Ecco perché il vostro ex è caldo e freddo (e cosa fare)

La vostra relazione è finita da un po'. Tuttavia, anche dopo tutto questo tempo, il vostro ex è ancora caldo e freddo. 

Ci sono momenti in cui si comportano come se vi amassero e volessero tornare insieme a voi.

Periods when they keep on texting you, when they’re jealous of your new life, and when they tell you how much they miss you.

Poi, il giorno dopo, il loro comportamento cambia. All'improvviso, smettono di rispondere alle vostre telefonate e di messaggi di testo e iniziano a ignorarvi. 

If this is something you can relate to, your ex is definitely playing a hot and cold game. They’re playing mind games and consequently, you have no clue about where you stand. 

Continuate a chiedervi cosa provano per voi. Quali sono le loro intenzioni? Il vostro ex prova lo stesso tipo di dubbio che avete voi?

Well, you’ve come to the right place because you’re about to get all the answers you need. Here is everything you need to know about what to do when an ex is hot and cold and why they behave like this.

9 Reasons For Your Ex’s Comportamento caldo e freddo

Rottura non elaborata

The first reason for this type of hot and cold behavior is the fact that your ex still hasn’t elaborato la rottura in modo sano. Questo può avvenire anche se vi hanno scaricato. 

You see, many people think that the person walking away always knows what they’re doing – that they’re 100% certain about their decision and that they have no doubts about ending the relationship.

Theoretically, this makes sense. After all, they’re the ones who chose to call it a quits so it doesn’t seem logical for them to have second thoughts. 

However, in practice, things don’t always go as smoothly as you might expect. Maybe they broke up with you impulsively or maybe they’re regretting their decision. 

Either way, the point is that your ex is still not fully aware of the fact that you’re no longer together. 

Ci sono giorni in cui vi considerano ancora il loro partner e in cui si comportano come se lo foste. ancora innamorati.

On the other hand, there are days when their boundaries are clear. Days when they’re sure about your break up and when they treat you like their ex, which you actually are.

If this is the case, there is no doubt about one thing: this person hasn’t accepted that it’s over. They’re doing their best to process some post-breakup emotions, which can change by the hour. 

Ci sono momenti in cui they’re angry with you per alcuni errori commessi mentre stavate insieme, o addirittura arrabbiati con se stessi per non aver saputo fare di meglio e per aver permesso che la vostra relazione andasse a rotoli.

Moments when they’re disappointed and can’t accept the fact that your romance didn’t succeed. Moments when si sentono vittime e momenti in cui si sentono in colpa per avervi abbandonato.

D'altra parte, ci sono anche momenti in cui il vostro ex prova tutto l'amore che provava per voi in passato. Momenti in cui ogni problema che avete avuto sembra risolvibile e sciocco. 

Each one of these dilemmas going on in their head reflects their behavior toward you. They’re going through a rollercoaster of emotions right now and they’re behaving accordingly. 

La lotta con se stessi è reale

I’m sure you’ve been in a situation before where your heart was telling you one thing while your mind advised you otherwise.

In una situazione in cui, nel profondo, sapevate qual era la cosa giusta da fare, ma le vostre emozioni volevano fare di testa loro. 

Well, there is a real possibility that this is exactly what’s going on with your ex right now. 

They are not only struggling with you – they’re also struggling with themselves, which is much more difficult. 

Il vostro ex si trova in un costante stato di dilemma. Sa di provare ancora dei forti sentimenti per voi, ma d'altra parte è fermamente convinto che tornare con voi sarebbe una pessima idea. 

They’re aware that you are non compatibile with each other, that you probably wouldn’t last much longer if you were to reconcile, and that you can never find the middle ground.

D'altra parte, ogni volta che vi vedono o vi sentono, la forza delle loro emozioni li travolge.

Quindi si chiedono cosa sarebbe meglio fare. Sarebbe meglio allontanarsi da te and find someone they’ll get along with better and to let go of this enormous love you both feel?

Se lo fanno, riusciranno mai a dimenticarti completamente? Si innamoreranno mai di nuovo così profondamente di qualcuno?

On the other hand, are their feelings worthy of doing the wrong thing? Are they ready to spend the rest of their life next to someone they’ll never get along with?

