Comportamento controllante: Segni, cause e come affrontarlo

Quando pensiamo a un comportamento di controllo, la maggior parte di noi immagina una relazione tossica e abusiva in cui uno dei due partner esercita il controllo.

Purtroppo, that thinking is wrong because that kind of behavior doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships.

Persone che piace controllare gli altri si possono trovare intorno a noi. Il comportamento di controllo può verificarsi in ogni tipo di relazione: tra membri della famiglia, tra amici, persino tra colleghi di lavoro.

Being in a controlling relationship greatly affects a person’s life. Actually, it changes someone’s life completely.

Innanzitutto, ti fa dimenticare tutto e tutti quelli che ti circondano. Poi ti fa dimenticare il tuo valore e, infine, ti fa perdere te stesso. Ti prosciuga completamente.

Che cos'è il comportamento di controllo?

Il comportamento di controllo è quando qualcuno manipola un'altra persona affinché faccia qualcosa che desidera.

Mind games, gaslighting, emotional manipulation…Those are only a few techniques that controlling partners use to mess with their partner’s mind.

Innanzitutto, rendono il partner emotivamente dipendente da loro. Poi, li manipolano affinché si comportino nel modo a loro più congeniale.

We have all met those couples where one partner is dominant and wants to be ‘in charge’ all the time, while the other is always silent and agrees with everything their partner does and says.

Molte persone rimangono bloccate in un rapporto di controllo. Provano forti sentimenti per il partner e diventa così difficile per loro liberarsi dall'abuso emotivo.

A volte, purtroppo, diventano anche vittime di violenza domestica.

I’m sure we all know that one family where one of the parents is so overprotective of their children that it causes them to become too controlling.

Vogliono sapere tutto dei loro figli e vogliono che rispettino le loro regole anche quando diventano giovani adulti.

Unfortunately, those parents aren’t aware of the consequences their behavior can have on their children.

That kind of toxic relationship leaves indelible marks on children’s mental health and their self-esteem.

We have all encountered those annoying co-workers who think that they’re better than us at least once. Ugh, they’re the worst!

They do the same job as you, but they act as if they’re your boss. They tell others what to do, they make others do their job and in the end, they take all the credit for a job well done.

Questo tipo di comportamento abusivo può essere riscontrato anche nelle amicizie. Se un amico pensa di avere il diritto di controllare la vostra vita, anche se è il vostro migliore amico, dovete interrompere la relazione.

These are all examples of controlling relationships and behaviors. Despite many red flags, unfortunately, sometimes it’s very hard to spot a controlling person.

Segni di comportamento controllante

A volte può essere estremamente difficile individuare una persona che esercita un controllo, ma ecco alcuni sottili segnali che possono aiutarvi.

1. Devono conoscere ogni vostra mossa e ogni vostro passo.

Qualunque cosa facciate, dovunque andiate, dovete dirlo prima a loro. Vogliono sapere dove siete ogni singolo minuto della giornata.

They text you all day and ask you where you are or when you’ll be back home. You aren’t allowed to do anything without their permission, or at least without discussing it with them first.

If you’re too busy to text them back immediately, they get angry and accuse you of cheating or not making them a priority in your life.

2. Isolamento da altre persone importanti della vostra vita

Il loro obiettivo è separarvi dalla vostra famiglia e dai vostri amici. Vogliono isolarvi dai vostri cari perché rappresentano una minaccia per loro.

They know that those people want only the best for you and that they’ll try to talk to you about your unhealthy and manipulative relationship.

They are afraid of your family and friends and they’ll do just about anything to stop them from having that talk with you.

They want to make you believe that they’re the only ones you can trust.

That’s why they will make up stories about your family and friends and lie about them, just to make you think that you can’t trust them.

3. Si comportano in modo completamente diverso di fronte alla vostra famiglia o ai vostri amici.

You’ll see how they’ll make you confused. First, they’ll talk bad about your family and friends, but they’ll behave completely differently in front of them.

