I was always that girl who had her shit together at all times.
Not much could affect me, and I always knew what to do, no matter what life threw at me.
That is probably why many of my friends would always turn to me when they were facing any difficulties or were just unhappy for some reason.
I was so used to being everybody’s rock, including YOURS, that I forgot how to be my own.
At first, I didn’t mind it that much. I guess that’s what happens when you get used to a certain way of life.
I loved that I was the one everybody turned to, and that I could help someone I love in any way. That’s what you do for people you love, right?
You’re there for them.
But not until I met You, did I realize how big a toll it was taking on me and how burdened I slowly started to feel.
It was like my world was slowly starting to crumble under my feet, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
You came into my life like a hurricane and slowly started to change me into what you needed me to be.
I didn’t realize this at first because you knew just how to do it, without me noticing. You were so smooth with your words and charmed the hell out of me, so much so that I felt like I was under your spell at times.
But that’s what every master manipulator does. I only wish I had been able to see through your disguise back then.
I thought I was in love.
You made me feel like I was on top of the world at times!
You talked about our future together, and I was on cloud nine. Never in a million years did I think it was all just your sick, selfish game, a means to an end.
But at least I learned a lot from it.
When you were sure I fell for you wholly and completely, you slowly started taking away pieces of my happiness, draining me of everything I knew and everything that I was.
I let you because you were all I wanted, and I believed you.
I believed you would never do anything to hurt me or change me. I was so sure that you loved me as much as I loved you, that I gave you my soul and asked for nothing in return.
Stupid, I know. But back then, I didn’t know any better.
From the self-assured girl who was in control of her life and emotions, I turned into a mere shadow of my former self. I felt like I needed to ask for your permission for virtually anything.
I don’t know how, but You managed to make me feel so small and insecure that my friends didn’t recognize me anymore.
I was not the girl they all knew, and I should’ve listened. But your power over me was so strong, how could I?
I never thought I would be THAT girl. The girl who would let a scheming conniver enter her life and change her so profoundly that she couldn’t look at herself in the mirror anymore. The girl who was now ashamed of what had become of her. The girl who gave her all and got nothing in return but shame and regret.
You would tell me that love requires sacrifice. Yeah, but not if I was THE ONLY ONE doing the sacrificing!
You would also tell me that it’s normal for a person to change (‘adapt’ was your exact word) when in a serious relationship. Sure, but I was the only one left completely changed!
Once I realized that I was no longer the person I was before you came into my life, I decided that I’d had ENOUGH of You. I had taken it for too long, and it was time I took back control of my life.
Once I finally realized that I had lost myself in you, and NOT in a good way, I took a long, hard look in the mirror and told myself that I deserve more.
This was NOT what I wanted, and whatever love I may have felt for you, was not worth the constant struggle and misery I felt every waking day.
I was DONE putting myself second and taking a back seat of my own life!
I mattered. My emotions mattered. My sanity MATTERED. You – not so much. Not anymore! And once I realized that, everything else was so easy.
I will never allow myself to experience such profound emptiness and loss of identity for a guy who is not worth another thought. So this is my goodbye. I am back to my old self, and You can’t do anything about it anymore.
I have found and regained my peace of mind again, and I’m never giving it back.