No matter what someone does to you, everyone advises you to be the bigger person and to forgive.
People put you through hell, which you have to find a way out of alone, and then everyone expects you to just get over it, as if nothing has happened.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not talking about giving second chances or letting the people who hurt you back into your life.
I’m talking about the kind act of forgiveness.
Well, when you’re the victim of abuse, cheating, backstabbing, or manipulation, or when the person you trusted the most broke your heart or abandoned you, this is much easier said than done.
In fact, in this case, forgiveness looks like mission impossible. It’s not that you’re unaware of its perks.
It’s not that you are deliberately refusing to forget everything that you’ve been through or that you are actively seeking revenge against those who broke your heart and hurt you.
You know everything that should be done. After all, you’ve heard it a million times.
You should forgive the ones who’ve done you harm because it’s the only way towards your personal liberation.
It’s the only way to free yourself from the chains these evil people put on you.
Everyone keeps telling you that it is the only way to live in peace with yourself.
That the ability to forgive is the attribute the strongest among us have.
They even advise you to accept the apologies you never got.
That forgiving is the only way to truly let go of the past and move on with your life.
People will tell you that you don’t stand a chance against your demons if you hold onto anger.
That you can’t expect to heal and retake control over your life if you hold on to grudges from the past.
All of this is true, there is no doubt about that.
Forgiveness is something you should definitely strive for, despite the magnitude of someone’s misdeeds towards you.
However, what happens when you simply can’t forgive, as much as you try?
What if you don’t have the strength to forgive those who have done you harm, despite all of your efforts?
Well, in that case: just don’t.
Yes, you heard me right: don’t forgive someone unless you feel the need to do so deep inside of you.
Don’t do it because it’s the right thing to do, because others expect you to, or because you want to prove that you are a nicer person than those who ask for your forgiveness.
This is nothing but a sign that you’re still not ready for this merciful act.
It means that you still need time to process and accept everything you’ve been through.
Most importantly – it means that you still haven’t understood your abusers.
You can’t find a reason for their toxic behavior, nor do you have an explanation for it.
And that is perfectly okay. It doesn’t make you weak and it definitely doesn’t make you a bad person.
Remember: you’re the victim here and you’re allowed to feel whatever you might be feeling.
Yes, the emotional baggage you carry around probably makes your life more difficult.
However, you can’t forcefully get rid of it if you still feel it’s tied on your chest.
So please, don’t feel guilty for your inability to forgive. Don’t judge your pain and let time do its magic.
Don’t forget that we all heal at a different pace.
Therefore, just because it’s taking you longer to reach your goal, it doesn’t mean that you won’t get there.
Nevertheless, I want you to know that this is not permanent.
In fact, I promise you one thing: the moment you have enough strength to forgive whoever broke your heart will come when you’re completely ready for it.
No, you don’t have to give your abuser a taste of their own medicine for this moment to come.
You don’t have to seek revenge, nor do you have to enjoy their suffering in order to feel like you got even.
You’ll just wake up one morning and there will be no more bitterness and no more anger.
Just like that, you’ll see that you successfully let go of every negative emotion you had and that is when you’ll be completely cured.