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The Bravest Thing I Ever Did Was Run Away From The Toxic You

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For too long I tried to convince myself that I was better off without you. For too long I tried to gather my strength to walk away, but you kept luring me back in. Your sweet words and perfectly timed gestures of love were addictive like a drug, and I was your biggest addict. I believed that it was all in my head, that you never meant any harm and that you were still the man I fell in love with. But even then, I knew you weren’t. I knew that man never existed. He was just a well-played role and I was the Academy Award for it.

For too long I was living in your hell, believing it was love. I sacrificed so much, just to make you happy. I gave up parts of me, just to make you whole. And I believed that’s what love was about. Somehow, you made me believe that love was not about always being happy. It was about sacrificing your own happiness for your significant other. But why did you never sacrifice yours for me?

So, I’m running away from your hell. I have had enough of pain and tears. Because love is not about being miserable. It’s supposed to keep me safe, it’s supposed to make me happy. It’s not about giving parts of me to complete you, it’s about us being completely and utterly in love. It’s not about being two halves, it’s about being two amazing individuals who respect and love each other.

For too long I loved you, while you didn’t love me back. I loved you with all of my heart. I loved you even when you were the one to break me. Even when you were the one who would make me cry. I still loved you, even when you would leave me all alone for the storms of life to tear me apart. Because you would always come back. You would always find a way to get me addicted once more to your words. To your body and love.

So, I’m gathering my strength to run away from you. Because I can’t keep on being broken, I’m just so afraid that I’ll never find a way to put myself back together. You scattered pieces of me all across the universe I built for us, the universe you destroyed. And I’m just so afraid that those pieces are long gone. But it’s better to be alone and incomplete, than complete with you.

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For too long I felt like the unlovable one. I was never enough. Do you have any idea how it feels to be rejected all the time? How it feels to be neglected? By someone you chose to love every single day, while they chose to destroy you? Of course you don’t. Because you had my love, while I only had your toxic words and hatred toward me. I hated my body and my silly, little mind. I hated every part of me that was displeasing to you. So, eventually, I hated all of me.

So, I’m running away from all of the hate. I’m running away from feeling like the unlovable one, because, finally, I realized that it’s not me who is unlovable. It’s you who is incapable of loving. It’s not in my head, it’s in your words.

For too long I hoped in vain. I just hoped that you’d change. Maybe if I tried a little harder, you’d see that I was still the same woman you fell in love with. If I loved a little harder, maybe you’d be the man I used to know. I cried myself to sleep, hoping that tomorrow the sun would shine. And every morning I would break once more, because it never did. And every time you would promise me you’d change, I’d hope. Every time you promised me love and the life I deserved, I’d hope. And every time I would break when I would see that all you had were words.

So, I’m done hoping. I’m done believing that you’ll change. That you’ll be the man I once knew, because that man never existed. I’m done feeling like your last resort, when I know that I deserve to be someone’s priority. And even if that someone is just me, it’s still better than being just an option for you.

For too long I refused to see the truth. To see the toxic you. I refused, because I was afraid of being alone. You made me think that I was not good enough, that I’d never find anyone like you. You made me think that I was the lucky one, because you decided to give me your love. But all you ever gave me was pain, masked in love. For too long I was blind to see me, because your words were too strong. The pain was too real. So, it’s time I leave. It’s time to be brave and face the world of loneliness and healing. But even that is still better than the world I lived in with you.

Tatiana Belikov
the authorTatiana Belikov

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