Cosa devo fare quando mio marito pensa di non fare nulla di male?

Mio marito pensa di non fare nulla di male. Non considera mai il mio punto di vista e mi dà il trattamento silenzioso ogni volta che esprimo il mio i propri sentimenti.

And lately, we’ve been going through a really rocky period…

Does this resonate with you? If so, don’t worry because you’re definitely not alone. Every happy marriage goes through a rough patch. And I’m here to help you see if there’s a way out of this mess.

Many would say to try marriage counseling (which isn’t a bad idea) ma credo che quando qualcuno ti dà un milione motivi per dubitare delle loro intenzioni, fatelo.

We’ve all dealt with toxic people at some point. The thing is, you need to know when to throw in the towel.

If your hubby throws a tantrum every time you voice your concerns and gives you a hard time whenever you do something wrong, maybe he’s not your soulmate after all?

Fate attenzione a questi segnali. Se riconoscete il vostro altro significativo in una qualsiasi di esse, il mio consiglio è di scappare a gambe levate.

I suoi sbalzi d'umore sono diventati insopportabili.

One day, he’s the kindest man on earth, and the next, you’re walking on eggshells around him. 

A volte lo consideri il tuo migliore amicoma senza preavviso si trasforma in un narcisista che si diverte a distruggere la vostra autostima. E buona fortuna nel capire la causa di tutto questo!

And the worst thing is, when you’re not sure which version of him you’re getting, you’re scared that he might break up with you out of the blue.

You’re never sure if he’s happy, disgruntled, annoyed, cheerful or frustrated. Entra ed esce dalle sue molteplici personalità.

If he’s annoyed, he’ll give you a not-so-subtle sigh or a raised eyebrow, just so you notice something is wrong. But God forbid he actually communicates it properly.

Spesso vi trovate a trovare delle scuse per lui, anche se in fondo sapete che non è colpa vostra.

You’re just so eager to make him happy that you put up with his tantrums that are destroying your mental health day by day.

Cosa fare?

Don’t fall into this trap. Toxic people are very well aware of how far decent people will go to keep them happy. Don’t be that person.

Allontanatevi da lui non appena vedete che cambia umore. Unless you want him to become your ex-husband, let go of your need to please and talk to him once he’s normal again.

This is a clear personality disorder that you should’ve called out the first time it started. You should never have to guess why someone’s being an asshole.

Married couples shouldn’t put up with emotional abuse. Either communicate properly or get out.

Vedi anche: Vi sentite poco amati? Ecco i possibili motivi e i modi per risolvere la situazione

Vi manipola facendovi credere di essere in debito con lui...

Usually, when my husband thinks he’s done nothing wrong, I mimic his behavior, to subtly let him know what an ass he’s being.

And most of the time it works. See, I’m not going to spend the rest of my life fixing a horrible person. Either you’re invested in this marriage or I’m out.

But the moment you notice him manipulating you, call it out. Here’s how he might be doing it without you knowing:

Fa qualcosa di carino per voi e si aspetta che voi ricambiate il favore. Non fa mai nulla di specialeper bontà d'animo.

Potrebbe ritirare il tuo bucato a secco (oh, che compito impegnativo) e poi sbattertelo in faccia per le settimane successive. Come se questo vi rendesse in qualche modo debitori nei suoi confronti.

People who do kind things to have something to hold over you SUCK. Even if it’s your family members. 

Ci vuole un'abilità particolare per manipolare qualcuno in modo così disinvolto, quindi tenetene conto prima di ignorarlo. Se fa di tutto per farti sentire in colpa, quanto gli importa davvero?

Cosa fare?

First, realize that you don’t owe him anything. Everytime he tries to make you do something you don’t want, ask him why he doesn’t do it himself?

Let him know that you’re not doing anything that’s counter-productive to your well-being. You’re more than happy to be there for him, but not at any cost.

People in intimate relationships have to balance each other out. When one person is constantly asking, and the other keeps giving, that’s no longer a marriage.

That’s an emotionally abusive relationship.

Proietta i suoi sentimenti su di voi

Again, it takes a really sneaky human being to successfully do this and get away with it. Here’s a great example:

Let’s say your husband is having a bad day. He’s cranky, nervous, and anxious. The minute you ask him what’s wrong, he almost bites your head off.

But worse, he accuses YOU of being mad. And the thing is, you often believe him. But don’t. He can’t own his feelings, which is why he projects them onto you.

You’re always resorting to defensiveness as if there’s something to apologize for. He makes you think that you’re the problem and that you’re the one being unfair to him.

