Being cheated on is a heart-wrenching experience. The things cheaters say when confronted can make it even more painful.
There’s nothing worse than feeling betrayed and having your trust broken.
Especially by the ones you love the most. Once that trust is broken it’s hard – and sometimes almost impossible – to fix it.
Unfortunately, many women or men blame themself. They think they’re not good enough or they did something wrong.
Their confidence is crushed. All because of their cheating partners and their questionable morals. No one should go through this.
When you confront a cheater they usually refuse to take the blame. They even become aggressive in their tone of voice.
Sometimes they try to somehow put the blame on you.
If you have been a victim of a cheater or you suspect your partner is cheating, here are some of the common responses of cheaters when they are being called on their shameful behavior.
Responses fall into different categories based on the initial reaction.
Things they say to make you feel like you’re the one in the wrong:
1. “Nothing is going on, you’re being paranoid”
This might be the most frustrating response from a cheater.
They try to make you feel crazy and think you’re doing something wrong by confronting them with clear evidence.
They will deny everything. What’s worse, he or she will try to make you feel bad by saying you’re making things up just because you’re not confident in yourself.
So, as well as lying to you, they’re also insulting you.
They know all your soft spots and want to make you feel vulnerable so they can shift the focus onto you.
Confronting a cheater can lead to what’s called gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone – in this case a cheater – makes you doubt your own judgment, memory, and perception, often targeting a victim’s low self-esteem.
Using denial, misinformation, contradiction, and other methods of manipulating the truth, they make a victim think that what they know to be true is wrong.
Gaslighting is a serious issue that has been recognized by clinical psychologists. It’s commonly used by people who are narcissists.
2. “You don’t trust me!”
This is a form of gaslighting. Your once significant other will ironically use trust to make you feel bad about a situation, while clearly breaking your trust.
By making you an accuser, they trick you into thinking you’re the one who’s making things up. Don’t fall for it. It’s a major red flag.
Their goal is to make you feel like you’re being cruel to them and that you are wrong for bringing the topic up.
Someone who doesn’t have anything to hide will talk about things without a problem.
It’s not that uncommon for people to feel like they are being cheated on, especially if they’ve dealt with similar things before.
If your partner is willing to talk about it, it means they are confident about the truth. Trust is something that’s built throughout the relationship.
If it’s lacking in some other areas of life, it’s no surprise a person will feel like something is going on when confronted with evidence or reasonable doubt.
If they have nothing to hide, they will remain calm and assure you everything is fine and not make a scene.
3. “Where were you last night?”
The attempt to put the blame on you with counter-attacks is another manipulative form of control.
A cheating husband, wife, or any kind of partner will pretend to feel doubtful and insecure regarding your behavior.
They want to trick you into defending yourself. While you’re defending yourself they can manipulate you more easily and change the focus from them onto you.
It gives them time to make something up and avoid the situation.
Confronting a cheater can involve many messy feelings and a lot of intensity, so don’t let them make you feel crazy and fall for their lies.
Things they say to diminish the importance of what they’ve done:
4. “It’s not like we had sex or anything.”
If you caught your partner cheating by seeing his or her text messages or social media updates, they are almost sure to deny it.
They will accuse you of going through their stuff even if they have a dating app installed!
When they’re out of excuses they will try to defend themselves by denying a physical relationship. Even if they didn’t have a physical relationship that doesn’t mean they didn’t cheat.
Emotional cheating can be even worse than just having sex. It means they don’t value you and don’t think you’re enough.
Be aware of the warning signs. If they suddenly pick up their cell phone way more often and have private conversations, there’s a possibility they’re not telling you something.
Your relationship after that won’t be as it was before. Some scenarios are worse than others – for example when they cheat with their co-worker and keep going back to the same job.
It’s almost impossible to repair and regain trust.
5. “It was just a one-time thing.”
Apparently monogamy isn’t for everyone. The problem is when they act like it is.
Saying that cheating was a just one-time thing is like saying betraying your trust and making you feel worthless is just a one-time thing. The damage is done and affair recovery is inevitable.
You can’t expect to cheat and move on as if nothing happened. If there has been a first time, there will be a second time too.
6. “It didn’t mean anything.”
Of course it means something. It means they’re not capable of having a normal relationship and respecting their partner.
By decreasing the importance of a one-night stand in a committed relationship they’re decreasing the importance of the relationship itself.
By saying it didn’t mean anything they can’t minimize the pain. A person cheats knowing how it’s going to affect their partner, they just don’t count on being busted.
7. “It’s not what it looks like.”
The attempt to rationalize and explain their behavior is one of the ways they try to mask their cheating as something that’s not a big deal.
It’s cheating. There’s no justifying that.
8. “It was just sex.”
What does that even mean? If sex isn’t that important, why did they have it with someone else in the first place?
To claim that sex is just sex means that an emotional connection is more important.
That doesn’t make sense because cheating is, in fact, an emotional betrayal.
It’s one of the worst things you can do to a person you’re supposedly emotionally connected to.
This response is a way of minimizing the partner’s pain by diminishing the importance of sex.
Clearly, sex is important because otherwise, they wouldn’t have cheated.
It’s known that most people cheat after making an emotional connection with the third person.
It wasn’t just sex. It was betrayal and disrespect.
Things they say to put the blame on you or something or someone else:
9. “I’m not happy anymore.”
Sometimes when confronting a cheater, they actually admit how they feel about the relationship and that probably means they’re unhappy in it.
That includes admitting their true feelings about you.
Hearing something like that is very painful. However, maybe it would be less painful if they had been honest about it before cheating.
If they wanted to break up, they should’ve!
Leading the person on is a sign of cowardice. They can’t be honest with themselves so they’re not honest with you either.
