Come riconoscere l'inganno e la menzogna per omissione nelle relazioni di coppia

“The slickest way in the world to lie is to tell the right amount of truth at the right time – and then shut up.”―Robert A. Heinlein

Yes, lying by omission is the slickest, most efficient, and smoothest way to deceive and lie. Still, that doesn’t make it okay.

La definizione di menzogna per omissione è la seguente: tralasciare fatti importanti e rilevanti in una conversazione per favorire un'idea sbagliata.

Many wonder if it’s even really lying when you lie by omission. Let’s find out whether omission actually is lying and how it destroys relationships.

L'omissione è una menzogna e perché si pratica la menzogna per omissione?

“It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable.”―Molière

Quindi, l'omissione mentire? Certo che lo è. Appartiene ai 7 tipi di bugie:

Omissione – a person leaves out information that is relevant to how the whole situation is perceived.

Errore – a person truly believes they are telling the truth. They made a mistake and their words aren’t true even though they believe they are.

Ristrutturazione – a person alters the scene in a way that makes them less involved.

​Denial – a person refuses or doesn’t have the ability to accept the truth. They’re usually also lying to themselves.

Minimizzazione – a person reduces the effects of whatever happened.

Esagerazione – a person builds up the story in a way that suits them to look their best or uses unnecessary hyperboles.

Fabbricazione – a person invents a whole story and tells a complete lie (these lies are called lies of commission).

Omission seems to be one of the most innocent ways of lying. Even a lie detector wouldn’t pick those kinds of lies up since they aren’t even false statements, they’re just incomplete truths.

Still, it seems like lies of omission aren’t any easier to deal with when they’re used in romantic relationships. Why does it hurt so bad?

We’ll get into the details, but the ultimate reason is that the person who’s being deceived or having secrets kept from them feels intentionally hurt by their loved one, who obviously has very little respect for them as they’ve chosen to let them live in a false reality.

Perché le persone scelgono di saltare alcune parti della verità?

1) A causa della paura. They don’t want to be on the receiving end of anger or any kind of punishment they think may follow if they tell the complete truth.

2) Si sentono in colpa for the thing they did that they aren’t willing to openly speak about and think hiding it is the best choice.

3) Si vergognano of what they did and don’t want their loved ones to perceive them differently.

Queste sono alcune delle frasi più comuni che una persona che ha mentito per omissione usa quando il suo segreto viene scoperto:

“I just couldn’t bear to tell you!”

“It didn’t seem like important information to share at the moment.“

“I didn’t actually lie, I just didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.“

“I was afraid of what you would say!”

Anche se tutte hanno perfettamente senso, mentire per omissione è comunque mentire e fa molto male.

So, what is it about lying by omission that cuts so deep? Let’s find out.

6 ragioni per cui mentire per omissione in una relazione è distruttivo

1. Le omissioni portano a coprire bugie che possono essere difficili da seguire.

Quando una persona sceglie di raccontare mezze verità, il più delle volte la sua storia lascia delle domande senza risposta.

To the partner who’s having a secret kept from them the whole thing may seem illogical and they usually start asking additional questions just so they can have a clear understanding of what’s going on.

The person who’s keeping the secret, in an attempt to keep their secret, tells bugie that weren’t a part of their original plan.

Queste complicano ulteriormente la situazione, creando un'atmosfera disordinata e cupa nella relazione.

2. The person who’s holding a secret feels uncomfortable and guilty

Anche se dire la verità potrebbe non cambiare la relazione come l'ingannatore crede, l'intera esperienza di omissione lo fa.

Unless they’re a psychopath, the partner who’s keeping a secret will start feeling guilty about the things they didn’t say.

Una persona che si sente in colpa continua a rovinare la relazione in molti modi diversi, e la sua prima bugia di omissione è solo un punto di partenza per ciò che viene dopo.

3. Le bugie di omissione e i segreti creano una barriera alla connessione.

To be able to tell the truth even when you know it won’t make you look good, you have to feel like you’re in a safe environment.

If a person who’s generally not a liar and deceiver chooses to omit something, it might mean that they’re actually having trust issues.

