I remember the first time we met. I didn’t like you so much. I thought you were weird because you were quiet. I didn’t like people who were quiet because I didn’t trust them. I thought to myself: “ Why the hell do you need to be so mysterious?”
Maybe I should have listened to my first instinct. Maybe I should have gone with my first impression. But, I didn’t after all. We were forced to spend time together and somehow, along with the way, I have started to like you.
I noticed that we had similar tastes in stuff. I don’t know why, but that mysteriousness of yours was drawing me closer to you. Maybe I couldn’t resist scratching underneath your harsh and icy surface. To me, you were a challenge and I don’t run away from challenges—I never did.
After some time passed by, we started seeing each other on regular basis. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy it. Heck, no one forced me to be with you. But there is one thing that I didn’t know then, but I realize now—I had my ticket out. I was free to go anytime I liked. Every time we had a fight, I could have turned the other way and gone home. Things are different now.
I suppose you were toxic even then, but I didn’t notice it—maybe I’m that selfish. I remember the time when you pissed me off so hard that I even left you. But, that didn’t last for long. Some kind of a weird force was drawing me back to you.
Sometimes, I have a feeling that God is playing jokes on me—He’s testing me. He gave me a dose of good and a dose of bad. And then, he is mixing it all up, leaving me confused. I think that no one can explain that—and neither can I. I can only try.
It’s not that you didn’t love me or that you don’t love me—it’s just that you have no idea how to love me. That is the biggest problem. That is the reason why I’m with you even today because I have faith you will learn how to.
It’s easy to leave someone who is causing you pain—someone who is doing it on purpose. You are not like that. I think that you have no idea that you’re toxic. This is yet another reason why I can’t leave you because I think I can force the toxicity out of you. The problem is, I have no idea how much those bad things are affecting me.
Now that we are together and that we live together, there is no more running away from our problems. Now it’s time to play for the Big Leagues. Now, I have nowhere to go. I am forced to listen to your s**t and you are forced to listen to mine. We have to manage somehow or we are done and after we reach that point, there is no turning back.
After being surrounded with your toxicity (which you are totally unaware of), I seriously think that I have become toxic as well. Maybe my love for you made me toxic—I don’t know anymore. I’ve lost my ability to see what is wrong and what is right. The only thing I know is that I still love you.
Each time we have an argument, I promise myself I won’t let this happen ever again. But then, somehow, we kiss and make up, and we start the vicious circle all over again—only because I can’t help myself from loving you. It’s like I’m hooked on you. It’s like I need a dose of you every day. It’s like you are my drug and visa-versa. Is it possible that we love each other that much that we are causing each other pain? I believe it is.
I’m not pitying myself. I just can’t comprehend why am I doing this to myself. Is it out of fear? Am I too much of a coward to admit I have made a mistake with you? Or is it that I just like living this hot ‘n’cold life? Are you having the same doubts as I am?
I want you to know that I really don’t blame you because we are in this together. We made all the choices together. All that is left is for us to fight to make it. Also, I want you to know that I understand you are what you are and I should have known that from the start.
I also admit that I am not an easy person to live with. I have my quirks and I have my crazy outbursts. But, don’t we all? You need to learn how to handle me and I need to learn how to handle you and we won’t be toxic. We need to learn how to compromise—and that is a never-ending battle, but I believe we will come out as winners.
Please, I’m begging you, if you ever read this, find yourself in my words and most importantly, find me. Find your strength to fight your toxic side because I know there is a lot of good hiding deep inside of you. I know it because I’ve seen it. Spare me from leading this toxic life—spare yourself from being toxic. You’re better than that.
Then, my love for you won’t go to waste; then we can finally be happy as I know we deserve to be.