“I remember her complaining before about some things that made her unhappy, but now my wife wants a divorce!
Never did I think that it would come to this, and now that it has, I have no idea what to do or what to say to her.”
If these or similar thoughts are running through your head at the moment, don’t worry – you’re not alone.
Marriage problems are often overlooked by spouses and a broken marriage doesn’t become broken overnight.
The fact that you’ve decided to seek virtual assistance speaks volumes about your determination and will to understand why she wants a divorce and what you can do (or avoid doing) to get your wife back.
Signing divorce papers is easy, but fighting to save a marriage is something only a real man does (assuming he still cares about her).
As always, before getting to the core point and building a strategy, the first thing you need to do is understand why all this is happening, because a problem defined is a problem halved!
Understanding Why Your Wife Wants A Divorce
There are many possible reasons why, after some years of marriage, a spouse might start thinking about getting a divorce.
A once loving relationship turns into a bad dream that you want to wake up from if going through a divorce process or custody arrangement is not an option for you.
Here are the most possible (and common) reasons why your wife might want a divorce:
1. Boredom
Boredom is the number one enemy when it comes to any type of a relationship. The boredom process goes something like this:
The highlight of your day / week is chilling on the couch watching Netflix, and the only time you surprise each other is when you accidentally leave the dishes when it is your turn to wash them.
You can’t remember the last time you did something fun together and you no longer pay attention to the little things that matter (hugging, kissing goodbye, etc.).
And that is when a woman (or both spouses) starts feeling like something is missing, like something is utterly wrong because she’s no longer excited about being married.
Their exciting marriage has fallen into a rut and they’re no longer happy.
This is especially true for women. You need to think of your wife as a flower.
In order for her to flourish and be happy, you need to shower her with your love, affection, and attention, and you need to keep pursuing her.
Otherwise, she’ll get bored and she will start thinking about finding those things somewhere else, which is the main reason why she might suggest getting a divorce.
2. Negative external influence
In every marriage, there are two kinds of pressure: internal and external.
Internal is about what is happening between the two of you in your marriage, whereas external denotes everything that’s happening outside your marriage (which you cannot influence).
For example, a negative external influence would be your spouse’s family member, a friend, or someone close who is not fond of you.
The truth is, we cannot get everyone to like us and there will always be people who will think that we’re not the right choice for their sister, brother, or friend.
Perhaps that’s exactly what’s happening with you at the moment.
If you know that there is someone (or a few of) who doesn’t really like you, chances are they will pressure her to file for divorce.
And there are two reasons for it:
• They think you’re incapable of making her happy and that you’re not good for her
• They want to make you feel bad (because they don’t like you)
Usually, it’s a mix of the two, so they become determined to do anything in their power to convince her that getting a divorce is the right decision.
They convince her that they’re worried about her well-being and so on.
It’s hard to fight against an external influence, but if you’re determined to get her back, you will have to convince her (and not them) that getting a divorce is not the right decision.
Related: My Wife Loves Me But Doesn’t Desire Me: 8 Reasons Why And What To Do
3. Disappointment
Another common reason why your wife might want a divorce is that she is feeling disappointed.
Now, disappointment is often connected with the things you haven’t done that you thought that you would, or with something that you promised her but failed to deliver.
Disappointment is a strong emotion that can change our whole perspective on someone we once loved and believed in.
So, it’s time to start reminiscing about your marriage and search for any clue of you making promises and disappointing her.
Did you promise her that you would start working on your bad habits, but you didn’t?
Did you tell her that you would spend more of your free time with her, but you didn’t?
Did you promise her that you would help her out with all those household chores, but you didn’t?
As a woman, I can tell you one thing: When you promise something to a woman, she will remember it.
She will hope that you haven’t forgotten what you said to her and she will wait, until she reaches the point where she won’t wait anymore.
Perhaps your wife has reached that point, so it’s time to ask yourself whether you’ve disappointed her one way or another, because if you have, you will have to redeem yourself (if you don’t want to lose her).
4. Infidelity
Infidelity is, undoubtedly, one of the most powerful destroyers of a marriage.
