Okay, it’s time to be honest with yourself. How many times have you thought about the following: My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me?
No, you’re not crazy. This is something that happens often in marriages and there is more than one reason for that. These reasons could, but are not exclusively, be linked with you and your behavior.
Love and sexual desire are two different concepts, so yes, it’s possible for your wife to love you but not desire you (at least for the time being). Worry not, today we’ll go through all the possible reasons behind this phenomenon and we’ll also find some bulletproof solutions.
Ready, steady, GO!
My Wife Loves Me But Doesn’t Desire Me: 8 Reasons Why
Understanding why your wife loves you but doesn’t desire you might be crucial when it comes to saving your marriage. After all, you cannot know how to fix the issue if you don’t understand what exactly is happening in your partner’s head. That being said, here are the most common reasons why you feel like your wife doesn’t desire you:
1. Underlying relationship problems
I have a few questions for you: When was the last time you had physical contact with your wife? Do you think she’s no longer attracted to you? Are there any problems in your marriage? Well, that’s something many married couples deal with at some point.
Actually, there are two types of married couples: Those who deal with marriage problems immediately and those who prefer sweeping them under the rug. If you do the latter, your marriage problems become underlying problems that can cause a lack of attraction and low sex drive.
So, if you notice that your wife no longer desires you as before and your relationship is abounding with underlying issues, then you have the answer to your question.
After you deal with all of the marriage problems, your (read: your wife’s) attraction levels will be restored, which should definitely be one of your goals in marriage.
2. Pregnancy and hormonal changes after birth
My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me. How could that be the case? Is your marriage over? Hmm… Is your wife pregnant or did she give birth recently? Pregnancy and hormonal changes after birth can influence so many things including her attraction toward you.
We all know that women can have some weird food cravings during pregnancy, they have to deal with frequent mood swings, fatigue, swollen breasts, nausea, you name it. Now imagine that you’re in her shoes. Would you feel the same level of desire toward your wife as before?
Chances are high you wouldn’t. Well, that’s exactly how she feels right now if she’s pregnant. Also, hormonal changes after birth can lower her libido which means she won’t desire to be physically intimate for some time.
Additionally, female body and mind changes after marriage either way and these changes are not solely related to pregnancy and giving birth.
I bet every single mother on this planet agrees with the following statement: Being a full-time mother is an exhausting job. No matter how many kids you have, at the end of the day, you’re done.
So, the last thing you can think of is being physically intimate with your husband. Right, mothers?
Don’t get me wrong. Kids are the greatest thing that can ever happen to someone but they require lots of time and devotion, which can sometimes negatively reflect on your marriage.
By this, I mean that the whole focus is on kids (especially when they’re very young) which leaves little to no space for consuming your marriage as a husband and wife.
Yes, kids are a synonym for unconditional love but they can also be a synonym for stress and sleep deprivation = low libido and overall desire for intimacy.
4. Having incompatible needs in a relationship
Lack of intimacy in a long-term relationship or marriage could also mean that partners have incompatible needs. In other words, what your wife desires might not be what you desire and vice versa.
Perhaps she wants to be showered with romantic gestures and cuddles for hours while you’re more focused on physical intimacy in marriage.
That is why communication is necessary for establishing a healthy relationship.
If you continue insisting on one type of intimacy when your wife craves another, you’ll never be on the same page. Incompatible needs can only be fixed by talking about your wants and needs in marriage.
5. Higher levels of stress on a daily basis
Stress is known as the main culprit for all kinds of health conditions including lack of desire. If your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, it’s not necessarily because she’s not attracted to you. The main culprit could be stress on a daily basis.
I understand that being in a sexless marriage is not something you subscribed to but it can happen to anyone. The most important thing is that your wife still loves you. When you’re sure of that, everything else will just fall into place eventually.
If you notice that your wife is struggling to finish all her daily tasks (including her job, cooking, and other household chores), offer her help. Think of the ways in which you could reduce her stress levels. You can also do this by giving her a massage and similar.
6. Falling into a rut
Whenever you think of the following sentence: My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me, think about how fun your marriage actually is. Boring sex life, repeating the same activities over and over again and similar can result in a lack of excitement.
