I’m sure you’ve heard stories about girls who change emotionally after they get hurt. About girls who become guarded and more careful.
About girls who stop believing in love and who become scared to love.
I’m sure you’ve heard stories about girls who become heartless after they have their heart broken.
Who build walls around themselves and who become shielded after someone they used to love tore them down completely.
I’m sure you’ve heard stories about girls who become unavailable for others after certain guys break them to pieces.
Well, if you have, you know everything about me because I am one of those girls.
I am one of the girls who loved the wrong man with all of my heart. A girl who gave him everything she had and a girl who thought he deserved her.
I was a girl who put the effort into a relationship which had no future and a girl who was ready to sacrifice herself for this man’s sake.
But I was also a girl who got hurt. A girl who was taken for granted and whose vulnerabilities and love were used against her.
And after I finally ended things with this man, I changed drastically. I stopped believing in people and I thought everyone’s only intention was to hurt me and to break my heart.
I started thinking that all men were the same and I wasn’t even ready to give some guy a chance because I thought I would just end up heartbroken, like I was in the past.
So I was ready to do whatever it took to stop that from happening. I put my guard up and I built thick emotional walls around my heart, which were strong enough to keep all intruders out.
And yes, I’ve become an emotionally unavailable woman. Or some might say that I’ve become emotionally damaged as well.
Yes, this way of life has probably deprived me of a lot of love.
I’ve probably missed out on meeting some extraordinary people and it is possible that I’ve failed to let in some amazing guys who deserved to have a chance.
And you might say that there is nothing good about this.
But the truth is that although I’ve become unavailable for others to love me, I’ve also guarded myself from every possible emotional pain.
I’ve also become unavailable for anyone else to hurt me. I’ve prevented my heart from getting broken again.
I’ve saved myself from any potential tears and disappointments. I’ve saved myself from wasting my time and energy on someone who isn’t worthy of me lifting a finger.
I’ve saved myself from getting my hopes up and planning a future with someone who has been manipulating me all along. From falling in love with someone who just wants to get into my pants.
I’ve saved myself from being emotionally or physically abused, from being cheated on and from being humiliated.
From being blamed for every little thing that goes wrong and from someone telling me I am not worthy of his love or attention.
I’ve saved myself from being taken advantage of, from being led on and from being taken for granted.
From wondering why a man whom I love so much can never love me enough and why he can never only be mine.
I’ve saved myself from hours and hours of staring at a blank phone screen, waiting for him to call me or to answer my text.
From falling asleep all dressed up, waiting for him to pick me up. I’ve saved myself numerous sleepless nights and from an ocean of tears.
From begging a man to choose me and to love me. From begging him to commit to me.
I’ve saved myself from questioning my worth and wondering why I was never enough. From asking myself if there was something more I could have done to make the man I love love me more.
And I don’t know if that was the best thing I could have done. I don’t know if I could have chosen another way to deal with my abandonment trauma and with my heartbreak.
But what I do know is that it was the only thing I knew how to do. And that back then, I saw this way as the only way to heal and to help myself.