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To My ‘Almost’ Relationship: This is My Goodbye

To My ‘Almost’ Relationship: This is My Goodbye

“How do you say goodbye to someone you can’t imagine living without? I didn’t say goodbye. I didn’t say anything. I just walked away.”—Elizabeth, My Blueberry Nights (movie)

I know we were never two typical people. We’re both damaged in our own ways. We’ve met each other’s darkness. We always run away and run back to each other. This is like a never-ending cycle. There is no doubt that this type of demented relationship does no good to either of us. For God’s sake, just look at us! We’re broken, toxic, bitter, drained.

And that’s why I need to say goodbye.

It’s not because I’m a quitter. It’s not because I don’t love you.

You admired me because I never asked things other girls would ask. I thought that’s a good sign. Boy, how wrong was I.

I want to be unconditionally, truly, madly, conventionally and unconventionally, to-the-final-breath loved. To hell with me if that’s my sin. I deserved it, I know I did. I gave all of my heart to you, but you doubted it always. You never believed you could be so loved.

This love story we had was almost beautiful, almost perfect, almost possible. Almost.

You were feeding me with just enough hope to make me crave more and more.

It turns out that we’re both in some kind of ‘almost-lovers’ limbo.

So, I’m standing here in front of you, asking you to set me free. Of course, I wanted to be yours and yours only. You can’t say you didn’t want the same at times.

I swear I have to say goodbye, for the sake of both of us. I hate every single one of the million reasons we never made it. My heart still burns with desire for that one reason that could turntables. I guess that’s the curse of all of us stuck in some damn almost-fairy-tale.

I’m standing here in front of you, and I’m worn out. This agony has lasted for one sleepless night too many. But, I never forget to put my smile on. I don’t want people to see my anxiety and my fear of losing you.

Thank you for the magic moments we had. Thanks for the memories. I hope we will meet again in some other lives. I hope the word almost won’t exist there.

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