They’ll behave normal, as if they don’t have a bad opinion about them. They’ll make them laugh and compliment them often.

They’ll show completely different faces when they’re in front of your loved ones. You won’t know what they actually mean and how they feel about them.

Trust me, they don’t mean it like that. They don’t respect or love your family, like you think – they just don’t want them to suspect their real intentions.

4. You aren’t allowed to have a life outside the relationship

They’ll get angry if they ever see you talking or drinking coffee with some of your friends or colleagues. They’ll make you think that your relationship is the only thing that should be important in your life.

After they make you emotionally dependent on them, you’ll ask for their permission for everything you do.

Vogliono per controllare ogni parte of your life and soon enough you’ll see how it’s affecting all aspects of your life.

Your career won’t progress. You’ll never be able to try new opportunities.

You’ll lose all your connections. You won’t achieve your dreams and goals.

5. La vostra autostima ne risente

Le vittime delle persone che controllano sono proprio quelle che hanno una bassa autostima. Sanno di essere facili da controllare a causa della loro mancanza di fiducia.

Anche se avete iniziato la relazione con problemi di bassa autostima, la vostra fiducia in voi stessi sarà comunque fortemente influenzata dal vostro partner che vi controlla.

They’ll make you feel like they are better than you in everything. No matter what you do, it’ll never be enough for them.

6. Vi fanno dubitare della vostra autostima

Questo è la conseguenza of low self-esteem. Your partner will make you think that you aren’t good enough.

Their intention is to make you think that you aren’t worthy of being loved and that you won’t find someone new if you decide to put an end to the relationship.

Poiché si ha a che fare con un grande manipolatore, dopo qualche tempo si comincia a dubitare della propria autostima.

You start believing that he is the only man who could ever love someone like you and that’s why you start protecting your relationship more than ever.

7. Sensi di colpa

Guilt tripping is a favorite technique from a manipulator to make you do something they want. They’ll even mention something that happened a long time ago just to get what they want.

They know how you think and feel. They know that by making you feel guilty, you’ll do whatever they want just to get their forgiveness and stop feeling guilty.

8. Dovete dimostrare i vostri sentimenti

Vi chiedono sempre di dimostrare il vostro amore per loro, ma quando glielo chiedete si arrabbiano perché dubitate dei loro sentimenti. Le vostre parole non sono mai abbastanza, ma lo sono.

You never even gave them any reason to doubt your love and it’s confusing for you why you should have to prove your love again and again.

9. Si cammina sempre su gusci d'uovo intorno a loro

Non si sa mai a che punto si è con loro. Cambiano molto il loro comportamento.

One moment they make you think like they really love you but the next moment, they behave like you did something really bad to them and they can’t forgive you.

You can never be relaxed because you never know how they’ll behave. You don’t feel comfortable around them anymore.

You feel like they watch your every move and you’re right. They’re waiting for you to make a mistake so they can turn that against you and continue with their tactique of guilt tripping.

10. You aren’t allowed to speak up

You are never allowed to speak up because your opinion isn’t important. You just have to listen to them and agree with them because they’re always right.

You shut yourself off from others because you really start thinking that what you have to say isn’t important to anyone.

If something bothers you, you keep it to yourself because you’re afraid of telling your partner. That’s what makes your relationship instantly unhealthy.

11. Si arrabbiano se si fa qualcosa senza averglielo chiesto prima

Si abituano a chiedere il permesso. Si comportano come se vi possedessero, come se avessero il diritto di controllare la vostra vita.

If you do something without consulting them first, even if it was some insignificant thing, they get so mad that they won’t even talk to you afterward.

If you did something wrong or made some foolish mistake, they’ll automatically give you the silent treatment. They’ll make you work hard for their forgiveness.

12. Hanno improvvisi scoppi di emozioni

In front of your family and friends, they’ll show their affection and they’ll shower you with compliments.