It destroys trust, the connection between spouses, and everything they’ve built so far.
If it is you that has been unfaithful, then you probably already know the reason why your wife wants a divorce.
Even if you’ve done it on impulse and you regret doing it, it still cannot be justified.
Dealing with the consequences of infidelity can turn into a painful, long process, but it’s inevitable if you want to get her back.
You need to convince her that you feel terrible for what you’ve done, you need to apologize from the heart, and promise to her that you will give your best to be a better man.
You have to repeat all that a few times if you want her to even consider trusting you again.
More importantly, you need to show her that she can trust you and that you won’t hurt her again.
If it is her who has been unfaithful, and you suspect that she wants a divorce because she’s in love with another man, there’s not much you can do about it.
You can be the best version of yourself and if she still doesn’t see it, then you probably shouldn’t bother fighting to save your marriage.
It takes two to tango, remember? It also takes two to save a marriage.
5. “Lack of love”
Your first date was exciting, your relationship was fulfilling, and you enjoyed every single moment of your marriage.
It was evident to everyone around you that you were crazy in love with each other.
It’s just that romantic energy that you ooze and it is seen in your every word and action.
And then, there comes a time when all this suddenly changes or disappears into thin air.
She’s acting weird half of the time, you no longer show affection to each other, you don’t say nice things to each other, and you no longer ooze that same romantic energy as before.
The first thing that comes to your mind is: She doesn’t love me anymore. Yup.
The reason why my wife wants a divorce is because she doesn’t love me anymore.
Or perhaps you don’t love her either? Or you think that the real reason for your broken marriage is the lack of love, when it is actually a lack of something else which, whendiscovered, would change the whole situation between the two of you.
Perhaps you need some time and space for yourself to refresh, contemplate your marriage, and start working on finding a solution for the state you’re in.
As you can see, I put the term “Lack of love” in quotations for a reason because this might be true, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be.
Marriage counseling is a great place to start to help you realize whether a lack of love is an actual problem in your marriage or if it is something else.
She believes happiness is far away from you at the moment!
All the above reasons about why your wife might want a divorce can be summarized into one – and that is her believing that happiness is far away from you at the moment.
Whatever the reason for her wanting a divorce, the background of it and the side effect of the reason is feeling unhappy.
It’s the emotion or lack of emotion that puts us into a state where we no longer feel wanted, loved, or taken care of.
And that’s when we convince ourselves that nothing will ever be the same, and that no matter what you do or say, you will always feel miserable and your marriage is doomed.
When we lose hope, we start doing things we normally wouldn’t.
We start thinking that ending a relationship or getting a divorce is the only way out and the only solution.
Well, sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn’t. If two people still care about each other, respect each other, and are willing to work on their marriage, then anything is possible.
You need to remind her that happiness is not far away from you, but that it is still here and the only way to activate it is by making an effort and having a willingness to make things better!
See also: How To Fix A Broken Marriage: A 15-Step Rescue Plan
“My Wife Wants A Divorce, How Can I Get Her Back?”
Now that we’re done with all the possible reasons why your wife might want a divorce, it’s time to see what you can do to change her mind and get her back.
Remember that this is a process that requires patience and determination.
The results might not be seen immediately, but if you do everything right, you will get the best possible outcome (or the one that is bound to happen):
1. Listen to her and evaluate your marriage
The number one mistake every spouse who is trying to get their wife/husband back makes, is thinking that talking will help them fix everything.
While talking is useful, listening is even better.
Instead of forcing your own agenda and trying to prove that she’s wrong, listen to her.
Because if you listen to her, you will learn so much about the real reason why she wants a divorce in the first place.
You need to open all of your senses and turn off your judging mode.
When she tells you everything that’s on her mind and how she feels about your marriage, put yourself in her shoes and try to see things from a different perspective.
Sometimes, when we’re solely occupied with our own thinking, we forget to see and feel what the other person is going through.
If you don’t listen to her, you won’t know what needs to be changed or fixed.
You need to acknowledge your mistakes (if there are any) and promise that you’ll start working on them.
