Dear “Undestined Love”,
I remember the first time we met. I didn’t like you that much. It was weird. I didn’t like you but I had the unbearable need to be around you.
Every little thing you said got on my nerves. Every little thing you did, annoyed me. But still, I wanted to be around you.
Maybe that should have been my first clue not to meddle with you. But I never listen to what my life has to say. If I want something, I’ll take it at all costs.
And I wanted you…
So, I got you…
It’s crazy though—we were really meant to be. We were equals, we listened to the same music, we had the same desires, and we shared the same dream. We were simply meant to be—perfect for each other!
The only problem was me.
Then, we had the chance to walk away from each other if we didn’t agree on something. Back then, you couldn’t see my faults and I couldn’t see yours.
We were young and foolish, thinking that what we had was enough—thinking it was all there is to it. But of course, it wasn’t.
We realized that when we got married and we started living together. That is when the real problems started arising. That is when real life hit us hard, right in the face. That is when we learned what it truly means to be a grown-up.
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You realized I had some problems. Heck, I realized I had some problems. In the past, nothing could have made me stay in the same place and with the same person if I didn’t want to for any reason. Up to this point—a point with you—I was able to run away every time my f**ked up psyche kicked in.
This time I didn’t want to run away but I had to. Something, buried deep inside me, made me run away, sad to be leaving you.
I never realized I always laid the blame on others when it was me all the time. And while all of this kept happening I always had the ticket out—with no attachments and no regrets.
But now I had you. I loved you. I still do. But I can’t be with you.
I will ruin your life. I will unconsciously prevent you from living your dream because I’m too selfish. I really tried to get it out of my head but I simply can’t. It is eating me alive and I can’t help it. I’m aware of it and yet I can’t make it go away.
I can’t understand the old soul you are. Hardly anyone can understand you. But, I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming others and especially me for being so narrow-minded—for not being able to appreciate the beautiful person you are. That’s why I have to let you go because I’m slowly ruining your life. I don’t want that.
Maybe one day you will find someone who knows how to act around you and with you—someone who knows how to love you and not to cause you pain at the same time. That someone is not me. I love you but my love is hurting you really badly.
I see it every day. I see it in the way you behave. You’re unhappy. We both are. We love each other but we are unhappy. Talk about irony…
How is something like that even possible?
My love, I’m writing you this with tears in my eyes and an endless storm in my head. Forgive me my love for causing you pain; I was simply trying to love you.
But, I failed.
I will never stop loving you. I’m sorry.