It is the beginning of the new year. The new year comes with many New Year’s resolutions.
For those single women, the resolutions often include finding a partner. A resolution is a great place to start but unless you are willing to do something different this year, your relationship patterns will not change.
As women, we often put much of the blame for our relationship failures on our male counterparts. As a matchmaker and dating coach, I have learned that our patterned relationship dysfunctions begin with us.
If you find yourself not getting what you want out of men, try these steps:
Don’t be the communication lead
This isn’t the Dark Ages. Their messages to you did not go missing. This is also not Harry Potter; the owls didn’t lose their letters to you.
This is 2020, so if you don’t hear from them, they don’t want to talk to you.
If the man in question does have your number, he knows where to find you. You should never be the text or call initiator.
The initiation of every conversation speaks volumes about who is most interested. Don’t be more interested in someone than they are interested in you.
You should be the person being pursued. I don’t agree with many of the damsel in distress values promoted by the classic Disney movies but Cinderella got the art of pursuit down to a T. You should be treated like the prince treated Cinderella.
The prince went above and beyond to find the rightful owner of the glass slipper. He wanted her and he put in the effort.
A little distance goes a long way. If you’re reading this and you have fallen prey to being the communication lead, there is still hope.
You can quickly change the dynamic by discontinuing initiating conversation. If he does not initiate then there will be no more communication.
If you find yourself answering his text right away when he leaves you waiting for a reply, stop.
Don’t save your valuable time
As you know, there are only 24 hours in a day. No, that’s not a lot of hours. It’s true, it is nearly impossible to get anything done. All true facts.
If someone made you a priority, you would fit into their 24 hours somehow.
If you did not, please note that this was a conscious choice on their part. Oftentimes, the words that are not said are of more significance than the words that are. If a man is interested, he will find time to see you, call you and let you know that you are important to him.
He won’t need you to make all of the plans. He won’t need you to figure out how he might be able to ‘squeeze’ you into his hectic schedule.
When a man values you, it won’t be mistaken. You won’t need your girlfriends to validate what his intentions are.
When you value your time, you won’t need to ask him when he is next available. He will ask you out with enough notice to make it clear that you are not his ‘backup’ plan.
In the event that you get a last-minute text and you find yourself accepting, you have initiated your chase.
As single women, we often waste our free time around being available for dates and socializing. One of the best things single women can do to protect their valuable time is plan their weeks in advance and stick to a schedule. Your life and plans come first because you value yourself.
Stop diminishing your self-worth
We all deserve to have people in our lives who want us there. They make the effort to be there for us. It’s reciprocated with our efforts to be there for them.
Remember in middle school civics, when you learned about checks and balances in the federal government?
In an ideal relationship, each person has a job in the relationship and does only their job. The effect of each person doing only their job is that it creates space for the other party to do theirs.
There is an equal amount of effort and no one oversteps, thus the relationship is balanced.
Proper balanced relationships are exciting. They leave us feeling good about ourselves because the other person’s effort shows they value us.
When you make the mistake of doing everything in the relationship, you damage your self-confidence and temporarily chip away at your self-worth.
These diminishments occur because you begin wondering why you weren’t good enough. If you find yourself already questioning this, there is something you can do today to change it. Start listing three amazing qualities about yourself every day.
I always advise my clients to do this in the mirror each morning. It sounds silly but it feels so good and validates your worth by the most important person in your life—you!
Don’t miss out on the right people
When your tunnel vision is on those you have to chase, you can’t focus on the people waiting to value you. If those people are already present in your life, you can’t see them because you’re not giving them a chance to be seen.
If the people who value you are not in your life yet, you won’t be able to receive them because your heart and eyes will be elsewhere.
As of October 29, 2019, there were 7.7 billion people on the planet. Wow. That number is astonishing for your sense of value.
If there are that many people on the planet, there is at least one person who will be thrilled with what you have to offer. The likelihood that there will be more than one person who will value you is of an astronomical likelihood.
So, stop chasing him and see what happens. Start making a note of the people in your life who value you. Don’t hesitate to diversify your focus.
If you have done a self-assessment and can honestly say you’re fixated on one person, look at your other options. Some of you are thinking that a certain someone in your life will change. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.
Unfortunately, you have no control over anyone else but life is too short to be lived with rose-colored glasses when viewing your relationships. There is someone who will very clearly accept, appreciate and adore you but you’ll have to readjust your focus.
Hey girl, I’m no Ryan Gosling but you are worth the chase, the pursuit and the adoration of love. Put an end to your chasing days and realize your worth.