Uscire con qualcuno che ha avuto molti partner: Un tutorial

You’re in a new relationship. Everything seems to be going great except for one thing: your new partner has a high number of past lovers. To be honest, you don’t know what to do or how to feel about this.

Si tratta di un bandiera rossa? Dovrebbe essere un punto di rottura? Influirà sulla vostra attuale relazione?

If you’re struggling with these and similar thoughts, you’ve come to the right place. Here is a step-by-step guide for dating someone who has had many partners.

7 cose da sapere prima di uscire con una persona che ha avuto molti partner

If you’re dating someone who has had many partners, here are some things to keep in mind.

1. “Many” is relative

The first thing you must keep in mind is that just because you think someone has a high number of past partners doesn’t mean they’ve actually slept with a lot of people. Non esiste una scala internazionale che stabilisca quale sia il numero eccessivo e quale quello sufficiente.

“Many” is relative in this case. I’m asking you: how many are too many? Are we talking about 10 people? 15? 20?

Cosa succede se qualcuno ritiene che un numero di cadaveri pari a cinque sia eccessivo? Allo stesso tempo, voi lo considerate accettabile.

Who are you to say that someone has slept with too many people? Who are you to judge someone’s sex life?

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is the truth.

2. It shouldn’t concern you as much as it does

At the end of the day, this shouldn’t bother you as much as it does. I mean, it’s part of their past for a reason.

Dovreste concentrarvi sul modo in cui il vostro partner vi tratta ora. Concentratevi sulla costruzione di un relazione seria con loro, invece di scavare nelle loro vecchie ferite e nei loro demoni.

If you look at things honestly, you’ll realize that their sexual past doesn’t affect your current relationship or life at all.

Does your partner love you any less because of their sexual activities before you? Do you think you’d be happier with someone who’s had fewer partners?

Credo che entrambi conosciamo la risposta a ciascuna di queste domande.

3. Apprezzare la loro onestà

Lets’s look at things this way: when you get in a new relationship, neither you nor your new partner have to talk about your numbers. This is a matter of privacy, and it’s rude to ask someone how many people they’ve slept with.

You don’t get to nag them about things that happened before you. Actually, you don’t even get to have an opinion on it.

Ma nonostante questo, il vostro SO ha deciso di confessare. Insomma, avrebbero potuto mentire sui loro numeri.

How would you know that they weren’t telling the truth? You can go through their life back and forth, through their social media, or talk to their friends, but you would still find out nothing.

Of course, something like that would make you a creep, but you see my point – they were in no way obligated to tell you the truth, especially if they knew it would cause them trouble.

So please don’t make them regret their honesty. Instead, appreciate it.

Il vostro partner sta ovviamente cercando di costruire con voi un rapporto sano basato sulla fiducia.

4. Più partner significa più esperienza

Uscire con qualcuno che ha avuto molti partner ha i suoi vantaggi. Uno dei primi è la loro esperienza sessuale.

It’s common sense – your SO has slept with numerous people. Therefore, they’ve had the chance to encounter different people with a wide range of sexual preferences.

Di conseguenza, tutto questo li ha resi amanti migliori e più abili. E chi è l'unico a beneficiare di tutta questa esperienza?

Well, isn’t it obvious? It’s you! So instead of thinking about all the ways your partner’s sexual history has “harmed” you, see it as a blessing in disguise.

You’ve got yourself someone who knows what they like in bed and isn’t afraid to ask for it. You have someone who is not afraid of experimenting and, most importantly, someone who’ll probably teach you a lot of new things in the bedroom!

5. Combattere la gelosia retroattiva

I’ll tell you what’s probably bothering you here the most: you’re struggling with gelosia retroattiva. If you don’t know what this means, let me fill you in: it’s jealousy over your partner’s past.

You’re jealous of their ex-partners, and you’re obsessed with the relationship(s) they had before you.