These questions are the reason why your ex is hot and cold. There are times when their mind wins over –  they ignore you and act like they couldn’t care less about you.

That’s when they act heartless and when they manage to pretend that they’re completely indifferent. 

On the other hand, there are times when their heart gets its way. Times when they can’t control themselves and when their emotions take over.

That’s when the “hot” phase begins. This is when they act like they love you, when they’re texting you, trying to reach out to you and want to talk things through. 

You are taking a test and you don’t even know it

Is it possible that your ex walked away from your relationship because they felt like you weren’t giving them enough attention? Because they felt like your second choice and last resort?

Well, if that is the case, it’s very likely that they’re acting hot and cold because they want to testarti. Vedono questa rottura come un'occasione per imparare la lezione.

They don’t want to actually continue living without you. Instead, they want to use this situation to make you grow fonder to them.

Il punto è che il vostro ex sta usando la psicologia inversa. Presume che l'unico modo per iniziare ad apprezzare la sua presenza sia percepire la sua assenza.

They think that once you realize they’ve abandoned you, you’ll understand what you’re losing. Only then will you be aware that you want them by your side, and only then will you figure out their worth. 

Il loro comportamento freddo e caldo non è altro che un test da superare per tornare con loro.

Siete finalmente pronti a combattere per loro? Sarete voi a fare il passo verso la vostra riconciliazione?

O li lascerete andare, senza muovere un dito? Ve ne starete seduti in pace a guardarli mentre vi lasciano per sempre?

The choice is all yours. Trust me – they won’t change their behavior until you show some initiative and action.

Basically, what your ex wants is for you to try a little bit harder. They want to see that you’re ready to put some effort into winning them back. 

Your ex wants you to fight for them. They want to see that you want them back and that you’re ready to do whatever it takes to be a part of their life once more. 

In altre parole, alla fine vogliono tornare con voi. Tuttavia, si rifiutano di farlo senza opporre alcuna resistenza. 

They don’t want you to think that you can have them whenever and however you like. Instead, they want to be appreciated and fought for. 

It’s not that your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend wants to see you begging them. They just want you to put in at least the minimum amount of effort into winning them back. 

Questo vale soprattutto se sono stati loro a lasciarvi. Significherebbe ammettere il proprio errore se tornassero con voi così, senza che voi alziate un dito. 

Li minacciate

Il prossimo motivo per cui il vostro ex è caldo e freddo potrebbe essere il fatto che si sente minacciato dalla vostra presenza.

Vedete, il vostro ex fidanzato or girlfriend is afraid that you’ll find a way to fool them back in your life and give your relationship another go.

Per questo motivo, si mettono uno scudo intorno al loro cuore. Costruiscono intorno a sé muri spessi che servono a tenervi fuori.

Therefore, every time you come near them, they feel threatened. They’re terrified that you’ll manage to break their shield and that you’ll find a way back into their heart in no time. 

They’re not running away from you here – they’re running away from themselves and from the emotions they still have for you. 

Rimanere amici è un'opzione

Is it possible that you’re misinterpreting your ex’s behavior? That you’re seeing something that isn’t there?

Is it possible that you’re making a big deal of your ex just calling you or liking your social media posts? 

Non vorrei essere io a farle scoppiare la bolla di sapone, ma potrebbe essere che il suo ex stia solo cercando di essere amichevole.

Forse si comportano in modo educato e gentile con voi, non perché vogliano tornare insieme ma perché vogliono rimanere migliori amici. 

A prima vista, potrebbe sembrare del tutto impossibile. Dopo tutto, avete avuto una relazione seria e non c'è alcuna possibilità che voi due possiate essere migliori amici dopo tutto quello che avete passato. 

However, this is just your point of view. You still have deep emotions for this person so it is expected that you’ll feel like this.

D'altra parte, per loro ha perfettamente senso. Provano ancora qualcosa per te, ma non lo stesso tipo di sentimenti che provi tu.

They don’t love you romantically any more but that doesn’t make them completely indifferent. 

After all, you’re the human being they spent so much time with, so it is natural that they can’t forget about you overnight. They remember all the good memories and everything you shared together. 

They especially don’t want to see you as their arch enemy. They don’t hate you –they want the best for you. 

