Come confortare qualcuno: 18 modi utili
Finding the right words to console someone is always hard. It really doesn’t matter what’s going on with your loved one – the bottom line is that they’re in emotional pain.
Cosa fare esattamente? Dovreste dare spazio? Dovreste spingerli a parlare dei loro sentimenti?
Come consolare qualcuno? E se si dicesse il cosa sbagliata e spezzargli ancora di più il cuore? E se li lasciate stare e date loro l'impressione di non essere stati presenti per loro?
What if you do too much? What if you don’t do enough?
The questions are endless, but the good news is that you’ll find all the answers you need right here.
Come confortare qualcuno in 11 modi
Ecco una guida passo passo per confortare una persona cara:
1. Rompere il ghiaccio
Prima di tutto, dovete imparare a iniziare la conversazione in modo corretto. Naturalmente, tutto dipende dall'interlocutore.
Some people will come to you directly and ask for your help. They will tell you that they’re having a hard time and ask you to hear them out or give them a hand.
Tuttavia, questo è piuttosto raro. La maggior parte delle persone che hanno un disperato bisogno di aiuto non lo chiedono mai apertamente.
È proprio per questo che dovete essere voi a rompere il ghiaccio.
Si può iniziare con qualche chiacchiera. Questo è il modo più efficace per aiutare l'altra persona a rilassarsi un po'.
After that, when you see that things are going well, it’s safe to start tackling the most important topic. Just start by telling them that you know what happened (whatever this applies to – to a breakup or to perdere una persona cara) and that you were wondering how they’ve been.
Also, if you see that you’re having a hard time breaking the ice, you can literally announce your follow-up conversation. Just tell them that you want to talk to them and ask them if that would be okay.
2. Lasciarli parlare
When you’re dealing with someone who’s grieving, you have to find out how this person feels. That’s exactly why you must let them talk.
I know you probably have a lot to say regarding the topic, but please, don’t interrupt them. This is especially true for people who have a habit of repressing their emotions.
I’ll be honest with you: you’ll have a tempo difficile getting them to open up. They’re probably scared to even start getting everything off their chest.
Quindi, se riuscite a farli parlare, lasciateli fare. Non è necessario che siate d'accordo o meno con loro.
I hate to break it to you, but you’re not here to give them your opinion unless they ask for advice.
Cosa fare se iniziano a piangere e a singhiozzare? La cosa peggiore da fare è dare di matto.
Don’t tell them to calm down and to stop crying, either. I know you mean well but trust me – it’s better to let them cry their heart out if that’s how they feel. It will make them feel better afterward, and they’ll appreciate your presence.
Come fare:
But how do you let someone who doesn’t want to open up talk? Well, the trick is to ask them open-ended questions.
Ad esempio, se si chiede loro: Come si sente?, e dicono solo Fine, don’t leave it at that. Instead, say something like, Può essere più specifico?, o Ho visto quel post sul tuo social media l'altro giorno. Come ti sei sentito quando l'hai pubblicato?
Potete anche inventare una situazione immaginaria. Dite loro che il vostro migliore amico sta vivendo una situazione simile e che state cercando un modo per aiutarlo.
3. Don’t make it about yourself
You know what’s worst about people trying to comfort others? Making everything about them and their own experiences!
Don’t get me wrong – I know you’re not doing it on purpose. In fact, I have to admit that once upon a time, I was that person as well.
Il mio migliore amico o un familiare mi diceva che stava attraversando un momento difficile. E io cosa facevo? Gli dicevo che avevo attraversato un periodo altrettanto difficile.
Let’s get one thing straight: I wasn’t doing it to steal the spotlight. I wasn’t doing it to invalidate their feelings.
Al contrario, pensavo di aiutarli.
Did you break up with your partner? I’ve been there, and Sono sopravvissuto, and so will you. I was doing it to let them know that they weren’t alone.
But now I’m aware that it’s the wrong approach.
Perché è sbagliato?
Well, first of all, you’re the one comforting them. This might sound harsh, but they don’t give a damn about how you felt years ago.
Besides, they won’t understand why you’re doing it. They’ll think that you’re a selfish, self-centered person who can’t spend a minute talking about someone else’s feelings.
4. Convalidare i loro sentimenti
This is something you have to keep in mind when you’re figuring out how to comfort someone: we are all different. This means that we deal with different situations in different ways. And, of course, we show different emotions while doing so.
Why am I telling you this? Well, maybe your friend is going through something that wouldn’t be such a big deal for you.
They got fired from a lousy job or ended a toxic relationship that wasn’t enough for them anyway. I mean, you and I both know that it’s not the end of the world.
Perché è sbagliato?
But hey, you won’t tell them that there are children in Africa starving right now. Yes, that fact is true.
