I don’t think I ever believed this could happen to me.
After all this time, after so many years, that I’d fall in love. And actually be loved back.
You see, I’m not a quitter, I don’t give up easily. But I gave up on love. I
had my heart broken one too many times. I was broken. So, I decided to love myself the way I was never loved.
I decided to be the only One I’m ever going to need. And I decided to never need someone.
I was so lonely in so many relationships, that I learned to be enough for myself.
The worst kind of loneliness is the one you feel next to someone who means the world to you. The one you feel in a crowded room.
You feel naked, like everyone can see your soul, everyone can see your pain, but they simply don’t care
. You feel like screaming but you’re still drowning in silence.
You feel everyone’s eyes on you, but they see right through you.
So, I learned to be enough for myself, to be everything I ever looked for in other people.
I became my biggest fan, my best friend and lover.
After so long, I learned to love myself and respect myself in a way I never imagined anyone could. But, once again, you proved me wrong.
I was broken so many times, that I learned to protect myself.
I had my heart dropped and shattered into thousands of pieces. So, I had to find a way to put all those pieces back together, to rebuild myself from scratch into this, what I am now.
I had to find a way to love every single one of those pieces, the pieces I used to hate.
I had to learn to love my soft heart, my scattered mind and scarred soul. But somehow, you love them so easily.
I was manipulated so much, that I almost lost myself to the wrong people. So, I learned to live alone.
I believed I laughed too hard, I looked fat and acted manly.
I believed that I was not smart enough, not pretty enough and not trying hard enough. I was losing parts of myself, believing that they were ugly.
It took me too long to get them all back, to finally understand that they are exactly what make me stand out, what makes me me.
I don’t know how, but you understood that even before I did.
I was abused so badly that it took me ages to heal myself.
It took me ages to not flinch when man moves around me. To step outside with my head held up high, not ashamed of what I’ve been through. To embrace my scars and bruises, to shower them with tears and love so they would heal.
It took me ages to learn that not everyone wants to hurt you, but it took me just one second with you to feel like I had never been touched before.
I never wanted to fall in love again, but I fell for you.
How could I fall in love again, after the hell that I’ve been through?
How could I ever let someone in, after those people who destroyed me?
How could I ever love again, when it took me all of the love I had to heal myself and stand on my own two feet again?
Now that I’m standing, I don’t want to stand without you. Now that I have regained parts of myself that I’d lost, I want to share them with you.
Now, after I decided that I never want to need anyone, I love needing you. I love needing your smile, needing your arms around me.
I love needing you for you, and not for the things you could give me, because I already learned how to give them to myself.
I never wanted to need someone again, but I sure as hell love needing you.