In fact, your cold ex still wants to be a part of your life. They want to at least know how you’re doing and if there is anything they can do to help you.

However, you misinterpret their acts of kindness and see them as mixed signals or as signs that they’re still in love with you. Every time they reach out to you, you see it as a chance for getting back together.  

Nevertheless, this is not their intention. For you, it’s enough to see their name on your screen phone to think that they’re trying to win you back, while they’re just trying to be nice and kind. 

Problemi di fiducia profondamente radicati

Maybe your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend has the desire to be back in your life but they simply don’t trust you enough yet to make that happen.

Per favore, siate realistici e pensate alle cose che avete sbagliato nella vostra relazione. Pensate ai vostri errori e alle vostre azioni sbagliate. 

Vedete, il vostro L'ex prova ancora dei sentimenti profondi per te. Tuttavia, avete fatto qualcosa che ha violato la loro fiducia.

Whether you’re aware of doing so or not, the fact is that you caused some trauma for them.

You made them expect the worst from you so now they’re scared of letting you back in their life and giving you another chance. 

So, now it seems that your ex is hot and cold. However, this is nothing but them attempting to see whether you’re trustworthy or not.

They can’t give you a seconda possibilità senza essere certi di voi.

They can’t give you a second chance until they’re one hundred percent sure that you won’t repeat your mistakes and that you won’t hurt them again. 

Therefore, they see this period as a kind of test. They don’t want you out of their life but they don’t want you in it just yet, either. 

Instead, what they need is to see that you’ve changed. It’s up to you to show them that you’re a different person who won’t break their heart all over again.

It’s your job to convince them that they can rely on you this time. That by giving you another chance they’re not giving you a green light to keep on hurting them and doing them harm. 

It’s up to you to regain their trust. They don’t want you to back out as soon as they return – they want you to keep on fighting even harder and to show them that your relationship is worth the risk. 

If this is the case, please don’t play them once you regain their trust. Don’t prove to them that breaking up with you was a good decision and that taking you back was the mistake of their life. 

Una nuova relazione

Non vorrei essere io a dirvelo, ma l'amara verità è che la vostra ex ragazza o il vostro ex ragazzo potrebbero avere una nuova relazione di cui non sapete nulla. 

In ogni caso, il punto è che il nuovo relazione seria they’re in is dictating the tempo of your communication. 

So, while it seems like your ex is hot and cold because of the mixed emotions they have for you, the fact is that their behavior depends on what it’s going on in their relationship.

Whenever their new romance is going great, there is no sign of them. They stop returning your calls, there’s no texting at all, and they don’t even keep track of your social media activity like they used to.

Consequently, you’re left wondering what went wrong. Did you do something that caused them to cut ties all of a sudden – without any explanation or closure?

Then, out of the blue, they reappear in your life. It’s possible that their new relationship has entered a crisis.

Forse hanno capito che il loro attuale fidanzato o fidanzata non li amerà mai come voi. O forse hanno appena litigato.

Beware of the possibility that your ex is doing all of this on purpose. Maybe they’re trying to make their current partner jealous of you, without you being aware of what they’re doing.

Either way, this is the period in which your ex is constantly present in your life. They’re not directly pressuring you to reconcile but they’re all over you.

They give you the impression that you’re one step away from getting back together. However, what you don’t know is that you’re only serving as a way for them to overcome the crisis in their relationship.

Naturally, they won’t be honest about their relationship status with you. Instead, they’ll try their best to hide everything from you. 

After all, they want to keep you around, just in case. They can’t afford to lose you if their current relationship falls apart, so they’re keeping you as their safety net. 

Abuso di potere

Che vi piaccia o meno ammetterlo, quando il vostro ex è caldo e freddo, acquisisce una sorta di potere su di voi. 

You’re the one waiting for them to reach out the whole time, hoping they’ll come back to you. 

You put your life on hold, while they’re out there making their mind up about you and not worrying about your well being.

Basically, you have no say in this entire situation. They’re the one who needs to make the decision and you have no way of influencing it. 

Well, the truth is that in some cases, your ex is pretty much aware of all of this. They know that currently, they’re the dominant one and they take advantage of that. 

Giocano consapevolmente con la vostra mente e il vostro cuore. Si rivolgono a voi quando si sentono soli e abbandonati e quando non c'è nessun altro a cui rivolgersi.