Una volta che la menzogna è in circolazione, blocca la vera intimità.

Il detentore del segreto prova ogni tipo di emozione disturbante e non è in grado di aprirsi in nessun altro aspetto della relazione perché la menzogna o l'omessa verità glielo impediscono.

In these situations, closeness is avoided and there’s usually a decrease in conversation and physical intimacy which means that the sexual relationship between two people fades as well.

It’s impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with clear communication and strong connection without being completely honest with each other.

Lies of omission destroy intimacy and that’s probably their most destructive influence in relationships (or should I say relazioni tossiche). 

4. L'inganno distrugge l'autostima di entrambe le persone nella relazione.

The person who chooses to lie may begin questioning themselves completely, especially if it’s the first time they did something like that.

Feeling awful and guilty about doing something inconsiderate to their partner makes them feel like bad people and they have a hard time accepting what they’ve done but still can’t seem to find a way to tell the truth.

Questo rovina lentamente la loro autostima.

Per chi riceve la falsità, l'autostima può essere rovinata da due diversi aspetti dell'omissione.

Il primo aspetto dell'omissione è quando la menzogna non è ancora stata scoperta.

Sometimes, things don’t add up for them, and they feel distrusting, suspicious, and generally weird, which can make them think there’s something wrong with them.

The other aspect of omission is after the secret is discovered, where the person obviously feels many different things that we’ll talk about in just a minute.

L'insieme di emozioni negative fa diminuire l'autostima.

5. La persona a cui è stata mentita prova troppe emozioni negative per poterle contare.

After the person who was lied to discovers the truth they go through a major self-questioning process. There’s so much happening in their mind.

In primo luogo, si sentono confusi e possono persino negare l'accaduto.

Then, they feel abandoned by the person they love and who they believed loved them. They suddenly feel like they can’t trust anything or anyone.

Si sentono meno perspicaci o addirittura stupidi per non aver capito prima che gli si stava mentendo. Cominciano a sentirsi arrabbiati sia con il partner che con se stessi.

Tutte queste emozioni sono eccessive da gestire e spesso si sviluppano ansia su tutta la situazione.

Essere ingannati da una persona cara è molto difficile da affrontare.

Anche se riescono a perdonare e a dimenticare, il segno sulla loro psiche rimane per sempre e li spinge a hanno problemi di fiducia e di essere più sospettosi e nervosi in futuro.

6. Il modo in cui un bugiardo affronta il senso di colpa crea un danno ancora maggiore della menzogna stessa.

La gestione del senso di colpa e della vergogna crea molti nuovi problemi. Il detentore del segreto, nascondendo un segreto, inizia a nascondere ogni giorno di più chi è.

In order to justify their actions (and deal with what they’ve done), they may withdraw, grow resentful of their partner, become incredibly critical or judgmental, highly irritable, or even aggressive.

La menzogna crea in loro un conflitto interiore e utilizzano molti strumenti psicologici per affrontarlo.

Il più delle volte diventano distanti e irraggiungibili per il partner, il che fa sì che la relazione vada in pezzi da sola, senza che la menzogna venga scoperta.

Everyone who’s afraid of telling the truth should think about this before they decide that lying is easier because it’s so much more complicated than it seems.

If you’re thinking that your partner might be telling you half-truths and letting you believe something that isn’t (completely) true, read about these signs to find out if you’re right.

7 sottili segnali che il vostro partner potrebbe essere ingannevole

1. They’re open about using little lies or white lies

They’re perfectly okay with using fibs all the time. They don’t even find it uncomfortable having to tell a white lie, it’s simply the way they function.

Little lies are something they believe to be necessary and they don’t even consider telling the truth whenever the truth might be even slightly more complicated to deal with than a lie.

They’re obviously capable of lying with a straight face and little lies are the most natural part of their everyday life.

2. Il loro comportamento nelle relazioni passate non è stato ammirevole.

Sapete che erano soliti mentire o ingannare i loro ex partner. Chi è stato in grado di farlo una volta è quasi certamente in grado di farlo di nuovo.

