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You Kept Asking Me to Fix You But You Broke Me To The Point Where I Had To Fix Myself

You Kept Asking Me to Fix You But You Broke Me To The Point Where I Had To Fix Myself

It’s funny how you were the best thing that happened to me and the worst thing that happened to me at the same time. I tasted true happiness when I was with you and all the bitterness that pain can bring you too.

We had a good run for a while there. I guess beginnings are usually perfect like that. I was so serene, so incredibly happy. To be honest, I was scared how happy I was. At first, I thought it was because I didn’t know how to enjoy my happiness. Then again, it could have been that something was off. Maybe my intuition was warning me but I remember discarding that thought in an instant. I should have stuck to that little voice inside my head telling me something was wrong.

I always felt sorry for those poor girls who were manipulated by their boyfriends. They seemed so incredibly naive. They would trust every lie they were served. Little did I know that you would turn me into one of them.

But you did. I was as blind as they come because I loved you. You started to change and all those happy moments faded so quickly that I didn’t even realize what was happening.

Our relationship was progressing really fast and that was mostly on your own initiative.You talked about commitment, having a cozy, little apartment that would be our sanctuary. We got to the point of naming our future children when I realized we were really getting ahead of ourselves.

I wanted to slow down but you reassured me that it was all normal, that you were not like all the other men, that you were more affectionate and sure of your decisions. You showed me your wounds. You opened up to me and I loved you more for it.

I had no idea you would use that against me. You made me feel responsible for your feelings. It was really hard to handle. I just wanted to be the most important person in your life, I never asked to be in charge of your feelings. It was never my place to do so.

You started lying to the point that it made me question my sanity. You would say one thing one day and something completely different the next. We would make plans to see each other and all of a sudden you would say we never even talked about it.

At first, I thought I got it wrong. I must have heard some things wrong. Maybe I forgot. Maybe you forgot. But after a while, I realized what was happening. Every time you didn’t want to do something or to be blamed for something, you would blame it all on me and my poor memory.

There were so many situations in which you manipulated me into thinking I was the main culprit. You were a textbook example of an emotional manipulator and I couldn’t see it until you drained me completely.

It was all on my shoulders. Then again, there were a lot of moments in-between where I felt truly happy being with you but those moments were never long-lasting as some new trouble would always arise. You would create drama in a split second when there was really no need for any kind of reaction.

Usually, people say it was one big moment that made the difference. One moment where they chose to be happy and let go of the person who was not right for them. For me, it was millions of little, extremely painful moments. Till that tiniest one of them all that made me finally let you go. I just couldn’t stay anymore.

It’s like you pulled my emotions into an emotional black hole and there was no exiting it. You just kept wanting more. I couldn’t stand being accused of the reason for your poor mood or your poor behavior. You were so used to relying on me, I was so used to being there for you, but I couldn’t ever expect you to do the same. I had to go.

You kept asking me to fix you but you brought me to the point where I had to fix myself. That’s what I am doing now. Fixing and  building myself back up again, brick by brick.