On the other hand, as soon as their life gets back on track and as soon as everything starts to go smoothly, they’re nowhere to be found.

Suddenly, they’ve forgotten all about you and start acting like you never existed. 

Don’t fool yourself and think that this is their indisponibilità emotiva talking. You can be certain that they’re doing all of this on purpose.

They don’t want to give you a chance to fall out of love with them. As soon as they notice that your emotions are fading away and as soon as they see that you might forget them, they go into attack mode.

So, the next day they give you hope that reconciliation is possible. They say that they miss you and that they can’t imagine living their life without you.

However, all of these are just empty words that are never backed up with action. The fact is that they’re not doing anything about actually reviving your relationship.

In fact, as soon as they see that you’ve caught the hook, they’re nowhere to be found. They disappear, leaving you in agony and abandoning you when you need them the most.

At first, you suffer because of their absence and the fact that they’re acting hot and cold. You miss them and constantly overthink your entire relationship and everything that went on later.

However, after a while, you accept that they’re gone. You no longer try to contact them and you give up on the idea that you’ll ever be together again.

Nevertheless, when you’re just one step closer to finding peace, there they’re again. There they’re with their sweet words and empty promises. 

Before you know it, you’re trapped once more in this endless cycle from which you see no way out. So what is this if it’s not them using their power over you?

Si sono disinnamorati ma sono nostalgici

Here is another thing you might have trouble accepting – there is a great possibility that your ex has sadly ha smesso di amarti.

The first question then is, why have they contacted you at all if they’ve fallen out of love?

A volte, nonostante non si provi più nulla per una persona che si amava, si ha ancora nostalgia dei bei ricordi e dei momenti trascorsi insieme. 

Maybe your ex is scared of moving on. You’re their comfort zone and they feel some kind of security as long as they have you around.

Even though they’ve stopped loving you, they have a hard time admitting their indifference. They simply can’t let you go and they don’t feel ready to continue their life without your presence. 

Così, ogni volta che attraversano un momento difficile, cercano conforto nella vostra compagnia. Chiedono ancora il vostro consiglio e la vostra opinione.

Naturalmente, si tratta di una situazione che fa caldo e freddo.

7 cose da fare quando Il vostro ex è caldo e freddo

Figure out if you’re being used or they’re confused

Prima di intervenire sul vostro problema, tutti i consigli sulle relazioni vi diranno che prima di tutto bisogna andare a fondo. 

Now that you’ve read all of the possible reasons why your ex is hot and cold, rethink your situation for a couple of days and try to figure out what reason you relate to the most.

La cosa più importante è capire se you’re being used or they’re confused. Are they doing all of this involuntarily, without being aware of the impact their behavior is having on you?

Oppure si comportano così di proposito, con l'intenzione di ferirti ancora di più? Stanno facendo tutto questo senza preoccuparsi del vostro benessere?

So che rispondere a questa domanda potrebbe essere doloroso, ma credetemi, è fondamentale per voi sapere la verità. Siate il più realistici possibile e non badate ai vostri desideri e alle vostre speranze.

Naturally, you shouldn’t react the same way if your ex is struggling with their emotions rather than consciously playing mind games with you. 

Nel primo caso, dovreste sicuramente essere comprensivi. Dopo tutto, questa persona vi ama, ma ha difficoltà a conciliare il cervello e il cuore. 

On the other hand, if you know you’re dealing with a jerk who is playing you, they don’t deserve any sympathy.

In realtà, ciò che dovrebbero ottenere è un assaggio della loro stessa medicina, oppure dovreste cacciarli immediatamente dalla vostra vita. 

Whatever you decide to do and whatever approach you choose, please always put your emotions first. Don’t engage in anything that might end up hurting you even more. 

Non siate appiccicosi

Another thing you shouldn’t do is be overly clingy. You see, once you realize that you’re losing someone you love, you may have the impulse to keep them by your side, no matter what.

As soon as someone ignores you, you have an even bigger desire to get their attention. The same is true of you and your ex – this is just a part of human nature.

Meno rispondono ai vostri messaggi di testo, più voi li mandate doppi e tripli. Meno rispondono alle vostre chiamate, più trovate scuse per contattarli.