Well, this is something you have to fight off. I know that this is something you don’t want to hear, but this obsession is a deeper problem, regardless of your partner’s body count.

It’s one thing to essere gelosi di qualcuno con cui il vostro partner sta flirtando o parlando adesso. Anche se nemmeno questo è salutare, la gelosia retroattiva è ancora peggio.

I mean, let’s just look at things logically: you’re jealous of the people who were in your loved one’s life when you didn’t even exist. How crazy is that?

6. Problemi di salute

There is something you shouldn’t forget about when it comes to dating someone who has had many partners: your health. I don’t mean to call names, but le persone che hanno numeri più alti hanno anche un rischio più elevato di IST e malattie sessualmente trasmissibili.

It’s pure math: the more people you sleep with, the greater the chances that you run into someone who isn’t careful about their sexual health.

Ecco perché dovreste chiedere al vostro nuovo partner di fare il test prima di andarci a letto per la prima volta. Si tratta di un comportamento responsabile che dovreste adottare con ogni nuovo partner sessuale, indipendentemente dal suo passato.

There is nothing they should get offended about here – this just shows that you’re both mature adults who take care of your health the way you should.

7. Il loro passato li ha resi ciò che sono

You like this person, right? You’re even falling in love with them. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have had these concerns.

Beh, indovinate un po': everything they’ve been through (including their sexual experience) has shaped them into the person they are today. All of their serious relationships, breakups, hookups, online dating… Whatever they’ve been through, it made them who they are.

And trust me – you wouldn’t want it any differently. Why? Well, because if it weren’t for every single experience they had in the past, they wouldn’t be the person you’ve fallen in love with today.

Their past partners might have been mistakes, but they taught them some lessons. You might see their sexual history as a flaw, but you’re not perfect either.

Besides, if you love someone, you love their imperfections because they’re part of their unique personality.

3 domande da porsi quando si esce con qualcuno che ha avuto molti partner

Here’s a harsh truth: if you have a problem with the fact that your partner has slept with a lot of people, you don’t actually have a problem in your romantic relationship. You have a problem with the relationship you have with yourself.

But what is the root of that problem? Well, before answering this question, you’ll have to ask yourself these ones:

1. Fa parte del passato?

When you’re dating someone who has had many partners, you must ask yourself if they’ll continue being promiscuous. Il loro passato influisce sulla loro fedeltà nei vostri confronti? Sono in grado di avere una relazione impegnata?

If you’re certain that all of their previous partnerships are really in the past, where they belong, then what do you have to worry about?

Ancora una volta, mi permetta di ricordarle che tutto questo è accaduto prima che lei arrivasse. Dopo tutto, anche voi avete un passato e nessuno può giudicarvi per questo.

However, if you think that you’re dealing with someone who’ll continue with their sexual practices, despite being in a serious relationship with you, then you’ve got yourself a problem.

2. Di che cosa mi preoccupo?

The next question is why you’re worried about their sexual past. As harsh as this might sound, this is exclusively your problem, not theirs. And you have to dig deep inside yourself to find the cause of it.

Un ego fragile

Le vostre insicurezze sono il problema principale. Whether you like to admit it or not, you’re worried that you won’t be able to soddisfare la vostra SO come hanno fatto i loro ex.

You’re worried that you’re not as good a lover as some of them were, and you keep wondering if you’re worthy for this person to stick around.

At the same time, what concerns you is your body count as well. If you’ve slept with fewer people than your SO, you can’t help but wonder: Are you less attractive than them? Why did fewer people want to sleep with you? Are they actually out of your league?

Norme sociali

Siete preoccupati di ciò che la gente potrebbe dire? This might be especially true if you’re a man whose girlfriend has slept with many people before you.

You refuse to admit this, but deep down, you’re scared that people will laugh at you. Maybe someone will tell you that your girl is promiscuous or insult her in a worse way.

What if you come across some of the men she’s slept with? How will you look your family and buddies in the eyes if they’re familiar with your GF’s reputation?