You need to evaluate your marriage and focus on every aspect of it to be able to save it.
So, instead of only talking, try listening and contemplating.
2. Apologize (if needed) and work on yourself
If you’ve done something bad or if you’ve neglected her, acknowledge it and apologize for it.
Promise her, and most importantly, promise yourself that you will start working on becoming the best version of yourself.
This includes both aspects of you (internal and external; both your mind and appearance).
Make positive changes within you and around you, read self-help articles/books and seek professional help and advice if needed.
Remember that the real change comes from within, so if you want your spouse back, you have to start working on yourself.
A happy marriage is not only about effort, sacrifice, and compromise, it’s also about constantly evolving.
If you become stagnant, you attract negative things and your marriage becomes stagnant as well. It becomes broken.
So, it’s time to wake up and see how you can improve yourself. It’s time to become active!
If you want to save your marriage and prove to your spouse that you’re the same man she once fell in love with, you have to show that you care.
And the easiest way to show that you care is by making an effort to improve things and invest in your marriage.
There are so many things you can invest in your marriage and the most important one is time.
Investing time means being present and being willing to take the role of a husband that she deserves!
3. Give her some space
This is one of the most important things that many spouses often forget.
Yes, your wife wants a divorce because that’s what she’s told you, but she didn’t tell you that she also wants some space.
When she mentioned the word divorce, you probably froze instantly and you couldn’t think of anything else but asking her one too many questions. You couldn’t help but feel disappointed, mad, and helpless.
When you feel that way, you’re at higher risk of doing something stupid and accelerating the whole divorce process.
So, the wisest thing to do in such a situation is to give her some space to think because that’s exactly what she needs at the moment.
If you force her, nag her, or beg her, you will make things even worse, and you don’t want that, right?
So, control yourself, and by giving her some space and time show her that you’re a mature man who respects her.
That’s exactly what she wants and needs! And if you want to get her back, you have to give her what she wants and needs.
You have to show her that you’re compassionate and that you understand her.
4. Continue living
As already mentioned, the moment you realize the harsh truth that your wife wants a divorce, your life probably feels like it has stopped and you can’t come to your senses.
All you can think is: What have I done wrong? I thought we were happy (at least I hoped we were)?
How can I make things right? I hope she’s not serious about all this divorce stuff because I definitely wouldn’t survive that.
Now, if you want your wife back, you have to get rid of this negative mindset and continue living! If you’re constantly acting or feeling like a dead man, your wife will be even more determined to end things with you.
I mean, who wants to be with such a man?
Nothing personal, but I certainly wouldn’t (and I doubt that any woman would).
You have to show her that you’re stable, that you understand what’s going on, that you accept it, and that you’re ready to start working and making things right.
Anything else would make you look like a cry baby and that’s the last thing you want.
You will get your wife back once she sees what a powerful and determined man you are, so make sure to act like one.
5. Be the man she once fell in love with
Think about the first time you saw her, went on a date with her, made love with her… Think about how you felt about her and your relationship back then.
Think about how you treated her, how you tried hard to make her feel special and so on.
When you think of all that, what do you see? Do you see your wife smiling and oozing with happiness? I bet you do.
You see, many men stop pursuing their wives once they tie the knot.
They start acting like they’ve finally won her and now all they have to do is enjoy the prize and boast about it.
They forget that they have to keep chasing her, keep making her feel special, and showering her with romantic gestures.
Because if they don’t, they will most surely lose her. She will start feeling neglected and she will know that they’re not the same man she once fell in love with.
So, be that man! Be the man she once fell in love with. Continue pursuing her like you did when you’d just met her and that’s the only way you’ll win her and keep her.
6. Communicate, but NEVER argue
Many people don’t differentiate these two concepts because there’s a thin line between communicating and arguing.
It’s really easy to switch modes without even being aware of it.
I know I said that you should give her some space, but this doesn’t mean cutting all contact with her.
You shouldn’t completely ignore her existence or avoid communication.
When you feel that the time is right, initiate a conversation, but only if you see that she’s not mad or stressed out.
