I know if you had one wish right now it would be for all this pain to stop.
You would wish for it to stop right now, at this moment, because it’s becoming unbearable. And even though you keep telling yourself it’s not the end of the world, as hearts break, people leave, and things happen, you know healing won’t happen overnight—it will take time.
I know it will take a lot more time than you think because I have been there. I have been where you are now. Crying myself to sleep. Crying on public transportation on my way to work, hoping nobody will see me. Crying when I would see something that reminded me of my ex. Crying behind the smile. Crying until one day I couldn’t cry anymore.
My tears dried on their own after a while. They cleansed my soul. And you know what? After I cried enough, things became easier. I was far from healed but I was one step closer. So believe me when I say you will be too.
Every thought I had for a long time revolved around him.
I kept on checking my phone, expecting to see his text. I kept thinking he would walk in any minute now or I would see him walking past me on the street. It was almost like I wouldn’t face reality and I just kept waiting for him to come back.
But he never came. So at one point, I stopped waiting.
I know it’s probably better that he didn’t come back. We were mismatched from the start. Still, I loved him like we fit perfectly together.
We were two complete opposites who never saw eye to eye. And it was very difficult to agree on anything with him, when he was Mr. Know It All. He had it all figured out. He wanted me to live my life by his rules, as he knew what was best for me.
He was so good with his words that he could twist everything for it to benefit him. And every time we argued, I was always the one to blame and he had done nothing wrong.
I just started realizing this and many more things after he was no longer by my side.
I guess sometimes you are too close to somebody and he is blocking your view. He is preventing you from seeing reality. He is preventing you from seeing how wrong and toxic he actually is for you and that things aren’t working.
The thing is, when a relationship ends, we go back in our mind to those happy moments. To moments of pure joy. We act like those bad, exhausting and sad ones don’t exist and that’s what’s holding us back. That’s what makes us wait for someone who was never the right one for us.
By doing that, we make our healing process so much harder. We have this ideal picture of our ex in our head when in reality he is far from it. And as soon as we stop idealizing him, we go up one more step in our climb to recovery.
And with every step we make, we will start feeling a bit better. Every little step forward means that he is gradually leaving our system. It means that we are finally starting to take care of ourself for a change.
It means that we are moving on without even realizing it. It means that we are finally getting our life back.
I got my life back. I discovered who I am without him. I stopped obsessing about what might have been and accepted the things the way they are. I let the hurt in so I could heal. I made peace with the fact that he had to be someone temporary in my life. He served as a lesson I had to learn the hard way.
I failed to see everything that could be because I was looking back. I grew from my experience. It shaped me into the woman I am today. I am better and stronger than my pain and everything that used to stand in my way to happiness. I am happy now. Happy with myself, my life and with the new man in my life.
So don’t force yourself to heal. It’s a process that takes time and it happens gradually. Get up. Cry. Work. Smile. Live. Breathe. Take those little steps forward.
Until one day, you reach your destination. Until one day, you wake up and he is no longer a part of you. Until one day, you heal. Until one day, happiness is all you can see.