When that happens, one thing is for sure: You’re slowly but surely falling into a rut. What happens in “the land of the rut”? You start losing the initial desire for one another and your spark starts fading.
Needless to say, this is one of the most common reasons why partners (or a partner) start feeling like something is wrong with their marriage. And they couldn’t be more right!
Here’s one of the best pieces of marriage advice ever: Marriage is like a plant that requires constant watering in order to keep flourishing. If you want your marriage to flourish, you need to keep maintaining the excitement.
This means going on dates, and doing all those special things for one another you used to do before. More on that you can read below.
7. She no longer finds you attractive
My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me. How many times have you thought about that one sentence? I bet one too many. Do you think your wife no longer finds you attractive? Hmm…
Actually, this could also be the case. If your wife no longer finds you attractive, she will not initiate anything physical with you and she will not shower you with attention as before.
There must be a reason why she no longer finds you attractive. Is it because your appearance is no longer appealing to her or because you no longer make her feel special?
Attractiveness is a broad term. The way you treat your wife reflects on everything else including her attraction toward you.
8. Psychological reasons
Mental health and other health issues, menopause, and similar can influence her sex drive and make a woman feel repulsive to touching her husband.
If she’s feeling anxious or depressed, know that she requires a different type of attention from you and that is long cuddle sessions, hugs, and kisses. Your task here is to help her alleviate her psychological symptoms that are negatively influencing her well-being.
How Can I Get My Wife To Desire Me?
You can get your wife to desire you again by boosting your romantic skills, setting up regular dates, spicing up your sex life, working on your appearance, and doing other things that are all listed below:
• Set up regular dates
Do you think regular date nights are only reserved for couples who just started dating? When was the last time you and your wife were on a date? If your answer to the first question is Yes, then I bet it was a long time ago.
In healthy relationships, aka healthy marriages, couples never stop going on dates because this keeps things exciting. There’s something truly special about those romantic dinner dates with candles or different fun activities (such as pillow fights) that make you feel like teenagers in love.
Setting up regular dates is the key to seducing your wife over and over again. You want her to see that you’re still the same gentleman she met a few years ago. You want to make her feel special every time you go on a date. A woman who is happy and content will never stop showing how much she desires you.
• Improve your communication
You don’t need a relationship coach to tell you that emotional connection greatly depends on your communication (or the lack thereof). Whenever you feel like your wife hates you, just think of the communication patterns you two have developed over time.
Do you think there’s some space for improvement regarding this? I bet there is. First of all, never start your sentences with an accusing undertone that can make your partner feel judged and not good enough.
Instead, explain to your partner how you feel about something they did and let them know how it affects you. Healthy communication is about looking at both perspectives and not trying to be wrong or right. It’s about doing the right thing, compromising, and caring about one another.
• Boost your romantic skills
When was the last time you said to your wife I love you? If you can’t remember, then it’s high time we change that. Boosting your romantic skills on a regular basis is definitely one of the traits of an awesome husband.
That way you’ll never or seldom think about the sentence: My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me. Instead, you’ll be focused on thinking about romantic things you can do for your wife.
Okay, I will help you with this by giving you a few ideas: You can leave a romantic message on a mirror in the bathroom before going to work or next to her pillow. You can send her a love poem, give her flowers (this has become something only a few unicorn men do).
You don’t need to be a hopeless romantic in order to have impeccable romantic skills. All you need is to be creative and always think of new ways to surprise your wife and make her feel loved.
• Spice up your sex life
It’s so easy to fall into a rut when it comes to sex life in marriage. Well, a boring sex life mostly happens to those couples who aren’t even trying to spice things up and who have problems communicating.
As Verywell Mind suggests: “Communication is the key to a healthy and active sex life in a marital relationship, so talk with one another more.”
That’s why it’s high time you say Hi to various sex toys, long foreplay, different sex positions, and good old masturbation. Don’t get me wrong. Spicing up your sex life and increasing sexual energy shouldn’t be one partner’s task in a marriage but you’re both responsible for it.
However, if your wife is having a hard time showing her attraction toward you, you can take things into your hands and suggest implementing some new exciting things into your bedroom.
As a matter of fact, you don’t need to suggest but simply surprise her and see how she reacts to your new spicy ideas.
