The alarm clock has just rung, telling me it is time to get up. I am opening my eyes and starting my fight again.
One more day where I will feel like a walking dead. One day more where I will wish I was dead. My arms are so heavy and I can’t lift them.
My legs look like they are shackled with the toughest iron, not letting me to move.
I am sitting in front of my wardrobe and thinking what to wear today. Then I realize that I don’t give a damn what I will look like and take the first tracksuit from my closet.
I have zero energy to apply any makeup.
My hair is up because I don’t feel like combing it this morning. While I am doing all those robotic things one at the time, I am thinking about the old me.
I am thinking that this day will be a depressed one but I am too tired to change.
You know, I tried so much to get just a little bit of positive energy out of myself. I tried with all my being to have a normal day.
But no matter how much I try, I end up depressed at the end of the day. I feel like I did nothing to save myself. And that feeling is eating me alive.
I understand that this day won’t be any different from yesterday. And tomorrow won’t be any better, I know. I will get up tired again, even if I have slept for 8 hours.
Once again, I will have to make myself put on my clothes and have some breakfast.
The thing is that no matter how much I try I can’t bring back the old me. I miss the girl who was cheerful and fun to talk to. I miss hours spent in front of the mirror picking out the best outfit to wear.
And I miss coordinating it with my lipstick and my nail polish colors. I miss new people in my life. I miss the nights out and small chats with strangers. I miss my life—I miss the old me.
But I know that I can’t bring my old life back because depression made this out of me. Depression has come into my life and taken control over me. I have no power to fight back. I am powerless and I give up. Every single day—the same story.
I wake up and when I think what my day is going to look like, I wish I hadn’t woken up. I wish I had died in my sleep. I would be saved from all this suffering. I wouldn’t feel these cramps in my stomach every morning.
I wouldn’t have to go out. I wouldn’t have to talk to people. Because I would be dead. And when you die, nothing is important anymore.
I crave so much to be saved. I tried to find ways to help myself. But each and every one of them let me down. I failed in every attempt to be the old me again.
And I must admit that I am tired of this battle. This cycle repeats itself again and again. Even if I pretend that I am okay in front of others and while I am making their days, I am falling apart inside of me. I just want to scream and ask God why he is doing this to me.
Is this something that is supposed to teach me a lesson?
Why is this happening to me? Why I can’t have a normal life?
Why I can’t enjoy my life with my family and friends?
I am so angry but the anger becomes depression again. My voice becomes small again and I am staring at blank space.
I catch myself silent, thinking about the old days. There are so many nice memories in my life. And I want to live them again. I just wish I can find a way to do that.
I think I hit the point in my life where I am just done. I cried, I fought, and I tried. But all that is in vain now. My demons are screaming louder, trying to eat away the rest of me. And this time, I am not going to fight back.
I will just go with the flow. Letting them destroy me. When they do that, they won’t be able to do me harm anymore. When that happens, maybe I will feel liberated.
Maybe that is my salvation. Maybe I need to hit rock bottom to bring the old me back. If that ever happens, I will be so happy. I will feel alive again.
That day will be the most special one in my life. The day I choose myself over anything bad that happens to me will be the day I will be born again.
Totally free from all that I am going through right now and ready to start a new chapter of my life!