And according to major tragedies, their problem really isn’t that serious. However, their pain is consuming them right now, and whatever they’re going through, it’s the most painful and most significant thing in the world to them now.
You’re not here to decide if something is worth the tears and the pain or not. You’re here to provide support.
Besides, you’re not validating their situation, but you must validate their feelings. They have full right to feel this way, and you’re not supposed to judge them.
5. Don’t lie to them
Nessuno vuole sentire frasi vuote, luoghi comuni e frasi fatte. So che volete far sentire meglio la vostra persona, ma non ha assolutamente senso mentire.
First of all, they’ll see right through you. I mean, they’re in pain; they haven’t magically lost their intelligence.
Consequently, they won’t come to you ever again once they realize that you’re not being honest.
Tuttavia, there is an even more important reason why deceiving someone you’re comforting is bad. You’re giving them false hope.
If you succeed in convincing them that their ex will come back or that their boss will ask them to return to work, you’ll get them to calm down temporarily. Nevertheless, the harsh reality will still hit them sooner or later.
Purtroppo, devono affrontare la verità, per quanto faccia loro male farlo.
6. But don’t be pessimistic either
However, you shouldn’t be too pessimistic either. Make sure they know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if they don’t see it yet.
Some problems don’t have a solution – we’re all aware of that. However, you’ll never say something like that directly.
Even if your friend has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, it’s not like you would tell them that they can’t be helped and that they will die, no matter what. Even in the worst-case scenario, you have to find a ray of sunshine.
Ma il trucco è trovare un equilibrio e non mentire solo per confortarli. Siate ottimisti, ma allo stesso tempo fate del vostro meglio per essere realisti!
Il modo migliore per aumentare l'ottimismo è quello di praticare affermazioni positive. Fateglielo ripetere e dopo un po' cominceranno a sentirsi meglio.
7. Dedicare loro la massima attenzione
When you’re talking to someone, they should be the center of your attention. It’s rude to text in the middle of a conversation or just pointlessly stare at your phone, scrolling through apps and social media.
You might not even be aware you’re doing it, but trust me, sometimes we’re all guilty of this.
Come ho detto, this behavior is unacceptable, even if you’re in the middle of unimportant small talk with someone you see every day, let alone when you’re comforting someone.
Tempo e luogo
Quindi, prima di chiedervi come confortare qualcuno, sarebbe bello se poteste scegliere un momento e un luogo adatto per farlo.
Try finding a private place where you two can be alone. You don’t want anyone distracting you. If you do get a phone call, don’t pick up!
Besides, you don’t want to have this talk in a coffee shop or a mall full of people. I’m sure that would make your friend even more uncomfortable.
The timing is also significant. Don’t invite them to meet up if you know that you have to go soon or something like that.
You don’t know for how long this is going to take, so it’s better to have all the time in the world at your disposal.
8. Offrire una soluzione
After the initial phases of this process have passed, it’s time for some action. Your friend may ask for your advice.
In that case, you should definitely offer them a solution. This advice can be based on your personal experience – this is when it’s okay to mention yourself (but be careful not to make it about yourself!).
But what if they don’t ask for advice? Well, it all depends on who you’re talking to.
If you’re comforting a young person, you can definitely share some of your wisdom. If this is your significant other, it’s also acceptable to offer them a solution.
Lo stesso vale per i buoni amici.
But what if you’re comforting a coworker or someone you’re not close friends with? Well, in that case, I think it’s better to restrain from giving unsolicited advice.
After all, you don’t know this person’s circumstances, and there is no point in diving in too deep.
9. But don’t push them too hard
When you’re comforting someone, it’s important to give spazio. You’re there for them, but you can’t be breathing down their neck.
Una delle cose peggiori che possiate fare è spingerli troppo a fare ciò che pensate sia giusto.
Sapete bene che dovrebbero piangere. You’re aware that reprimere le proprie emozioni è negativo per il loro salute mentale.
However, they’re simply not ready.
Lo stesso vale per le soluzioni che avete offerto. Sapete che ascoltando i vostri consigli risolverete il loro problema, aumenterete la loro autostima e li aiuterete a guarire.
Nevertheless, if they don’t want to take it, it’s their right. Remember – you’re their emotional support, nothing more.
10. Parlare attraverso il linguaggio del corpo
Ricordate che il linguaggio del corpo spesso parla più delle parole.
When you make eye contact, make sure you show understanding. Pay attention to what your friend is saying – don’t just stare at them blankly.
Ma soprattutto, offrire affetto fisico. If we’re talking about a close friend, significant other, or a family member, you’ll Abbracciateli e basta, senza fare domande.
But if this is someone you’re not that close tp, you should always ask if they want to be held or hugged. Some people don’t enjoy physical affection when they’re in emotional pain, and that’s perfectly okay.