• Spice up your appearance
My wife doesn’t want sex with me, what should I do? I’m not a sex therapist but I bet every single one of them would advise you to spice up your appearance as well.
What does this mean? It means that you should continually work on both your mental and physical health including your appearance. I have a question for you: Do you feel like you’re desirable?
If not, then how can your wife desire you, right? Hit the gym, start jogging, eat healthy food, drink more water, change your hairstyle, and buy some hot clothes.
We women are suckers for men who take good care of themselves. Once your wife sees how much you invest in yourself, her desire will suddenly awaken.
• Implement fun activities that she loves
Trust me, fun activities are bound to save your marriage! Show her that you care about her feelings, preferences, and her mood. Think about the things she usually enjoys or enjoyed doing.
You can incorporate these fun activities as a part of your date. Here are a few ideas: go to an amusement park, take dance classes, roller skating, go to a concert, or come up with new recipes for your favorite food.
If your wife is a nature lover, then take her to hiking, camping, and similar. The most important thing is that your marriage doesn’t stagnate and that you both enjoy having fun together.
One of my friends has this “tradition” to stargaze with her hubby once a week and I find this truly special. Apart from that, they also actively look for new fun activities that will make their marriage more exciting. That’s exactly how every married couple should behave in marriage.
• Surprise her on a daily basis
Secret notes, her favorite snacks, DIY gifts, and other little things will do wonders for your love life and get your wife in the mood!
Well, you can even order an I love my wife T-shirt and wear it in public. I think this is one of the cutest ways to express your love and affection for your wife.
If my man did this for me, I would be the happiest woman in the world for sure. Also, don’t forget to hug her and kiss her as much as possible. These little gestures are what make a woman feel appreciated and loved.
There’s one type of kiss every woman prefers more than anything else and that is a forehead kiss. Don’t forget to kiss your wife on her forehead because this is one of the most grand gestures and yet one of the simplest ones.
• Be spontaneous
Being in an unhappy marriage is sometimes a result of lack of spontaneity. I’m pretty sure you know the drill: Go to work, come home, get groceries, cook dinner, play with kids (if you have any), do household chores.
Once you finish all that, tomorrow you do it all over again. So, where is that spontaneity you both enjoyed in the beginning of your life together?
It’s lost somewhere in between the things you have to do because people do them and the things you wish to do but have no time for.
I understand that being spontaneous has become a luxury in marriages but if you want your marriage to be healthy, you have to find a way to implement it. Go on a road trip for a weekend, order food from a random restaurant instead of your usual place, choose another walking route.
There are many ways in which you can choose to be spontaneous. You just need to have your eyes and mind wide open.
• Go on double dates
In case you haven’t been on one, double dates can be SO MUCH FUN! This is especially recommended for married couples with kids.
While wives are talking about how their kids exhaust them, new food recipes, and sleepless nights, husbands can talk about that new sports car they’ll probably never buy and about challenges of being a father.
Surely, double dates don’t have to be all about talking but also about drinking. They are a perfect opportunity for venting about parenthood, talking about funny marriage situations that will bring you plenty of laughs.
Did I convince you to go on a double date? If I didn’t, then read all of it again until you start feeling convinced. ?
• Talk to a marriage counselor
Don’t ever underestimate the power of couples therapy. Talking to a marriage counselor will help you target any underlying issues in your marriage. Also, a marriage counselor will help you deal with any relationship problems you might have.
So, if everything else fails, talking to a marriage professional is a wise choice. Actually, this shouldn’t be your last resort because there’s nothing shameful in asking for professional help when it comes to saving your marriage.
I also suggest listening to some podcasts as well and talking to your close people who had similar problems in their marriage with their wives.
Any third opinion is valuable, especially from those who have gone through the same.
Don’t Forget To Be Patient!
Whenever you think about the following sentence: My wife loves me but doesn’t desire me, know that this too shall pass!
Respect your wife’s feelings and desires, work on improving every aspect of your marriage and yourself, and be patient. Great results and achievement never happened overnight.
The same thing applies to your marriage. If you want to enjoy a happy and lasting marriage, you’ll have to make a continual effort. This applies to both partners and not only wives or husbands.
It takes two to tango. It takes two to save a marriage and fix marriage problems. All you need is love in your heart and a strong will.