But that’s what maestri manipolatori fare. Now that you’re aware, stop before you apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

It’s time for him to own his feelings and stop putting so much hard work into causing you emotional distress.

Cosa fare?

Next time he accuses you of being in a bad mood, don’t defend yourself. Consider if this is, in fact, true, or if he’s being evasive.

You’re not responsible for anyone’s misfired accusations. Affrontare a bruciapelo le sue emozioni irrisolte.

Be calm, collected, and tell him you’re feeling particularly at ease today. You honestly cannot understand what he’s talking about. Your complete calmness will unnerve and rattle him.

And once he inevitably explodes (with emotion) words will be unnecessary. It’ll be more than clear who the angered one is.

Vi ricatta emotivamente

Countless times you’ve found yourself having to choose between him and someone else. And somehow, you know it’s not really a choice. You devono sceglierlo.

Diventa geloso di un amico maschio (a causa dei suoi gravi problemi di fiducia) e vi proibisce di passare il poco tempo che avete con lui.

And if you disobey him, he’ll turn into a drama king. That’s what toxic people do. It’s either their way or the highway.

He waits until you’re really attached to him, then he starts using it against you in the most deceitful ways.

“If you really loved me, you’d give me your social media passwords.” “If you do this for me, I’ll consider seeing a consulente matrimoniale.” “If you stop sms Mark, I’ll stop giving you a tempo difficile.”

And the main issue with this? It’s never enough for him. No matter what you do, he never appreciates it. You are forced to do what he wants, or he’ll make you suffer.

Cosa fare?

Stop giving him control over your own life. Nobody can make you do something you’re not comfortable with.

If you want to text with your male best friend, do it! If your husband has a problem with that, he can go have himself a panic attack over nothing but you’re not budging.

Invece di pensare: Mio marito pensa di non fare nulla di male, dire a te stesso che your husband knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s just pushing your boundaries!

It’s these seemingly little things that’ll show him you’re not his puppet. Stand up for yourself without feeling guilty.

He can’t say he’s sorry

Mia cognata ha lottato proprio con questo problema (buffo, lo so!). Il suo compagno ha svuotato il loro conto in banca senza dirglielo, e poi l'ha fatta sentire pazza per aver avuto un problema con questo.

Il ragazzo ha prestato un mucchio di soldi alla sua migliore amica e ha praticamente speso tutti i loro risparmi senza consultarla. E non ha MAI detto che gli dispiaceva. 

That’s when I realized something. If a guy can do something so bad and never feel the need to apologize, I’d rather stay single.

I’m not going to wait a couple of years for him to understand what an ass he was. Either you’re my equal, or I’m not wasting my time on you.

If your man can’t say sorry to save his life, it shows you his investment in your marriage. Someone who doesn’t consider your feelings doesn’t appreciate you.

He needs to be able to own up to his actions and take responsibility. Otherwise, he’ll keep doing shady things because he knows you’ll put up with it.

Cosa fare?

Here’s a really important thing I’ve learned in life. Alcune persone si preoccupano più di avere ragione che di essere giuste.

And you’ll be damned if you’re going to let him slide with any of his BS again. If he can’t offer you a sincere apology, no problem. You’ll move on without him.

But don’t ever let a man make a fool of you. You’re not insecure, nor are you codependent. You’re perfectly fine being on your own until you find a man with his life together.

Until then, give your bestie a phone call and go for a memorable night out on the town. After all, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.

Vedi anche: La mia anima è stanca: Riconoscere i segni di un'anima stanca e ripararla

Si concentra sul tono invece che sulle cause.

I can’t tell you how often my husband thinks he’s done nothing wrong when in fact, he’s being a real idiot (I do love him, promise).

And this particular issue is what I’m most annoyed at. Whenever I’m trying to get my point across, he’ll focus on my tone of voice, instead of the issue I’m trying to present.

Most of the time, there isn’t an issue with my manner, even though it’s totally okay if there is. After all, we’re trying to resolve an issue. Of corso, le cose si faranno un po' più calde.

So I’ve learned to bypass this over time. I don’t let him focus on the irrelevant stuff when I know he’s just being evasive.

We’re going to work this stuff out, and no, I’m not apologizing for my tone of voice. Why? Because there isn’t a problem with it.

People will always try to be sly about making it about something else so that they don’t have to deal with an issue.

But that’s where you come in. Don’t let him unnerve you and stay on topic. There’s no getting around this issue.

Cosa fare?

Come ho già detto, non si deve perdere di vista la propria posizione. Le persone si spingono fino all'estremo pur di non dover affrontare le cose difficili. 

