Most likely, somebody you care for was hurt in the past. Somebody you love and want to help has a deep mark of the past and is carrying it constantly, even now in the present, and you want to help.
You wonder how I know you want to help? If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article now, would you?
Now that we have that covered, let’s talk about the things you need to know in order to understand the state of mind of the person you’re trying to help.
Abandonment issues are not something that’s observed as an illness, but they most definitely are huge problems we too often neglect. We don’t really take them seriously until we enter a relationship with somebody and all the issues start projecting in that relationship.
What many people fail to understand is the fact that abandonment issues aren’t only associated with parental abandonment.
They can also be consequences of parental neglect, the death of someone really close to that person, the pain of loneliness after a best friend has moved away, and most frequently, they’re consequences of being rejected by someone he or she loved.
These are the kind of scars we wear for a long time, not being aware we have issues in the first place.
We keep rushing through life without taking a minute to see if we’re actually feeling fine and doing what we should be doing.
At first, when we first enter a relationship, we tend to look at everything through rose-colored glasses.
We are unable to notice anything but those cute things a person does for us, but when our butterflies that keep flying in our stomach eventually fade away, reality sweeps in.
After we take off our rose-colored glasses, signs of abandonment issues might be displayed clearly, and only then we’re able to notice the behavior of the person that has a fear of abandonment.
A person with abandonment issues will most likely project his fears through extreme jealousy or clingy behavior in a romantic relationship.
(S)he will have the tendency to pretend they don’t care about somebody when they, in reality, do.
Also, it’s common for people with abandonment issues to reject their partners before their partner rejects them.
Because of the fear of being abandoned, they choose to abandon first and “save” themselves from another painful, life event.
Another way to spot the person with abandonment issues is to observe the person that is desperately trying to make a lot of friends in order to never be alone.
Extreme insecurity and constant underestimating will also be strong characteristics of the person that is afraid of being left.
The ultimate sign of one’s abandonment issues are anxiety and depression, and how many people do you know who are struggling with depression and anxiety?
All the characteristics of the person who has abandonment issues are the result of inadequate physical or emotional care.
At some point, people struggling with the fear of abandonment were left alone in the times when they actually needed somebody to hold their hands while they walk through the storms life sent them.
Don’t be mistaken—sometimes a person with abandonment issues won’t put his feelings on display.
He might be the loudest person in the room, the biggest party maniac, or even the person that laughs the loudest in your circle of friends. You need to look beyond the mask to see the real person.
You know, you could just leave. You could spare yourself and just leave.
Save yourself all the effort and work that is needed when entering a relationship with somebody who has abandonment issues.
You could end it before it began, and go live your life. Nobody is going to hold that against you or judge you.
The last thing a person with abandonment issues needs is for you to leave him right when he gets used to having you around.
But if you’re not a quitter, you really care for the person that has abandonment issues, and you want to make things work between the two of you, you need to know how what it takes to get you two comfortable around each other.
See also: 10 Signs You Are Dating A Broken Man
The first step in helping somebody with abandonment issues is actually in recognizing the problem. If you want to date a person that is scared of being left, you need to make him open up to you. He needs to tell you what really happened in his or her life so you can see the original roots of those fears.
The second step in helping somebody with abandonment issues is making that somebody comfortable to talk openly with you. Once the person has shared the story of what happened in his life that made him like that, you’ll be able to talk about it whenever the problem between the two of you pops out.
If he gets too clingy or if the jealousy starts swimming to the surface, you’ll have all the freedom to mention what happened in his past and remind him not to project it on your relationship.
The third step is helping the person with abandonment issues to develop more positive reactions and realistic expectations for his life. If you’re dating somebody with abandonment issues, you must know by now that they tend to see many things negatively and pessimistically. He also tends to set unrealistic expectations in his life, and this is all because he once expected something and it didn’t really go as he planned.
He expected somebody to be there for him. He expected the people closest to him to care, and they didn’t.
Therefore, he got lost. And you’re the only one that cares enough to help him get his life back on track.
The fourth step is helping the person with the fear of abandonment to develop the ability to minimize the way fear controls his emotional response to the current relationship. You’ll have to remind him that you’re not the one he needs to be afraid of. You’re not the one that left him, and you’re not the one that’s going to leave.
The fifth step in helping the person with abandonment issues is making him comfortable to successfully communicate his needs in an intimate relationship. In fact, both of you will need to tell each other what you need and in the right way.
This is different from the second step because in the second step, you’re making each other comfortable to talk about your past in the first place, and now you’re getting comfortable to share each other’s needs. For example, he’ll tell you when he is feeling threatened by that guy and that he needs you to stop hanging so much with him, and you’ll be able to tell him that you need him to stop being so clingy in order to gain back your ‘me’ time.
And the sixth step in helping your partner overcome his abandonment fears in order for you to have a healthy and functional relationship is building your partner’s confidence. When you date somebody, you get full insights into his insecurities and as you could’ve guessed, a person with abandonment issues has a lot of those.
If your partner has fears of being abandoned, it means his confidence is on a really low level. He won’t be able to build it up alone—he is going to need your help.
You are the one that needs to show him he has nothing to be afraid of.
You’re the one that needs to constantly remind him what an amazing and caring person he is and how he needs to trust himself a little bit more.
Once you help him overcome this and build his self-confidence, it’s going to be like you’re dating a reborn version of your partner.
There will be no more projecting his fears. There will be no more fights because he is jealous. You’ll be finally able to breathe in that relationship.
It won’t be easy. It’s going to require a lot of work. It’s going to be emotional, it’s going to be painful, and many times you’ll think about giving up.
When this happens, instead of giving up, try to remember why you even decided to help in the first place.
When this happens, think about where you want to be and how far have you come. And don’t give up. Because it’s going to pay off in the end.
Thanks to you, thanks to your care and your devotion, you’re going to get both of you and your relationship to a healthy level where you’ll be able to live your life to the fullest.
You’ll get to the level where nothing will be holding back nor your love or your life. And if this final goal isn’t worth your effort, I don’t know what is.