I wanted a simple man. I was done with cheaters, the ones who think ‘they can have every girl on this planet’, with the shy guys who don’t know how to speak to me and the ones who play off and on.
I wanted someone who I could tell how my day went and what happened at my job.
I wanted someone to hold my hand when something unimaginable happened and tell me that it was going to be OK.
In return, I wanted to give him all the love that I carried inside and I still do so gently with myself.
I wanted him in my life to get close and create a connection but then I would be afraid of him leaving me all by myself.
I was so afraid that I didn’t realize how easy it would be for him to actually leave.
I thought I had found the one but I didn’t realize that an uncomplicated man doesn’t exist. Or I just didn’t want to see the real him.
We both know that understanding and support are sometimes hard to find in people. But what drove me crazy was to think that people like him didn’t even want to try.
He was up for the easiest option, which was leaving, and him leaving shattered my soul into crumbs.
You see, my past hasn’t been so easy on me. I created all these walls around me because what I wanted the most was actually what could hurt me the most.
I decided to put aside my doubts, I welcomed him into my life and opened my heart and mind to fall in love but, somehow, my fear would stop me.
Dear God, the fear I felt was almost like a sign from You telling me to be careful.
It was You who reminded me how to protect myself.
I am sorry now I used to beg you for something impossible but I wanted him to be the one for me. I wanted it so badly that I did the impossible to make us work.
I am sorry I did that. I know better now.
If he was not the right man for me, I shouldn’t have wasted my prayers on him.
He will never change. He will never be the man that I need.
I know that your plans are bigger than my wishes. I know that you have something better in store for me.
Something much, much better than I ever imagined.
I admit that in my past, he and other people from it broke me multiple times but I know that I don’t have to stay broken.
I know I will patch myself up as long as I have You by my side.
I will walk boldly forward. I will love again because being afraid of love is not something You want from me.
Pain and fear are only temporary feelings; they don’t last as long as love does.
It was hard saying, “Goodbye,” to the one I cared for but it would be even harder to pass on the feeling of going home and knowing that someone’s waiting for me… that special someone who cares for me.
I know he’ll be waiting for me one day when You decide the timing is right, when I am with the one who is meant for me.
He wasn’t the one and You knew that long before I did. Thank you for saving me from my wishes. Thank you for saving me for someone better.
I know that there is a lot to learn in this life, so I’m going to start by loving myself.
It’s funny but when I think about myself, the amount of love that I owe myself is big enough to make the pain go away.
It makes everything and everyone that I’ve wanted so small. They’re so small that they make loving myself turn into healing and forgiving.
And I hope I’m going to learn how to give forgiveness to myself so easily and jauntily as I gave to men in my past.
I look forward to finding the happiness inside of me. Finally, it can come out, alive and screaming all the laughs that I have been hiding.
It makes me smile that loneliness used to scare me and now I shut the door so loud, so everyone can know that I’m having ME time.
Behind a closed door and in this loneliness, I find understanding and accept myself as the woman I’ve become after all my crushed wishes, wrecked relationships and men who saw leaving me as the best option.
It makes me bigger than any lie he ever told me.
Accepting that I’m enough and that I don’t have to want ‘an uncomplicated guy’ makes me need the best version of myself.
It reminds me that all I want can easily change or leave but everything I need stays with me.
No matter how many times I question my faith and no matter how many ‘what ifs’ or mistakes I make, I know everything comes down to this—needing all the beautiful feelings that You taught me to feel…
Love, forgiveness, happiness, understanding and accepting myself is what it’s all about.
You, God, know my past and the reason behind every battle that I lose and win.
And this time, I will win.