For the life of me, I don’t know why my every love story ended as a huge disappointment.
I’m beginning to think that somebody cursed me and sent all the assholes my way.
I had no other reasonable explanation.
I did my fair share of soul searching, maybe I even exaggerated with overthinking and self-criticism.
I couldn’t help but think that I am the one sabotaging my chances for love.
I placed all the blame for my love wrecks on me—which wasn’t that hard as I am used to men who loved playing the victims and everything was always my fault anyway, so it was only normal for me to think that.
It took a lot of time and effort to restore my confidence and gain enough strength to shake that bad feeling off, and even though I might not be perfect, I know now that I am worthy of love.
I just needed to realize that there is nothing wrong with me.
The dating world is simply full of toxic men, and good ones are so rare that they hardly ever cross my path.
I want to believe in love but I don’t know how. Repeating the same old story is making me question if I’m ever going to find love.
Everything was going great. We texted each other every day.
We saw each other often. He was so into me, and he made an effort to be a part of my life until at one point, he didn’t want that anymore.
This short scenario seems like the story of my life.
Every time I get my hopes up and start to believe that I’m with somebody I can build a relationship with, everything comes tumbling down in a matter of seconds.
All the efforts turn into torture. All the texts are left on the read receipts or arrive too late.
My smile turns into tears. I am more and more broken every time, and it’s hard for me to lift myself up.
It’s hard to believe that my happily ever after is somewhere out there for me and to have a positive mindset about relationships when every new great beginning is just the calm before the storm.
I have become so guarded that every time I start something new, I expect it to end, and I can’t help but feel that way.
I am doing my best to keep an open mind, an open heart, and stay positive, but sometimes it seems impossible.
When you get played so many times when you try your best—and when you don’t succeed—you end up discouraged and full of fears.
I am drained and exhausted from all of it, and I’m beginning to wonder: “Where the hell is my Prince Charming, and what’s taking him so long to get to me?;
Why can’t I skip this mess and go straight to the part where I am in a loving, healthy and committed relationship?”…
I don’t have the answers to that. Yet still, I have some insane and ungrounded hope that everything will turn out for the best.
That after this hell there will be some blessings, pure happiness after disappointments, and indescribable love after the worst of heartbreaks.
I believe all my asshole exes were there to teach me lessons about love and life.
Their sole purpose was to prepare me for the real deal…for the man I am supposed to spend my forever with.
I have to admit I learned a lot., I was shattered and restored. I grew, I evolved, and I am slowly becoming the person I was always supposed to be.
I am at the stage in my life where I am falling in love with myself and living my life on my own terms.
I am at that stage in my life where I am tired but still walking in spite of everything.
I am at that stage where I would rather wait for someone genuine than waste a day on someone not worthy of my love.