Vogliono farlo davanti a loro perché vogliono far credere agli altri di essere un partner perfetto.

Sometimes they’ll even behave like that when you’re alone. It’ll happen when they notice that you’ve changed somehow.

Vogliono confondervi, dimostrandovi che in fondo ci tengono molto a voi.

Sometimes they’ll get so angry without any reason. They may even show some abusive behavior.

People who have a strong need to control someone else definitely have some mental health issues, so it’s no wonder that they have questi sbalzi d'umore.

13. Critica costante

You are constantly criticized by them. Their intention is to make you think that you aren’t good enough and that you never will be, no matter what you do.

They think that the more they repeat it, the sooner you’ll start believing it. It’ll also affect your self-worth. It destroys your self-esteem.

Constant criticism is a toxic habit. It won’t just affect your confidence and mental health, it will also destroy your intimacy.

14. They make you feel like you don’t deserve them

They know that if they make you think like you don’t deserve them, it will make you fight to keep them in your life.

They make you believe that they’re better than you in every possible way. Then, their controlling begins.

When they become sure that they’ve convinced you that you don’t deserve them at all, they start asking you to do things for them.

15. Vi spiano

They want to control your life and that’s why they need to know everything about you. They don’t trust anyone, you especially, and they start spying on you.

They go through your things, they follow you wherever you go, and they take your phone to see who you’re chatting with.

16. Fanno drammi inutili

Quando fate un piccolo errore, ne fanno un dramma. Questo perché sanno che, facendovi sentire in colpa, sarà più facile controllarvi.

Also, they want others to hear that you’ve made a mistake while they are a perfect partner.

17. Non ci sono confini

Every healthy relationship is based on setting boundaries. Manipulative partners know that setting those boundaries will stop them from being able to control their partner’s life.

Anche se avevate dei limiti sani quando avete iniziato a frequentarvi, ora quei limiti sono sicuramente spariti.

Hanno oltrepassato tutti i tuoi limiti all'inizio della vostra relazione e tu hai permesso loro di farlo perché eri innamorata di loro.

18. Sono eccessivamente gelosi

Like we have already said, they don’t want you to have a life outside your relationship. They are jealous of all of your friends and co-workers.

They can’t stand to see you with someone else, even if you’ve never given them any reason to doubt your loyalty.

Questa è un'altra causa del comportamento di controllo.

19. Vi minacciano con ultimatum

The first time your partner gives you an ultimatum, you should end the relationship because they’re only trying to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Controlling partners always give ultimatums to their partners. Most often, they threaten to hurt themselves if their partner doesn’t do what they want them to.

Porre degli ultimatum è una delle tecniche dei manipolatori.

They give their partner ultimatums because they know they don’t want to hurt their feelings and that’s why they’ll accept it and do whatever is asked of them.

20. Abuso fisico

Purtroppo, la maggior parte dei casi di un partner dispotico in una relazione intima si conclude con un abuso fisico.

A causa delle frequenti esplosioni di emozioni, alcuni partner controllanti diventano aggressivi e violenti. Cominciano a punire il partner ogni volta che commette un errore.

Ci sono diversi motivi per cui alcune persone sopportano gli abusi fisici in una relazione.

They might be afraid to tell anyone about it because they’re afraid of their partner or they think that no one would believe them.

Their feelings for their partner are too strong and it makes them believe that they’ll change one day and regret their behavior.

They can become too emotionally dependent on their partners and they are afraid to lose them. That’s why they start thinking that the abuse is normal.

Quali sono le cause del comportamento di controllo?

Ci sono molte ragioni per cui alcune persone si sentono la necessità di controllare altri e alcuni sono molto difficili da riconoscere.

Se qualcuno avesse un'esperienza traumatica in a past relationship or they were emotionally abused themselves, they’ll try to control their partner because they don’t want to repeat their awful past experiences.

