A la persona suicida que quiere vivir

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve imagined I’m dead. I can’t even describe to you how many times I’ve seen my own funeral, the people around the coffin, how many times I’ve imagined what the world would look like without me in it.

I don’t know why but these thoughts seem to haunt me, yet I don’t want to die. People usually assume that if someone is thinking about death, that person wants to die and if they aren’t thinking about death, they don’t want to die.

That’s not true. What about those who are stuck in a gray zone, thinking about death? What about those like me?

I’ve been thinking about death since high school.

I’ve found myself haunted by suicidal thoughts. I can’t even say that puberty had anything to do with it because death haunts me to this day. I’ve found myself thinking about being kidnapped. I thought about what if one day I never got back home from school?

Había un puente que tenía que cruzar todos los días, volviendo a casa del colegio. Tantas veces me paré en medio de él, mirando el río frío y profundo, pensando ¿y si me caía?

¿Qué sentiría al caer, qué se me pasaría por la cabeza en el descenso? ¿Cómo me sentiría cuando mi cuerpo entrara en contacto por primera vez con el agua helada? ¿Estaría aún vivo antes de caer al río o mi corazón cedería justo al principio de la caída?

Y si siguiera vivo, ¿me arrastraría el agua a una cueva o algo así? ¿Saldría mi cuerpo a flote?

I could have tried it but I didn’t want to. Those were only thoughts and nothing else. I don’t want to die. I love my life and I want to keep living it. I don’t want my journey to end.

Me lo guardaba para mí. Nunca le conté a nadie lo que me pasaba por la cabeza tan a menudo. Sabía que si compartía lo que sentía, la gente se preocuparía e intentaría evitar que me suicidara. Pero nunca tuve intención de hacerlo.

I don’t want to think about death, it scares me. But I can’t turn off my brain. I can’t tell it what to think about.

These thoughts catch me unprepared. I never know when they are coming. It often happens when I least expect it, when everything in my life is going great, when I don’t have anything to be worried about.

Entonces, de repente, veo algo que hace que mi mente invite a pensamientos negativos a mi cabeza, a mi corazón.

Depression plays a great part in it. It pops up like an uninvited guest that you can’t get rid of. It leaves when it becomes bored, when it has nothing else to do.

Todos los malos recuerdos, todos los sentimientos reprimidos, salen flotando a la superficie, asfixiándome, sin dejarme respirar.

Me aíslo del mundo. Me encierro en mi habitación, pensando en mi propio dolor y rezando a Dios para que pare. Me siento sola, siento que no le importo a nadie, que a nadie le importa si vivo o muero. Me siento completamente impotente.

When I feel like this, I can’t stop it.

It feels like I’m swimming in an ocean and although there is no one around, I feel safe. The sun is shining and keeping my face warm, it’s like the sun is kissing me. I feel safe and happy, I’m enjoying myself.

Pero entonces, de la nada, aparece una enorme nube que tapa el sol. Empieza a hacer frío y ese océano inmenso y hermoso que me hacía sentir libre y feliz deja de ser un lugar seguro.

Now it’s like being trapped in a scary nightmare in which I’m fighting for my every breath. Big waves are drowning me and land is nowhere to be found. I’m helpless. Helpless and alone.

And this happens all the time. I drift off in my thoughts, I’m in a safe place and then the clouds appear all of a sudden. I never see it coming and I can’t chase it away.

And I never know when it’s coming again. I can only hope it doesn’t.

I know I’m not alone.

In the beginning, I thought I was. I thought that something was seriously wrong. I know that there are people like me out there. And I want to tell you that you’re not alone. You’re not crazy.

Talk to someone, anyone. Talk to someone you trust, a friend or a family member, a therapist. You have to let those thoughts out. You have to say them out loud. You have to get confirmation that you’re not different from everyone else.

There are a lot of us out there who struggle every day with trying to win this battle but they don’t talk about it. And then you think you’re the only one.

I’ve kept my thoughts to myself for years because I was too scared to be labeled as the crazy one. Who in their right mind is thinking about death but doesn’t want to die? I was so scared they were going to commit me and pronounce me unfit to live on my own.

Entonces me arriesgué y hablé con la persona en la que más confiaba. Entonces encontré apoyo y un lugar seguro al que acudir cada vez que estos pensamientos, estos sentimientos que son tan reales como los tuyos, me consumen.

Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Don’t be ashamed of what is happening to you. You’re not the only one. You’re not mad. You are just being honest with yourself. You’re accepting what you’re feeling.