It’s not necessarily true that they will do it, but you definitely have to watch out a bit more than you would with a partner who has always been open and honest in their relationships.

3. Hanno vissuto in una famiglia in cui era giusto o necessario avere dei segreti.

Si tratta di due casi diversi:

1) Il vostro partner proviene da una famiglia in cui un genitore lo ha incoraggiato a mentire all'altro genitore o alle altre persone in generale.

They think it’s okay to tell lies that seem irrelevant to them because that’s the way they were brought up.

La loro famiglia funziona così da sempre e non è mai stato insegnato loro ad essere sempre sinceri.

Their parent(s) might have told them that it’s okay to lie in order not to hurt someone or in order to avoid confrontation.

2) Il vostro partner proviene da una famiglia in cui ha dovuto sviluppare un meccanismo di coping per far fronte a genitori troppo dispotici.

Their parents wouldn’t accept that they were growing up and wanted to do certain things so they used to lie to avoid punishment or anger.

Also, it’s possible that their parents were overly aggressive and their punishments were too harsh and that’s how they taught themselves to lie in order to avoid pain.

Whenever they feel like their partner is ”trying to control” their life in any kind of way or whenever they fear their partner might disapprove of their choice, they simply omit the truth.

In both cases, lying has become so natural to them that you can’t even notice their body language change when they tell a lie.

La menzogna è stata la loro migliore amica da piccoli, e lo è ancora, quindi la usano per evitare situazioni scomode.

4. Usano continuamente bugie di omissione con gli amici, la famiglia o al lavoro.

You know that they use social lies when they communicate with their friends or family and you’re aware of how often they do it without even blinking.

If it’s perfectly okay for them to omit the truth to their friends and family, or tell any kind of lies, why do you think they won’t do it to you?

Also, if your partner’s job requires them to become used to paltering or deceiving this means two things:

1) sono ovviamente in grado di fare una cosa del genere senza preoccuparsi troppo dell'effetto che ha,

2) sooner or later, this behavior will become their habit and they will transfer it to their personal relationships if they haven’t already.

The truth is, people who are able to deceive others usually don’t choose who it is. They use deception as a tool whenever they think it’s necessary and that’s all there is to it.

5. In genere hanno difficoltà ad accettare la responsabilità delle proprie azioni.

People who don’t shy away from deception and lies usually have a problem with accepting responsibility in general.

Whatever happens, even when they’re the only ones causing an issue, it’s somehow never their fault.

There’s always a reason for their inappropriate behavior and they’re amazing when it comes to coming up with excuses.

Whenever you ask, there’ll be many complicated circumstances that led them to do something that caused you harm, but it’s never ever them who should be blamed.

6. Di solito evitano il confronto

Le persone che evitano il confronto sono più inclini a mentire per omissione. Ha perfettamente senso.

They avoid telling the truth or the complete truth for the sake of avoiding confrontation. It’s as simple as that.

Le situazioni stressanti che richiedono di discutere, dimostrare punti di vista e discutere appassionatamente sono troppo lontane dalla loro zona di comfort.

Ogni volta che pensano che un conflitto di qualsiasi tipo possa essere causato da qualcosa che hanno fatto o detto, evitano semplicemente di ammettere di averlo fatto o detto.

Non dire la verità è più facile per loro che coinvolgersi in un conflitto.

7. They don’t keep their promises

Come definireste il fare una promessa e non mantenerla? Ingannevole? Bugiardo?

Whatever you call it, it speaks of a person’s integrity, onestàe anche su quanto la loro parola significhi per loro.

If a person never commits to making their promises reality, they obviously don’t care that much about the truth of their own words.

If ignoring their promises is a regular thing for your partner, that probably means they’re willing to deceive you in other ways as well.

Una bugia, per quanto innocente possa sembrare, può davvero costare tutto a una persona. Dire anche una sola bugia getta un'ombra su tutte le verità che una persona ha detto.

People are hardly ever upset that they’ve been told one insignificant lie, they’re upset they can no longer trust the person who said it.

Always choose honesty and keep it real, it’s the only way of living and loving that makes sense.