If these questions bother you, you’ve got a deeper problem than your GF’s body count. You’re obviously a persone che piacciono che lascia che siano gli altri a dettare il proprio stile di vita.

Problemi di fiducia

Does your partner’s sexual history concern you because you don’t trust them enough? Do you think that they’ll continue sleeping around despite being in a relationship with you?

Ancora una volta, avete un questione più profonda qui. Lasciate che vi dica una cosa: potete avere una relazione con una persona vergine che vi tradirà se questa è la sua intenzione.

If there are some serious trust issues in your relationship, that is what you need to work on instead of dealing with your SO’s past.

3. Influenzerà la nostra relazione?

The main question you have to ask yourself is if this issue from the past will impact your relationship. I’m not here to judge you for being bothered by this.

However, if you think you’re not up for dating someone who has had many partners, you should be honest with your SO about it.

Things won’t change. Their past partners won’t magically vanish, and their body count won’t reduce.

Pertanto, you have to ask yourself if this is something you can live with or not. Don’t act like everything is perfectly okay, and then be resentful about it in the future.

8 motivi per cui qualcuno ha avuto una vita sentimentale movimentata

Not everyone’s high numbers are there for the same reason. And for you to understand your current partner, you have to know why they behaved as they did in the past. Here are the most common reasons someone has had many sexual relationships.

1. They’re actually emotionally unavailable

Alcuni single passano da un'avventura all'altra perché they’re commitmentphobes che in realtà hanno paura di affezionarsi troppo. Sono emotivamente non disponibile e scappano per salvarsi nel momento in cui vedono che le cose iniziano a farsi serie.

But at the same time, they have physical needs, don’t they? Well, these two things combined resulted in their high numbers.

2. O emotivamente instabile

Uscire con qualcuno che ha avuto molti partner non è un grosso problema. Tuttavia, frequentare una persona emotivamente instabile who doesn’t know what they want is an issue that should concern you.

Le persone emotivamente instabili sono in realtà alla disperata ricerca di amore. Soffrono di diversi problemi di salute mentale e traumi, e saltare da un letto all'altro è il loro modo malsano di affrontarli.

Maybe they’re healing their inner child. Nevertheless, they’re trying to get the affection and the love they lack in all the wrong ways.

Se questo è il motivo per cui qualcuno va a letto con altri, questa persona ha bisogno di una terapia.

3. Ricerca dell'unico

Se il vostro partner è andato a letto con troppe persone, it is possible that they were searching for their forever person all along. They idealized every romance they’ve gotten themselves into, thinking that this time will be different, and they’ve finally found someone to grow old with.

It’s easy for them to fall in love and even easier to fall out of love. In that case, they’re not promiscuous – you’re actually dealing with a hopeless romantic.

4. Paura di perdere qualcosa

Some people sleep around because they’re afraid to settle down. They’re scared that they’ll miss out on something and just want to take in everything life has to offer. And having sex with different people is one of those things.

They’re just living every day as if it were their last. They enjoy every breath they take. And as long as they’re not harming anyone in the process, it’s their right to live like this.

5. They don’t settle for less

Here’s another reason for a high past partnership number: refusing to settle for less. Your partner knows what they deserve, and they don’t plan on sticking with someone who can’t give them that.

So, they grew a habit of walking away at the first sign of trouble. They don’t wait for things to magically become better. Instead, they get back into the dating pool and look for the next person who will actually meet their standards.

6. They don’t connect sex with emotions

Here’s a shocking revelation: Le persone vanno a letto con altre persone semplicemente perché gli piace. Non c'è nulla di nascosto dietro a questo, nessun trauma passato, nessuna insicurezza, nessun bisogno di convalida.

They enjoy having sex, and they don’t necessarily connect it with matters of the heart.

7. They don’t care about social standards

These people usually don’t give a damn about social standards, either. They couldn’’t care less if their behavior is socially acceptable. The last thing they plan is to allow others to shape their lives.