But not if you don’t let them. Recognize his attempts to confuse you and go off-topic and nip them in the bud. Persist in your attempt to speak about what’s bothering you without justifying yourself.

He knows exactly what he’s doing, so don’t let him provoke you. If this issue keeps being present regardless of your attempts to stay on-topic, know when to walk away.

It’s better to be by yourself than around people who are determined to make you appear crazy.

He often leaves you on ‘read’ and doesn’t answer his phone

You’ll be texting and things will start to heat up. You’ll try to get some information out of him, and he’ll just leave without finishing the conversation.

You’ll be weirded out as you know that he’s aware of how important this particular matter is to you, so you’ll convince yourself he’s just really busy.

Ma il fatto è che questo accade più spesso di quanto non accada. He leaves conversations unfinished the moment it gets uncomfortable and then doesn’t answer his phone when you try to get a hold of him.

What gives? Could he really be that big of an ass or is he just suddenly extremely preoccupied? Here’s the deal. People who want to reply, always make time.

Texting you back takes all of one minute. So my guess is that he doesn’t really care, otherwise he’d get back to you ASAP.

If he’s aware that this is something important to you, yet he leaves you hanging, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

Cosa fare?

È così semplice. Fategli assaggiare la sua stessa medicina. Smettete di rispondere i suoi testi e diventare irreperibile al telefono. Vediamo se gli piace.

Once the tables are turned you can bet your ass that he’ll have a problem with that. E poi accadrà una delle due cose.

Either he’ll man up, apologize and start taking you seriously, or he’ll accuse you of “not being there for him.” If it’s the latter, don’t bother engaging.

Leave him on real-life ‘read’, and find someone who’s maturity level is over 12 years of age.

Correlato: Mio marito interpreta male tutto ciò che dico: come risolvere il problema

Vi giudica

He takes a swipe at your self-esteem whenever he’s not happy about your choices. And that’s one of Le peggiori cose che un marito può fare.

We’re all flawed human beings. You make mistakes, then learn from them. Nobody is perfect, especially him. 

Quindi, quando ha la decenza di rovinare la vostra parata e di farvi sentire insicure, giudicate e indegne perché avete commesso un piccolo errore, pensate al tipo di persona che è.

Does someone who’s supposed to love you unconditionally and be your rock get to put you down when he sees fit?

Ha il diritto di giudicare le vostre scelte, i vostri errori e le vostre decisioni di vita quando lui stesso è più che imperfetto? La risposta chiara è no.

Unless you’ve done something that has negatively impacted him, he’s not entitled to judge you in any way. Your significant other should love you for all of your flaws and shortcomings.

He should stand by your side when the world crashes on your shoulders and pick you up when you falter. He should be your safe haven when the world gets dark and hold your hand when you’re feeling lost.

Judgment of any kind is a toxic trait that isn’t welcome in a marriage. Be careful who you call your husband. If he’s only there for the good times, how can you ever lean on him?

Cosa fare?

If your husband keeps messing up but you let it slide day after day, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice.

Lasciandovi giudicare da lui, vi svendete. You’re worthy of a man who’ll see your worth amidst your darkest times. You are worthy of a man who’ll weather the storms by your side.

Inizia a vedere il tuo valore e smetti di lasciare che tuo marito ti faccia sentire non abbastanza. Tu non sei i tuoi errori. 

And anyone who makes you feel like you are doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Consider this before choosing this man as your companion through life.

You show people how you want to be treated. Demand respect and appreciation without apologizing for it. If you can’t get it from him, you’ll find it elsewhere.

Vedi anche: Tutto quello che c'è da sapere su una relazione transazionale

Choose Yourself…

My husband thinks he does nothing wrong, but I’ll damn well show him that he, in fact, does plenty of things wrong.

That’s the only acceptable attitude you should embrace from now on. Choose yourself, love yourself, and create a life that breeds joy.

Engaging in self-care is a fundamental aspect of creating an environment you can thrive in. Once you raise your standards, you’ll never diminish the quality of your life again.

Honor your sense of self and move away from anyone who takes away from your joy. Loving yourself isn’t selfish, it’s mandatory.

Refamiliarize yourself with the meaning of love, devotion, and respect and realize when it’s time to let go of someone.

La frustrazione è quella linea estremamente sottile che separa ciò che le persone si aspettano da voi e ciò che siete realmente. Scegliete quest'ultimo aspetto e siate senza vergogna il vostro io crudo e autentico.

“You need to love yourself. Love yourself so much to the point that your energy and aura reject anyone who doesn’t know your worth.” – Billy Chapata