The basis for any relationship should be trust and honesty. With many people it seems, that’s not the case.
In a long-term relationship, it can be especially hard to admit when things are not working out.
You don’t need a relationship expert to tell you that things are off when they’re so obviously off.
That still doesn’t excuse the act of cheating, not at all. Everyone deserves to be respected at all times.
Saying you’re not happy isn’t going to solve anything.
10. “I did it because we didn’t have enough sex.”
One of the common things cheaters bring up (mostly males) is the lack of sex.
But instead of trying to communicate the problem in a relationship, they decide that the best way of dealing with the problem is finding satisfaction elsewhere.
That’s not a valid excuse for cheating. Yes, people have needs, there’s no arguing about that. However, there are things to be done before doing the worst thing you can do.
Why not talk to your partner? What about addressing the issue and trying to do something about it? Admitting the problem?
Going straight for the most hurtful thing that can be done is definitely not the way to deal with it.
11. “She/he came to me!”
Things cheater say when confronted are sometimes plain stupid. Who cares who made the first move? How does that justify things?
They might admit cheating but still insist on saying they’re innocent because another person was the one who started it.
What a poor excuse! Trying to blame someone else for your own fault is downright evil.
Everybody knows that it takes two people to cheat. One of them doesn’t even have to know about it.
Things they say when they want you back after cheating:
12. “That was a long time ago, things are different now.”
The fact it happened a long time ago and you’ve just found out about it now, doesn’t change this. In fact, it might make it even worse.
Thinking about all the memories that happened in the period he or she was cheating can make a person sick.
The feeling of being clueless is almost unbearable. Especially because it means that your partner let you live the lie.
13. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
If they didn’t want to hurt you, they shouldn’t have done it. As simple as that.
Every cheater knows they’re doing something wrong. That’s why saying this doesn’t make sense. It’s just a weak attempt to ask for forgiveness.
Committing adultery is a choice. A choice that comes with consequences. It affects the feelings of another person and the life they live together.
By choosing to do it, despite knowing the consequences, it means they’re choosing to intentionally hurt another person. There’s no third option.
14. “It won’t happen again.”
Even if you choose not to leave your partner, it’s hard to believe cheating won’t happen again. It’s hard to regain trust once after it’s been broken.
Cheating is not something to be swept under the rug. It makes the person re-examine everything they know about the partner and themselves.
Their self-esteem drops and it’s hard to make things go back to the way they were.
When you’ve seen your future with the person who’s cheating on you, it’s hard to confront them about cheating.
Sometimes the initial reaction is to forget everything and go back to normal. For some people it’s to unleash their anger and get some kind of revenge on their partner.
Things also depend on the partner who cheated. Sometimes they want to get back to their old relationship.
Sometimes they want to move on and stay with the person they’re cheating with.
In case your partner is asking for forgiveness, it’s up to you.
A lot of people would agree that once a partner has been unfaithful it’s impossible to move on and pretend that nothing happened.
It affects the relationship tremendously. The resentment can make it impossible to work out.
Not every situation is the same. The things that cheaters say when confronted are different in different cases.
Some cheaters are genuinely sorry for what they have done. Chances are that they will admit infidelity right away and ask for forgiveness.
There’s a difference between admitting adultery and being caught out. However, what they’ve done is completely self-inflicted.
People make mistakes for various reasons. That doesn’t mean we can justify them. As adults, they’re always responsible for their actions.
If a partner acts selfishly when confronted, it’s obvious they’re not feeling any kind of remorse.
That’s when they start committing other types of emotional abuse in addition to cheating.
Despite everything that’s been said, some relationships survive after cheating.
After all, it’s your decision whether you decide to forgive them and no one else is entitled to give their opinion. Do as you wish but keep in mind all that has been said and done.
If you’re interested in saving your relationship or marriage here are some things you can do:
First, you must decide if you are capable of giving them another chance. Giving them a chance means re-establishing trust.
When a person cheats it shows they’re maybe not capable of having a healthy relationship at all.
You need to decide if you think it’s possible for them to really change.
Everybody can make a mistake, but it’s the nature of the mistake and their behavior that shows how fatal that mistake is.
If you have the strength to forgive your partner and make amends, maybe it’s worth trying.
Another thing that you can do is to try to truly understand the reasons your partner cheated.
At first, it may seem like they cheated because you weren’t enough for them, but the truth can be very different.
It is possible they cheated to prove to themself that they’re worthy.
No matter how contradictory it may sound, cheating doesn’t have to be about sex only. Sometimes it’s a reaction to dealing with their own lack of worth.
One of the things you can do is to ask your partner to promise they will never cheat again.
Ask them to stop contacting the third person and commit to bettering your relationship.
If the third person is someone who they see daily due to their job – ask them to change their job.
Aside from that, make it a requirement that they attend relationship counseling sessions with you.
Be clear about how you feel and set boundaries. Communicate your conditions and if they agree with them, that’s when you can move onto the next step.
Keep talking about the issue even if it’s painful but respect your limits. It’s important to let go of resentment as much as possible.
Talk about what the consequences will be if something similar happens again.
Boldly state your stance. If anything similar happens tell them you will leave them, break up, or file for divorce.
Lastly and most importantly, know when to end things once and for all. If your partner doesn’t change despite promises, leave him or her.
There’s nothing you can do but move on. There’s no point in making your life miserable over somebody else’s problem.
No matter how much you love them, they don’t love you enough. For the relationship to work out two people are needed.
Breakups are painful experiences, but sometimes they’re a chance for something new.
There’s only so much we can do if someone doesn’t want to change.
Instead of waiting for your partner, show yourself respect, give yourself some much-needed change, and walk away.