Più ignorano la vostra attività sui social media, più foto e aggiornamenti di stato postate. 

This actually makes sense at a first glance. You’re subconsciously trying to keep them from leaving you and more importantly – from forgetting you. 

Questo è il vostro tentativo di ricordare a questa persona di voi. Un tentativo di tenerla nella vostra vita, a tutti i costi.

Well, let me tell you one thing: you’ll actually only achieve the opposite with your estrema appiccicosità. By doing this, you’re producing a counterproductive effect.

Instead of pulling this person closer, you’ll only chase them away. You’ll make them feel suffocated and trapped and they’ll want to run for their life. 

Besides, this approach will make your ex lose all their appreciation for you. You’re sending them a message that they can treat you however they want.

No matter what they do, you’ll always be around. In fact, the worse they treat you, the more you’ll love them.

Quindi, perché mai dovrebbero cambiare il loro comportamento? Non c'è nulla che possano fare per farvi smettere di amarli, quindi possono continuare a comportarsi così per tutto il tempo che vogliono. 

Dimostrate loro che potete farcela anche senza di loro

La cosa più importante in questa situazione è dimostrare al vostro ex che you don’t need them. I’m not saying that you need to act like you don’t care about them, though.

However, there is a difference between loving someone and being dependent on them. That is exactly what you need to prove to them: that you want them in your life but you won’t be doomed if you lose them.

Basically, you need to show your ex that you can make it without them. So, instead of making phone calls, asking for favors, or asking for their advice, show them that you’re independent. 

Utilizzate questo tempo per lavorare sulla fiducia in voi stessi e per diventare la migliore versione possibile di voi stessi. Investite questo tempo e tutte le vostre energie per coccolarvi e migliorarvi.

Invece di essere ossessionati dal vostro ex e dalla vostra relazione fallita, riallacciare i rapporti con i vecchi amici. Uscire con le persone e vederle come un'occasione per conoscere qualcuno di nuovo.

Lavorare sulla propria istruzione e carriera. Leggete libri, guardate film e trovate un nuovo hobby.

Oltre a nutrire la mente e il cuore, lavorate anche sul vostro aspetto fisico. Andate in palestra o fate qualche attività fisica.

Questo sarà utile per la vostra salute mentale e fiducia in se stessi anche. Vi libererà dallo stress e dall'energia negativa e vi rimetterà in forma. 

However, you shouldn’t do all of this to spite your ex. Your final goal is not to show them what they lost.

Instead, you’re working on yourself for your own sake. You’re doing it to show yourself that you don’t need anyone and that you’re the creator of your own happiness.

Mirror your cold ex’s behavior

According to a lot of relationship advice, the thing you should do is mirror your ex’s behavior when it comes to giochi caldi e freddi. 

This person’s intention is to confuse you and to bring you into a situation in which you don’t know what to think or where to stand.

Well, why don’t you outsmart them for the first time ever? Turn the tables and batterli al loro stesso gioco. 

Quello che dovreste fare è rispecchiare il loro comportamento. Quando vi ignorano, riservate loro un trattamento ancora più freddo. 

However, don’t let them in as soon as they try to reenter the hot stage. Instead, make them work for it.

Ignore them for a little while after they start reaching out to you. Then, start acting like everything is in perfect order and make them believe that you’re crazy over them.

Dopo un po' di tempo, all'improvviso, sarete voi a dare loro il trattamento del silenzio. In questo modo, riducete la comunicazione al minimo indispensabile e iniziate a mostrare disinteresse.

Oppure potete semplicemente sparire, senza dare loro una spiegazione adeguata. Fatelo prima che inizino a ignorarvi e anticipate le loro intenzioni.

Believe me – this is how you’ll turn the situation in your favor. Now, they’ll be the ones wondering what is going on.

Quelli che cercano di decodificare il tuo segnali contrastanti e quelli che passeranno tutto il tempo a pensare alle vostre mosse. 

However, I have to warn you about one thing: by doing this, you’ll play with their head. 

You’ll probably even hurt their feelings. Nevertheless, there is also a great chance of hurting yourself as well here. 

The point is that you’re ignoring them on purpose, so you end up missing them as well. To put things simply: you’re breaking your own heart just so you can break theirs. 

