Mi dispiace se la mia ansia mi rende difficile da amare

Pensi che non voglia essere normale? Pensi che io provochi tutto il casino che facciamo perché è così che mi piace?

You think I’m one of those who likes to confuse people and send mixed signals? None of that is true.

Ucciderei per essere normale. Ma avere un disordine nella mia vita è l'unico modo che conosco per vivere.

I don’t want to send mixed signals but half of my life I have no idea what I want because I’m sure that no matter what I choose in life, my dear friend anxiety will force me to change my decision.

I also don’t like it but unlike you, I don’t really have a choice, I have to live with it.

I’d also like to wake up with a smile on my face, eager to embrace everything that the day has to offer me.

Ma purtroppo mi sveglio con un nodo allo stomaco, preoccupata per tutto ciò che potrebbe andare storto quel giorno. E ogni giorno inizia allo stesso modo.

So che la mia ansia rende difficile per te amarmi, ma rende difficile anche per me vivere.

You say it’s all in my head and that I could control it if I tried hard enough. You think I haven’t already? You think I don’t know this?

But you have no idea how it feels to have a restless army of thoughts in my head that won’t go away.

Nothing I do works, anxiety has occupied my mind and it isn’t leaving.

Non avete idea di quanto sia difficile concentrarsi su ciò che qualcuno sta dicendo mentre la mia ansia e le mie insicurezze stanno attaccando ogni cellula del mio corpo.

Per esempio, l'altro giorno stavi cercando di fare programmi per me e i tuoi amici insieme e io sono andato subito nel panico.

I panicked about the idea of being surrounded by your friends, that’s how irrational my anxiety is.

Probabilmente hai continuato a spiegare l'intero piano nei dettagli, ma nel momento in cui hai iniziato l'argomento non sono riuscito a sentire nient'altro.

Tu hai parlato e io sono stato sopraffatto. Ho avuto paura. Ho avuto paura. What if they don’t like me? What if I say something stupid?

E se mi metto in imbarazzo o se metto in imbarazzo te?

E se mi chiedono qualcosa di personale e io arrossisco o inizio a borbottare?

What if I get awkward, what if they think I’m not good enough and that you should get someone who’s normal and doesn’t carry so much baggage?

See, it was a simple, mundane task and I ruined that too. My anxiety ruined it actually but it’s the same thing.

Quello che a voi sembrava una cosa normale, si è rivelato il mio incubo.

It brought all my demons to the surface and once again I forgot that you don’t care what others think of me.

I forgot that you love me whether your friends accept me or not. I forgot I promised I’d never think badly about myself. I forgot it all.

So che ti ho fatto sentire come se dovessi camminare in punta di piedi. So di confondervi tanto quanto sono confusa io. So che a volte vi lascio senza parole e sbalorditi.

I know you don’t understand. And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I can’t explain myself, I’m sorry I have irrational fears, I’m sorry my palms get sweaty when we meet someone you know on the street and that I’m unable to speak at all.

So che sarebbe molto più divertente innamorarsi di una ragazza con una spirito inquieto che essere innamorati di una ragazza paranoica e ansiosa.

I know it would be much easier to be with a girl who is fearless but you chose me the way I am and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.

I understand it’s hard and even though I don’t want you to leave me, I’d understand if one day you si è allontanato.

I always fear this love will become a burden to you but I wouldn’t blame you for not being able to put up with me anymore.

Hell, it’s hard for me, who should’ve learned to live with it by now, so I can’t even begin to guess how it feels for you.

I’m sorry if it takes me so long to respond to your messages, if you wait too long for me to make a decision, I’m sorry for making plans I usually don’t follow through on, I’m sorry for always being late, for thinking too much before I speak, I’m sorry for making you doubt yourself because of my own insecurities.

I wish I could make it all go away but I can’t. I can only love you and hope it will be enough.

I know it’s hard. I know I’m a mess. I know what I’m doing to you and I’m sorry. But know that you’re the only thing in this world who makes me try so hard.

You’re the only reason I manage to fight my anxiety and you’re the only one who motivates me to get out of my comfort zone and do the things I know I wouldn’t be able to do alone.

I’m sorry for being hard to love but I’m grateful for having someone like you to be there for me even when I don’t deserve it.

Thank you for staying and being there for me even when I’m unlovable. Thank you for choosing me even if you can have a million others. Thank you for loving me together with my flaws.

Thank you for loving me even when it’s hard. Because of you, I’m a little less scared to live.