Ask her about how she feels about the whole thing, ask her what she would change in your marriage, and let her know that you’re willing to cooperate.
Communicate and listen to her, but never argue. I put the word argue in bold for a reason and the reason is that arguing makes things even worse.
Arguing is an immature way of dealing with a problem, and you’re not an immature man.
You’re a mature, grown ass man who is ready to listen to her, find a solution, and start working on making things better.
If you’re kind of sceptical about it, then repeat the previous sentence in the first-person until it kicks in and you start believing it.
See also: 5 Effective Ways To Put The Old Spark Back Into Your Marriage
Things You Should Never Do If You Want Your Wife Back
To help you avoid making mistakes or making things even worse, here is a list of things you should never do if you want your wife back (so make sure to memorize it well):
1. Begging, nagging, or pressuring her
As I’ve already mentioned, you should avoid any behaviour or communication that includes elements of begging, nagging, or pressuring her.
If you beg her, nag her, or pressure her to stay, she will become even more determined to leave.
It’s how human beings operate. If someone gives us an ultimatum or begs us to do something, we immediately start feeling threatened and we become protective of our freedom.
Healthy communication and understanding is the way to go!
2. Acting needy
If you ask me, acting needy is even worse than begging or nagging.
Acting needy includes acting like a little, sad puppy or even crying in front of her to make her feel bad about the whole thing.
It’s like begging for compassion, which is really a cheap strategy when it comes to getting someone back.
Immature men act needy, but mature men have self-respect.
3. Idealizing yourself or your marriage
Idealizing means listing all the positive things about you or your marriage to convince her that she’s making a mistake.
It’s important to understand that a perfect person or a perfect marriage doesn’t exist, so listing only the positive things is not a legit thing to do.
It’s always better to acknowledge both positive and negative sides and then start working on improving them.
4. Involving your family, friends or others
And, please, don’t use your family or friends as middlemen to encourage your spouse to stay with you.
Don’t go to your mother-in-law, or to a mutual friend and ask them to convince your wife that she is making a mistake.
This is a matter for you and her (it’s your marriage) and you shouldn’t involve other people.
(And if your wife finds out what you did, she definitely won’t be happy.)
5. Creeping on her
When you start overthinking something, there’s a high chance you’ll come to false conclusions.
You might start thinking that she’s doing something behind your back and that’s the reason why she wants a divorce.
You might start creeping on her and following her every move thinking you’ll catch her in the act of doing something sinful, but the chances are that you won’t.
So, whatever you do, don’t creep on her and don’t play detective.
Otherwise, she’ll most probably notice it and get annoyed.
6. Showering her with expensive gifts
Showering your wife with expensive gifts will not get your wife back (unless she’s a gold digger).
Joking aside, now is not the time to waste your money on gifts, but to invest in yourself.
The greatest gift to her would be you working on yourself and not an expensive watch or something else.
Things are just things. They don’t have the capacity to compensate for what’s lacking in your marriage.
7. Manipulating her
Telling your wife that you’ll do something terrible if she leaves you is one of the most annoying and horrible things you could do.
Manipulating someone to stay with you is the lowest thing one could do.
So, don’t do it. No matter how desperate you are, don’t play tricks on her and don’t play with her.
Again, show her that you’re a real man, and not a boy.
8. Going wild
I understand that going wild sometimes will seem like the only reasonable thing to do, but trust me, it’s not.
Even if she takes off her wedding ring, don’t go wild. Just because she’s taken it off for the time being, it doesn’t mean she cannot put it back on.
Think rationally and don’t let your negative emotions imprison you!
Show understanding, keep working on yourself, and don’t push her.
Do your best and hope for the best. And remember that she has to change her mind by herself. Manipulating her or nagging won’t help.
When you know you’ve done your best, there’s nothing you should feel bad about.
Sometimes, things work out and sometimes they don’t. In case they don’t, no fault divorce is the best option. Good luck!
See also: 15 Men Reveal The Exact Moment In Which They Knew That Divorce Was Their Only Option