Alcune persone hanno problemi di fiducia that mean they don’t trust anyone easily, especially an intimate partner. Those issues make them want to control their partner’s life.

Some people control their partner’s lives because of a paura dell'abbandono. They love their partners too much and they don’t want to ever lose them.

Neither they nor their partners are aware of the fact that they’re in a controlling relationship.

Ci sono persone che hanno semplicemente the need to be ‘in charge’ sempre. Sentono il bisogno di controllare la vita di tutti coloro che li circondano.

Bassa autostima può anche far diventare una persona dispotica. La mancanza di fiducia in se stessi può scatenare molti sentimenti spiacevoli come ansia, depressione e gelosia.

The anxiety makes someone become controlling because they think that’s the only way they can protect themselves from experiencing bad things in the future.

Come comportarsi con una persona dispotica?

Dealing with a controlling person isn’t easy because in most cases people aren’t aware at all that they’re being controlled.

Tuttavia, se notate alcuni dei segnali precedenti e vi rendete conto che il vostro partner o qualcun altro vi sta controllando, ecco come potete affrontarlo nel modo più efficace.

• Reconnect with your family and friends

Mettetevi in contatto con la vostra famiglia e i vostri amici. Dite quanto vi dispiace aver permesso a qualcuno di mettersi tra voi e loro.

Ask them to hang out. Talk with them. These people are the ones who know you the best and I’m sure they can give you the best advice about your controlling relationship.

• Feel free to speak up

You have every right to express your opinion about everything. Relationships are all about equality and if your partner can’t take it, then it’s their problem, not yours.

If something bothers you, you should also feel free to tell your loved one. That’s how healthy relationships function.

Bisogna essere in grado di parlare dei propri sentimenti.

• Don’t be afraid to say NO

If you aren’t okay with something, tell your partner. You don’t have to agree on everything with them. Don’t be afraid of their reaction.

Even if they make a fight out of it, you shouldn’t be worried. Conflicts and fights are also part of a relationship, what’s important is how your partner and you will deal with it.

• It’s time to reset your boundaries

In ogni relazione sana devono esistere dei limiti. Trust me, the main cause of your partner’s abusive behavior is the lack of boundaries in your relationship.

È arrivato il momento di ristabilire questi confini. Riflettete e decidete quali sono le cose che vi danno fastidio nella vostra relazione.

• Pay more attention to yourself and your own well-being

Your loved one isn’t the only person that matters in your relationship. Anche voi siete importanti. I vostri sentimenti sono importanti. Bisogna iniziare a prestare più attenzione a se stessi.

• Work on your self-confidence

If you have low self-esteem, it’ll make you a perfect target for a controlling person. Don’t allow it. Work on your fiducia in se stessi e di essere abbastanza coraggioso da porre fine al controllo.

• Remind yourself of your self-worth

Ne vale la pena. You are good enough. Your partner isn’t better than you. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect.

Non permettete mai a nessuno di convincervi del contrario.

• Don’t change yourself anymore

Stop changing for a person who doesn’t respect you. Don’t lose your identity over someone who has never actually loved you.

If you allow someone to change you completely, you’ll never be the same and that’s something you won’t ever be able to forgive yourself for.

• Seek professional help if it’s necessary

If manipulative behavior has become physical abuse too, the best option for you is to seek professional help. They’ll take care of you best.

If you’re a victim of any kind of abuse or you know someone who is, you MUST contact the National Domestic

L'organizzazione della linea telefonica diretta contro la violenza. È disponibile 24 ore su 24.

Sometimes it’s possible to solve this problem and salvare la vostra relazione attraverso la comunicazione. You should talk with the other person about their controlling behavior and ask them if they’re ready to change it to keep you.

D'altra parte, a volte non si ha altra scelta se non quella di porre fine alla vostra relazione e salvarsi da un manipolatore che non cambierà mai.