11. Suggerire un aiuto professionale
There are some situations where you just can’t help your friend as much as you try. Maybe they’re feeling depressed, and their sadness is out of your area of expertise.
Quando ciò accade, il vostro compito è quello di offrirvi di portarli a una salute mentale professionale il cui compito è quello di aiutare gli altri.
Just be careful when making this suggestion! You don’t want them thinking that you think they’re crazy or anything like that.
You can offer a therapist from your own experience – just to show them that there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help.
12. Dite loro che possono contare su di voi
Come si conclude la conversazione? La cosa più importante è dire loro che possono contare su di voi, qualunque cosa accada.
They can call you in the middle of the night if they just need someone to listen to them. You’ll be around if they need a shoulder to cry on. You’ll be there if they need advice and if they’re looking for solutions.
The bottom line is that you’re not going anywhere.
Come confortare una persona via SMS in 3 modi
I have to be honest: sending someone who’s in pain a text message is probably one of the worst ways to comfort them. I mean, if we’re talking about someone close to you, you should at least make an effort to see them in person.
And if that’s not possible, you’ll call them, if nothing else. Tuttavia, a volte le circostanze sono tali da non avere altra scelta se non quella di mandare un messaggio.
In questo caso, è necessario procedere esattamente come segue
1. Dite loro che volete chiamare
If you’re texting someone, the important thing is to tell them that you meant to call them and that you intended to meet in person. What matters is that they know that sending them a text message wasn’t your first choice.
But just because you can’t call them now doesn’t mean that you won’t. Ask them when they’re available to talk and call them when you agree.
2. Don’t be too short
Come consolare qualcuno: Bene, you wouldn’t send them a short text that implies that you can’t wait to get rid of them.
The last thing you want them to think is that you’re doing this just because you have to, not because you truly want to comfort them.
3. But don’t make them even sadder, either
Tuttavia, va bene un paragrafo lungo come un saggio? Perché no? Ma c'è solo una condizione.
Don’t send it if you’ll make the situation even sadder. This is not the time to show off your writing skills. You’re not a famous author with the ability to always bring tears to your readers’ eyes.
Ricordate: il vostro intento principale è far sentire meglio la persona dall'altra parte dello schermo. Tutto il resto è completamente irrilevante.
Come confortare chi ha perso una persona cara in 4 modi
Confortare una persona in lutto perdita di una persona cara è estremamente difficile. Ma dovete dimenticare il vostro dolore e il vostro disagio e trovare un modo per far sentire meglio la vostra persona.
1. Renderlo personale
Ogni dolore è diverso e anche ogni perdita è diversa. So please, don’t try comforting someone by saying empty cliché.
When you’re comunicare le proprie condoglianze, make it personal so the other person sees that you’re really addressing them!
2. Don’t try erasing their pain
Here’s the awful truth: the il dolore per la perdita di una persona che si è amata per sempre non scomparirà mai. Si impara solo a conviverci.
So don’t try doing the impossible. Don’t put effort into erasing your friend’s pain because you won’t succeed in doing so.
In fact, they’ll just feel pressured to pretend that they’re better, even if they aren’t.
3. Seguire le loro indicazioni
Ricordate: il vostro obiettivo è far sentire questa persona il più possibile a suo agio. That’s why you should follow their lead and do whatever they feel like doing.
If they want to talk about the deceased, give them the chance to do so. If they want to watch a movie and act as if nothing happened, you should allow that too (even though we both know it’s not the healthiest coping mechanism).
Inoltre, fare attenzione quando si tratta di questioni spirituali. Don’t talk about heaven or God if you know they aren’t religious.
4. Essere a loro disposizione
Hanno bisogno di qualcosa? Come potete aiutarli? Queste sono domande fondamentali per concludere la conversazione.
Tenete presente che questa persona è in lutto. L'ultima cosa che ha voglia di fare è cucinare, pulire, prendersi cura di sé e cose del genere.
But at the same time, they still need to eat, and they need their garbage taken out. If you don’t know how to help them, stop by and bring a hot cooked meal or tidy up around the house.
You can also help them with the paperwork and other technical issues following someone’s death.
For you, this doesn’t mean much. But trust me that they will never forget it!
Cosa devo dire per confortare qualcuno?
Here are some of the best lines to say when you’re wondering how to comfort someone:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “I’m so sorry for everything that happened.”
- “You can count on my emotional support.”
- “What can I do to make you feel better?”
- “This pain will go away sooner or later.”
Per concludere:
Mi piacerebbe che non doveste mai chiedervi come consolare qualcuno. Tuttavia, life is tough, and sadly, you’ll need these skills sooner or later.
I’m not saying that these techniques are magical. They won’t erase someone’s pain in the blink of an eye. Nevertheless, they will definitely help you help others.
