You refuse to admit that you are in an abusive relationship. You don’t want to accept that he screwed you and that life played a cruel game on you. That’s the thing about abusive relationships—either you won’t admit you’re in one, because it’s easier that way, or you aren’t aware that you’re being abused.
All you know is that you are unhappy and you want out but you can’t leave. You got used to being treated like crap. You’ve been treated like it from the beginning and you don’t know anything better than that.
There are moments when things don’t look so desperate, when he is in a good mood, which gives you hope for a better tomorrow. But those moments don’t last. It’s just a matter of time before he is going to lose it and unleash his anger on you.
Abusive relationships are addictive. You don’t know anything better. Maybe you’re scared to be alone, so you choose to stay with him. He gives you some kind of security despite the fact that you’re unhappy. You know that you are not alone and he is a fix that you need to take to be calm.
Abusive relationships are challenging. Actually, all relationships are challenging, only the difference between an abusive and a regular relationship is that it’s not worth fighting for an abusive relationship. You shouldn’t fight for something that makes you unhappy.
It’s not your responsibility to make it work. You’ve already done more than is in your power and things didn’t change. You have to fight for someone who deserves it. Abusers don’t deserve it and they are not going to change, no matter how hard you try.
Abusive relationships keep you living in fear. First of all, women who are being abused are scared to leave their abusers because they are being threatened and molested. They don’t have the courage to leave because their abusers make sure to erase their sense of independence, so they dread being alone.
Even if they find the courage to leave, another obstacle awaits them—healing and dealing with new situations, like meeting someone else.
You think this should be the easy part but it’s even harder than breaking free from the chains of an abusive relationship. You’ll meet someone else, someone who is worthy of your love and attention, someone who deserves it, but you won’t trust him.
You will doubt him and his behavior because you’ll always be waiting for things to go downhill. You’ll always be waiting for the perfect storm that appears out of nowhere. You’ll be waiting to be wiped out and destroyed like you were once before.
Here are the things that can happen to you when you finally meet a good guy after surviving an abusive relationship:
1. You will have time to learn to appreciate and love yourself again
You haven’t forgotten this. Maybe you hate yourself now because you let him treat you badly but it’s not your fault. You couldn’t fight it and you never stood a chance against his abusive nature. You have to learn to love yourself again. You have to regain your self-confidence if you want to move on and heal. You have to forgive yourself because it wasn’t your fault. He was just a lesson that you needed to learn, and you did.
You have to learn that you are the only person who can have any control over your life. You are the only one who knows what’s good for you. When you meet a good guy, you’ll have the space to learn to love everything about yourself, to appreciate yourself and, most importantly, to be proud of yourself. He will give you the strength to accomplish that because unlike the other one, he cares about you and wants you to rise from the ashes, feeling stronger than ever.
2. You’ll struggle with new feelings
I know it’s frightening and confusing but this new thing that happened is positive. I know you’re scared of getting hurt once again but grab him and don’t let him go. He knows what you’ve been through and he has accepted that you are broken and that you’ll need some time to heal.
Don’t be scared of these new feelings you’re experiencing or this new treatment he is giving you. It was always supposed to be like this. This is what real love is. It’s just that you haven’t seen it before and you’re scared that it’s going to hurt you. Let go and trust him because unlike the other one, this guy respects you and treats you the way you deserve.
3. You’ll be waiting for things to fall apart
You’ve lost faith in people. All you have seen up until now is pain and manipulation. You’ve been hurt so much that you’re taking precautions because you’re scared it will happen again. Even when the right guy comes along, you’ll doubt him. Even when everything is going perfectly, you’ll constantly be waiting for the moment when it all falls apart.
That’s how it happened in your abusive relationship. He was perfect in the beginning. You were living in a fairy tale until he showed his true face and released the monster hidden inside. But this time, that is not going to happen. You’ll be waiting for a disaster but it won’t come. And he knows you’re waiting for it but he keeps calm. He is patient and he will give you all the time you need before you give in to him and start trusting him.
4. You’ll overthink everything
He treats you perfectly, he gives you everything you want but that is bothering you. You can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right. You’re overanalyzing stuff and overthinking his reactions because you keep waiting for something bad to happen. You’re constantly searching for the hidden motives of his good behavior.
But the truth is, he only cares about you and nothing more. You’ll distance yourself from him and you’ll try to look at things as a third party, someone neutral, to make yourself believe that he doesn’t want to do you any wrong. If you succeed in shaking the feeling that he wants to harm you, only then will you be able to relax and trust him and his good intentions.
5. You’ll think he’s unreal
You’ll think that it’s impossible that such a man exists. You’ll think that you’re being manipulated and played for a fool once again. You’ll keep waiting for him to reveal his true face to you like the one before him did.
But he never does. He stays the same, patient and ready, to give you all the love he has. He knows that you’re hurt and you can’t trust anyone but he’ll wait for you anyway because he wants to love you and show you what true love is. Don’t ever let a man like this go.
6. You will apologize all the time
You were used to conflicts and sudden outbursts of anger. You’ve learned how to deal with them and not to crack but dealing with them only hurt you more. You apologized all the time because you thought he would stop if you did. You apologized for the things you did and didn’t do.
That is what you’re doing now too but there is no need to. He doesn’t want you to accept fault for everything. He is man enough to accept when he has done something wrong and the phrase, ‘I’m sorry,’ is not taboo in his vocabulary.
7. You’ll learn to trust him
Over time, you’ll learn to let go. You’ll realize that he only wants the best for you. You’ll understand that his love for you is unconditional and pure. Once you manage to do that, you will trust him completely. You’ll realize that love was waiting for you all along and the other guy, the abusive jerk, was only a lesson you had to learn.
You’ll open up to him and you won’t be afraid to be vulnerable around him because you’ll know he will never make you cry or make you hurt. You know he’ll hold you tight in his arms, while watching you like a hawk and making sure no one ever hurts you.
Just find the strength to believe in yourself again and the rest will follow.