Although I have numerous doubts regarding my life, there is one thing I am certain of and that is my love for you. I love you and there is nothing to be done about it.
I love you, as much as I try to fight it and as much as I am very well aware I shouldn’t love you.
I love you, despite everything this love I feel for you is doing to me and to my life.
And that is something I have no trouble admitting to myself nor telling you.
But just because I love you, it doesn’t mean I’ve lost my mind completely. It doesn’t mean I’ve become blind and that I’ve stopped seeing reality.
Just because I love you, it doesn’t mean I can’t judge things properly. It doesn’t mean I’ve ceased to be realistic and it definitely doesn’t mean I can’t see things clearly as they are.
Because I can.
And as much as I want this to be a lie, I know very well that you don’t love me back.
At least, not the way I need, want and deserve to be loved. And at least, not the way I love you.
And as much as I love you and as much as I would like for things to be different, the truth is that I am very well aware that you are not the man for me.
Yes, I love you unconditionally, which means I love your flaws, as well, because they are a part of who you are. But it doesn’t mean I don’t see them and it doesn’t mean I think you are perfect.
Because let’s face it—you are far from perfect.
But I am not asking you to be perfect. I would just like for you to be a little bit different in your behavior towards me.
I would just like for you to treat me a little bit differently—for you to be less selfish, to be more empathic, to be less narcissistic, manipulative and egocentric.
But now I see that even this is too much for you. Now I see that you can’t and won’t change and that there is nothing I can do about it.
Now I see that my love for you is ruining my life. Now I see that it is damaging me in every sense—that it has ruined me physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I know love is the most positive and beautiful emotion there is. And I know it should make your life better.
But somehow, my love for you is making me feel completely the opposite.
It is making me feel miserable and pathetic. It is making me feel depressed and these are the last emotions love should provoke inside of a person.
At first, I blamed you for all the things I’ve been feeling. I blamed you for not loving me enough, for not treating me the way I deserved and for hurting my feelings every day all over again.
And then it hit me and I realized that you weren’t actually to blame. Yes, you’ve always been an asshole and there is no doubt about that.
But that is your choice. The same way I chose to love that asshole and the same way I chose not to walk away from that asshole.
As much as I would like to take all the blame off me, the truth is that you never forced me into being with you and you never forced me into staying with you.
And most of all, you never forced me into loving you and into allowing this love to take over my life.
So no, I don’t want you to think I blame you for making my life harder. Because I don’t. And I don’t want you to blame yourself for that either.
Because I know you are not the one ruining my life. I know my love for you is doing it all by itself.
Because I know my life would be much better if I could just find a way to stop loving you. I know that I would be much happier if that happened and I know I would feel much better about myself.
And that is why I pray to God every night to make that happen. That is why I want to kill this love I feel for you before it kills me.