As long as something makes them happy, they don’t care what their friends, family, or future partners will have to say about it. They’re just out there, living their best lives, enjoying themselves while doing so!

8. They haven’t had a long-term relationship

Let’s look at things this way: you can be in one long-term relationship for five years. During that time, you’ve slept with your committed partner, which means your body count for five years was one.

But not everyone was so fortunate. How many dates, situationships, short relationships, and hookups have people who weren’t able to build a serious relationship (regardless of the reasons) had during this period of five years?

In questo modo, avrete una ragione nascosta dietro il loro elevato numero di morti.

Il numero di partner precedenti è importante?

If you’re dealing with a self-aware and self-confident partner, the number of your potential partners will not matter to them. Questa persona saprà lasciare il passato nel passato senza guardare indietro a cose che nessuno può cambiare.

And this is exactly how you should look at your number of sexual partners if you’re not happy with it. Quel che è fatto è fatto e non ha assolutamente senso piangere sul latte versato.

Therefore, the number of past relationships your romantic partner has had shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. The only thing that should concern you is your current relationship!

Quanti fidanzati passati sono troppi?

Secondo alcune ricerche, la maggior parte degli uomini ha detto che oltre il numero 15 ci sono troppi fidanzati. Tuttavia, non esiste una risposta universale a questa domanda perché dipende da più fattori.

Quanti anni hai? It’s one thing if you’ve had 15 boyfriends by the age of 20 and something else if you’ve reached 40 years of age with this number.

Dove è nato e cresciuto? Different countries and different societies have different unwritten rules about people’s sexual needs and sexual history.

Era impegnato in una relazione di coppia? Quanto è durata? O saltavi da una relazione all'altra alla ricerca di quella giusta?

Of course, there are many other elements, but the only thing that matters is how you feel about your number of past lovers. If you think it’s too many, maybe it’s time to slow down!

È giusto avere molti partner?

Non c'è nulla di male nell'avere molti partner sessuali o di coppia.. First of all, there is no defined number of people you’re allowed to sleep with. Secondly, as long as you’re not harming anyone, why would it not be ok to sleep with anyone you want?

The last thing you need is social approval on things you do in the privacy of your own bedroom. So please, don’t let anyone shame you for your sexual history!

What matters when you have more sex partners is to take care of your health. First and foremost, that means practicing safe sex. Only sleep with people who take regular tests for STDs and STIs, and don’t forget to do the same!

But this also includes taking care of your emotional and mental health. It’s one thing if you are sleeping with multiple people because you really want to. However, if you’re doing this to heal your insecurities or gain validation from the opposite sex, you have a problem.

Come si chiama una persona che ha più amanti?

Se qualcuno ha più di un partner o amante allo stesso tempo, they’re polyamorous. Naturalmente, questa è la definizione per le persone in un relazione aperta or for people in more than one romantic relationship where everyone involved knows what’s going on. Anything else is cheating.

D'altra parte, se una persona ha avuto un numero significativo di amanti durante tutta la sua storia di appuntamenti o ha l'abitudine di saltare da un letto all'altro, è promiscua.

Keep in mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with either of these terms as long as polyamorous or promiscuous people are not cheating on anyone and are being honest and fair towards everyone they’re involved with.

Per concludere:

As open-minded as we’re all trying to be, Nessuno può contestare il fatto che uscire con qualcuno che ha avuto molti partner può essere impegnativo. La vostra mente continua a dirvi che non ha nulla a che fare con voi e che non c'è motivo di essere gelosi, ma il vostro cuore e il vostro ego raccontano una storia diversa.

E questo è il punto in cui dovete essere la persona matura e decidere chi è il vincitore: la logica o la vostra fragile autostima? If you have a problem with deciding this, I’m sorry, but you have a problem with the relationship you have with yourself.

And that is much more serious than all the problems you think you have with your partner’s dating history!