Ridurre l'attività sui social media

Social media is a big part of modern dating. So, even though you’re not actually dating this person anymore, your social profiles can still help you a lot. 

When you first break up with someone you still love, you have the same impulse as the rest of us. You stalk your ex’s profiles, you want to find out where and with whom they’re spending their time.

Inoltre, utilizzate i vostri profili per inviare loro un messaggio. Si pubblicano aggiornamenti di stato tristi e citazioni sulla mancanza di qualcuno, canzoni che potrebbero ricordare la vostra relazione e così via.

D'altra parte, potreste usare i vostri profili per farli ingelosire. Mettete foto di voi che vi divertite molto o aggiornamenti di stato su come l'essere single sia una figata. 

Well, let me tell you that neither approach works. Even if you post your happy photos, they’ll be aware that you’re doing all of that in spite of them.

Besides, both approaches are beneficial for your ex. Either way, they know where you’re spending your time and what you’ve been up to.

Quindi, la cosa migliore da fare è ridurre la vostra attività sui social media al minimo indispensabile. Non fatevi notare e fate in modo che si chiedano. 

Do the same with your mutual friends. Don’t reveal your plans or emotions and especially don’t ask about them. 

Se possibile, sarebbe meglio tagliare i ponti con chiunque sia legato al vostro ex. Se vogliono sentirti, costringili a contattarti.

Don’t let them get the information they need without moving an inch – through your friends or social media. Force them to make an effort or give you access to their life. 

Don’t react when they go cold

The most important thing is to stay calm once your ex enters “the cold” phase. Naturally, your first impulse here is to get angry but this is not how you’ll get your ex back. 

Volete richiamarli alle loro azioni. Volete sgridarli e discutere con loro del loro comportamento scorretto.

Tuttavia, questa è l'ultima cosa da fare. Fidatevi: la vostra reazione è ciò che vuole il vostro ex fidanzato o la vostra ex fidanzata. 

They want to see that they’ve accomplished their goal. They’ve managed to hurt your feelings and to affect you in the worst way possible.

Tuttavia, ciò che li ferisce di più è se li trattate in silenzio. Si aspettano che li inseguiate, così come scappano da voi.

Vogliono che implorarli to come back every time they leave. They want you to get angry, even, because that is a sign that you’re not indifferent.

However, if you ignore their cold behavior, you’ll make them lose their mind. They’ll wonder why there is no reaction from you and whether it’s a sign that you don’t care for them at all.

Trust me, before you know it, your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend will come knocking on your door. They’ll come crawling back to you, just to check what’s wrong and whether they still have a place in your life. 

Parlare con loro faccia a faccia

Finally, if you’ve had enough of this situation, it’s time to bring the subject up and talk to them face to face. After all, the two of you are mature human beings and I’m sure you’ll be able to find the middle ground.

Don’t be emotional and don’t show them your weakness and vulnerable side. 

However, don’t be arrogant either if you want to get your ex back. Just be as realistic as possible and talk to them about your situation.

Be honest and tell them that you’re not stupid and that they can’t play you for a fool anymore. You won’t put up with this behavior a second longer and you want to know where you stand.

Don’t be scared of telling them that you’ve wanted to get back together this whole time.

Don’t cry or beg them: just tell them that you still have feelings for them and that you would like to give your relationship another shot. 

Don’t make them give you the answer right away or the next day. 

Instead, give them a certain period of time – a couple of days or more to make up their mind.

Applicate la regola dell'assenza di contatto fino a quando non prenderà una decisione. Se il vostro ex è caldo e freddo dopo il no contact, tutto è chiaro. 

Nevertheless, don’t give them a lot of time. Set a date and be firm about it. 

If they don’t give you an answer in that period of time, leave them for good. Don’t allow them to keep playing with you or to keep you on hold. 

Quando il vostro ex fa il bello e il cattivo tempo e voi decidete di adottare questo approccio, siate sicuri della vostra decisione e della vostra capacità di farlo.

Don’t do all of this if you’re going to fall for them the first time they contact you. 

There is no point in bringing the subject up if you’ll be too weak to stick to your decision. 

Don’t allow them to keep on playing games with you because that way, you’ll just show them that you’re nothing but a fool and that your words mean nothing.