because you are certain you will grow old together. You truly believe that everything that happened is behind you now. You believe that he has changed.
In reality, narcissists look at this from a totally different perspective. As soon as you demand some respect, they will try to patch things up by acting human around you for a few days, just enough for you to forget what was going on. As soon as they get you back to the right track (their track), they will turn back into their own sneaky selves.
5. “I’ve finally realized you’re the only one”
They will lie that they have had an epiphany. They will tell you that all of a sudden, while they were coming home from work, they realized that they want to spend the rest of their life with you. They have realized that you are meant to be together. In fact, they want to marry you, the sooner the better.
This is just ridiculous. It’s just one of the many tactics to force you not to see what’s actually going on. They will try everything that’s in their power to make you believe in things that are not there. They will blind you when it comes to their behavior. They will make you think that everything is your fault.
Hi everyone!! I’m Maria, but all of my friends call me Mare (meaning the sea in Italian). I was born and raised by the sea in a small town in the Mediterranean. I’m an “accidental” writer and a passionate singer. Alongside with being a mom, I spend my free time doing gigs which my friends never miss. I think that family and friends are the most valuable thing you can have in your life. That is what I see every day when I look at my son and the loving people around me. Would you like to join my little group and become my friend, too?