If you have ever loved a toxic person, you would know what a crazy rollercoaster of emotions that is.
It’s magical. It’s demented. It’s exhausting. It’s twisted. It’s bittersweet. One second you’re up, the next one you’re down. Your day depends on that person. Actually, your whole being depends on that person. Your health and your psyche, too.
Do you ask yourself how it is possible to love someone so much? There are some moments of clear thinking, and in those moments you know you shouldn’t be there. You shouldn’t be in his insecure arms—arms that are your sanctuary as well as your hell at the same time.
You embraced this dark kind of love. You nurture it. There is just a glimpse of hope which comes to you and goes away from you like a shady friend. You sleep and breathe with it.
There is no logic. One moment you are strongly convinced things will finally get better, and the next you know you are doomed. You begin questioning your sanity. For a moment, you feel blessed, but then you feel cursed.
Do you catch yourself thinking things will be different this time, even though you know they won’t?
When you love someone toxic, it feels like an addiction. You know you’ve become a junkie. You can’t run away from that notion which hurts you in your chest. You reach a point where you don’t care what will happen next, you just need to be next to that person.
You can’t help it even though you hate yourself because you feel like you can’t live without this person. You make up scenarios in your head every night. You imagine yourself ending it once and for all. But then, all of that fades away once you’re near him. Your determination and your courage disappear. Do you even recognize yourself anymore?
Does it seem to you that when things are good, they’re really good? And when it’s bad, it’s actually the worst?
It’s tense. I know you feel drained because I feel drained, too. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.
The time will come when you will become so fed up with these feelings. You will have to go through some kind of emotional rehab, but that’s okay. You will eventually understand you need help. Of course, you will feel intoxicated, you will go through different crises.
However, you will survive. You know your battle is just about to start. There will be a lot of casualties in this war against toxic love, but you can win, trust me.
Loving someone who is toxic can teach you so many lessons. If you learn them well, you will be stronger than ever. You will be the best version of yourself because there won’t be anyone to keep bringing you down.
Remember, you’re not weak—you’re human. No matter how fragile we may seem, there is so much strength in us. I hope you can find it deep down in your heart, and be able to finally heal your heart.